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He literally pales at my words and his hold on my hair loosens. “What?”
“The night he called,” I say, keeping a tight hold of him still. “He said that… he’d forgive me. And that he’d take me back, but I have to… I have to cut ties with you.” I bring my fingers to his bruised and bloody face then and grasp it gently. “But I’m not going to. I’mnotgoing to cut ties with you. I choose you, okay? I’m not sure why Lucas is doing this. Why he’s ready to forgive me but not you. But I’m going to fix it.”
“No,” he clips.
“I knew you’d say that. Iknewit. But I’m not backing down,” I tell him. “I won’t back down. You’re my friend and I’m not giving up on you. I won’t. Plus I’ve just realized something.”
“What?”
“That we’re even.” When he frowns in confusion, I say, “I know you think you deserve all the bad things. But I want you to think about something. I want you to think about the fact that we’re even, you and me.”
“Even.”
“Yes. You think you provoked me. Into doing what I did that night. Years of torment and then that phone call which made me sneak in and vandalize your room. Fine. So let’s say you did provoke me, but it was stillmewho did that. If you don’t want to put the blame on me then that’s okay. But it makes us even. You being a giant asshole to me for years and me destroying your childhood bedroom. There. Even.”
Exactly.
We’re even. We’re both culpable.
And I’m done letting him count days and months and years of regret.
“That’s fucking ridiculous.”
“It’s fucking genius and you know that. Plus,” I raise my eyebrows, “you saved me from going to jail.”
“I —”
“And you can say different till the end of time but I won’t believe it. I will still write you thank you notes. I will still create limericks for you. And serenade you with a boombox about how grateful I am.” When it looks like he’s going to say something else, I jump in quickly. “And as for the other thing, about Lucas not forgiving you, I have the solution for that as well.”
“Whatfuckingsolution?”
His words are all growled now. “I’m going to tell him.”
“Tell him what?”
“That it was me. ThatIwas the one who kissed you first.”
I did.
I remember it vividly. I remember it as if in slow motion.
The very momentIleaned forward and put my mouth on him. And kissed him.
I also remember him going still.
As if in shock.
While I was the one moving my lips over his, tasting his plush mouth like I’d never get enough.
And I kept going until he broke.
Until he started to kiss me back, and then there was no stopping me and him.
Not until everything blew apart.
So yeah, I was the one.
Who did it. Who started it.
