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Or was it something more than that? Was it because I actually enjoyed his company? The sex was undeniably great, but sex was something that I'd had plenty of since Carl. Intimacy, on the other hand...that was something I'd keep at arm's length.
I still remembered the first person I'd hooked up with after Carl. The sex had been effortless, a distraction, fun even. But afterward, the man had held me in his arms and kissed my forehead, and everything inside me had frozen.
It had become hard to breathe, and the feeling of his arms had weighed me down like they were made of lead. What had been a gentle touch only a second earlier had become constricting, and it became hard to breathe.
I later realized that I was having a panic attack, that the intimacy had triggered my trauma from Carl's abuse. After every episode of violence, Carl would always apologize, pull me into his arms and cradle me until my tears stopped, and I eventually fell asleep.
And the first man after him—who thought he was just being sweet—had no idea that a harmless hug could terrify me.
After that, I made it purely about sex, keeping my guard up and resisting anything that resembled intimacy. No cuddling and no sleepovers. Two things that I had completely ignored since Lucas had walked back into my life.
Even now, lying here beside him felt completely natural. The silence was comfortable, and his arms draping my hips relaxed me. My breathing was even, and maybe it was how soft the mattress was or the way he was tickling my back, but I was starting to drift off, something that had only happened with him the first time because I'd been drunk.
Here I was, completely sober and not only falling asleep but also feeling safe enough with him to do so.
His fingers trailed over my cheeks, and with my hand pressed against his chest, I could feel his heartbeat starting to pick up.
"Olive?"
"Hmm?"
He hesitated. "This is going to sound silly...like I'm back in high school, but I just figured, since, you know, you're living here, and there's a connection between us...would you want to be my girlfriend?"
My eyes popped wide open. Sleep vanished with my comfort. A knot formed in my throat. My tongue swelled up, and it became hard to talk. I sat up, twisting away from him.
He recoiled, pulling his hands away from me and mirroring my posture on the bed. "I'm sorry, I shouldn't have asked that. That was stupid of me."
Fuck, Olive. Get it together. You need to give him what he wants to keep this up, to stay safe. "It's okay." I ran a hand through my hair. "I mean, I'm moving in with you, we're having sex. It's an obvious question."
He was silent for a moment and then gave a heavy sigh. "If it's too fast, I understand."
"Can I just...think about it?"
"Of course you can." He slowly stood up. "I'm going to sleep in my room."
"No, you can stay here. Shit. I'm sorry."
God. What was wrong with me? It was just a question! And not even a bad one. He wasn't asking me to marry him. My heart suddenly skipped at the thought. I'd once fantasized about marrying Lucas. It was a thought that had crossed my mind every day during our relationship in college. And hell, he had been nothing short of an incredible boyfriend back then.
He leaned over, grazing my cheek with his palm. "Hey, hey, it's okay. I want to give you space. And I already asked you to move in. That's a big enough question for today."
I forced a smile.
Why was I panicking at the thought now?
Because I knew I would leave him and break his heart?
Or because I was terrified of him breaking mine?
His lips pressed softly against mine, and emotion choked in my throat. He smiled when he pulled away. "Sleep well."
I was frozen on the edge of the bed and didn't move until he shut the door. A crack broke inside me. I didn't know if I wanted to cry or scream. But one thing was certain. If I didn't play this role perfectly, everything could get fucked.
The sooner I heard from Quinn, the faster I got my money, and the quicker I could cut this tether I had to Lucas. I'd stopped becoming a co-dependent woman a long time ago, and I told myself I'd never depend on a man for my well being again.
Even playing this game with Lucas short term terrified me.
I yanked on my pajamas and scrambled for my phone on the nightstand, unplugging it and pulling up my texts with Quinn. No missed calls, no new texts from him.
