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CHAPTERTHIRTY-SIX
Idon’t regret the kiss.
It took me two years, three months and however many days to finally recognize that fact.
That kissing itself isn’t the thing that I regret.
I regrethowit happened. I regret how it hurt the people important to me.
Especially my ex-boyfriend.
Because he never should’ve been that.
My boyfriend, I mean.
I never should have said yes to going out with him. I never should’ve made him — and myself — think that I loved him.
When I loved someone else.
I love him, don’t I?
I love the guy who once upon a time made me sick with hate. Only it wasn’t hate. It was love.
Love all black and blue like his beautiful face. Love dipped in poisoned watermelon and sour lemonade.
Love wrapped up in cruel hot summer and cold mean smirks.
So I love him.
I love Reign Marcus Davidson.
My ex-boyfriend’s ex-best friend.
My big badwonderfulBandit.
But never knew it.
That is the thing to regret here: that I never understood my own feelings and thereby hurt so many people.Thatis the thing I need to fix.Thatis the thing I should be guilty about.
Which means I need to tell Lucas.
And apologize for the right thing this time.
Although no, I’m not going to tell him that I’m in love with the guy he completely hates now. Or that I’ve always been in love with him.
Because first, I don’t want to hurt Lucas more than I already have.
And second, I don’t want to kill all chances of reconciliation between the two of them. I’m already risking it by not going back to Lucas after his ultimatum. I don’t want to harm their chances any further.
Only as soon as I come to this decision — of telling Lucas — I find out that the tragedy that we knew was just around the corner has come to pass: Lucas’s dad passes away. It happens the very next day from when I was supposed to meet him at that party and the funeral is two days later. Which I attend with a myriad of feelings.
Sadness for Lucas that he lost his father; even though there wasn’t any love lost between them. Nervousness at seeing him because I still haven’t given an answer to his ultimatum and maybe I can’t now, given the changed circumstances.
But most of all what I feel is dread.
Because I know if I’m at the funeral with my parents,he’sgoing to be there too.
And he is.
