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“That’s not going to happen.”
The thought of leaving Elle and Amy has not crossed my mind. I’m not interested in doing it. Now I’ve found Elle, and she’s letting me past her defenses, I know that I can’t desert her at all.
Both her and our daughter are precious to me.
Chapter 17 Elle
“Argh!” I slow to a stop and tread water. “What was I drinking when I agreed to this?”
Carly laughs.
“We’ve been doing this for years, Elle. What’s so different this time?”
“It’s fucking freezing!”
“Of course it is. You do know that’s what happens at this time of year.” Carly swims past me. “Come on, we haven’t done our quota for the session.”
I grit my teeth and slowly follow her. Sensations are coming back to my fingers and toes in spite of the gloves and boots I’m wearing, and the wetsuit is doing a good job of making sure my body is working properly. It’s still freezing cold, and I can feel it wrapped around me, but I keep going. I know my limits.
Although, not for the first time, I question my life choices. When Carly suggested this during our university days, I thought she was mad. But I agreed, thinking it would be something daft to do. Now we do it every week, swimming in the lake at the sports center where the local triathlon club trains for the open water part of their race. Now we’ve been doing it every week, almost like we lost our sanity the first time we got into the cold water.
It’s good exercise, and I do enjoy it, but today is far too cold. I don’t think I’ll be lasting for much longer.
We do another lap of the lake, keeping close to the buoys set up for the laps, and then I head towards the launching platform. That is enough for me.
Carly catches up with me as I get out, scrambling onto my hands and knees. She takes off her goggles, wiping water from her face.
“No more?”
“No more. That’s a bit too cold for me.” I take slow, easy breaths as I get up. The adrenaline rush I get from getting out of cold water is hitting me, and the buzz feels amazing. “I’m going to go get changed.”
“I’ll join you shortly. I’m going to take another lap around the lake.”
“Aren’t you going to freeze?”
“We haven’t been in thirty minutes yet. I’m going to make the most of it here.” Carly pushes off the platform. “I’ll see you in the locker room.”
I’m not about to argue. I want to go and get warm. Feeling my whole body tingling at the sensations now coming back to me, I head back to the locker room on unsteady feet, my hired tow float bumping against my legs. My fingers manage to get the clip undone and I drop it off at the hire desk before stumbling to the locker room, which is simply a container near the water’s edge. There are a few other ladies in there, all of whom are in various stages of undress, trying to get warm. I get my gloves off, dropping them onto the floor, before unzipping my wetsuit.
Cold water swimming is normally a great way of shocking my system and making me feel refreshed. But I wasn’t able to concentrate today. I could barely focus on my swim when my mind was not working properly.
Luke is still in my thoughts, and he just won’t leave me alone. It’s not his fault, not really. There have been times over the years where I’ve thought about him and what he’s up to. But it’s nothing like this. It’s like he’s seeped into my being in the last few weeks since he walked into my workplace. And we’re spending a lot of time together, alone as well as with Amy. Luke is working hard to gain my trust and get Amy used to him. I have to commend him for that; he’s respecting my choices.
And it’s taking its toll on me. I asked for slowing down and taking time on any sort of relationship between us, and yet every time I’m with him I want to do more than just hold his hand or give him a quick kiss before we part ways. I want to drag him to my room, get his clothes off, and devour his body for myself. I want to lie in bed and be cuddled - it’s been a very long time since I’ve had anyone cuddle me as I fall asleep.
I just want to be held, full stop.
I’m very aware of what is happening to me with my feelings, and it scares me. Luke is very good at getting past anyone’s guard, and he isn’t even trying. He’s just doing it naturally. One smile at me, and I’m putty in his hands. That’s not good, but I find that I don’t care.
He is amazing with Amy as well, and I can tell that Amy likes him. She is comfortable with him to the point Luke can take her to the zoo without me needing to be there. According to her daughter, they had a blast.
I haven’t told her that Luke is her father yet, and I don’t know how to do it. If I’m honest, I’m scared about it. What is her reaction going to be? Is she going to be happy that her father is in her life? Or is she going to be angry because we lied to her?
I wouldn’t blame her for the latter.
I’m mostly dressed and putting my sneakers on when Carly comes into the locker room. She has taken her hat and goggles off, and she’s shivering a little. I frown at her.
“You were in there a little too long, weren’t you?”
