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And he continues, “I have to admit it was my brother’s idea,” with a small self-deprecating smile. “I’m not very good at these things. But he told me that I should bring something and the only thing that I could think of was a rose. A white rose. For peace.”
My mother still doesn’t make any move to take it and I’ve had it.
I try to go again.
But again, my friends stop me.
Jupiter mouths,Not yet.
Poe goes,Wait. Let him do this.
Let him do what, I want to ask.
He doesn’t need to do anything. What heneedsis me right now, going to him and apologizing for what I did. For my hand in what happened last night. But my dad chooses that moment to step forward, breaking my thoughts, and I grip my friends’ hands tighter.
“What the hell are you doing here?” my dad asks, all threatening like.
But my mom’s there to calm him down. She puts a hand on his arm and goes, “Scott, don’t.”
My dad’s shoulders stiffen but my mother doesn’t care. She turns to Reign and finally,finally, accepts the rose. “Thank you.”
He gives her a short, somber nod before turning to my dad, who I know — even though his back is turned — is seething right now, and says, “I came to apologize.”
“We don’t need —”
My mom stops him again with a low, “Scott.”
I watch Reign’s jaw getting tighter for a second before he breathes out again. “I understand that. I understand that this must be difficult for you. I’m probably the last person you want to see standing at your doorstep. Especially when this is the first time I’m doing this.Standingat your doorstep.” He keeps his eyes on my dad, his shoulders straight, his feet apart. “And that’s the first thing I’d like to apologize for. That this is the first time. That in the past, I violated the privacy of your home, by coming into it like a thief. Bysneakinginto it like a thief. You deserved better and I never gave that to you. I never thought how disrespectful all of this was to you.”
“No, you didn’t,” my dad bites out and I notice my mom’s hand on his arm growing tighter.
This is unbearable to me.
Me, not being able to go to him. Not being able to takehishand and stand beside him. While he faces my parents like this.
But I think I understand why my friends stopped me.
I think they’re right; he needs to do this.
Heneedsto apologize to my parents.
It’s clear on his face — on his beautiful and yet again bruised face — that he needs to tackle this head on, what happened last night. That he needs to say the things that he’s saying, and no one knows it better than me.
That he feels things deeply. So much more deeply than anyone I’ve ever known.
Regret. Guilt. Loyalty.
“I didn’t,” he goes on, shifting on his feet. “And that’s on me. That’s something I’ll have to live with. But the worst thing that I’ll have to live with is the fact that I,” he pauses to take another deep breath and God, I can see how much it hurts him, “failed to protecther. Ifailedlast night,” he says, his eyes clouded and his voice low and rough. “And I can bear anything in the world, anything at all, except that.” His jaw clenches for a bit. “Ever since I met her, your daughter, I… Well, I’ve done a lot of fucked-up things. I’ve done a lot of things that I regret where she’s concerned. And I always chalked it up to who or what I am. A disappointment. I’ve always been that. I’ve always taken great pride in that, but…” Another clench of his jaw. “This is the one thing that I’ll never be able to forgive myself for. Theone thingthat I don’t want any forgiveness for. That will haunt me forever, me not being able to keep her safe. Me not being able to keep her from harm’s way.”
At this, it becomes really difficult to simply stand here and let him do this.
Reallydifficult to not go to him and put a stop to this.
I don’t care if he wants to do this. If he wants to apologize or make things right or whatever it is that he’s doing right now.
Idon’tcare.
I have to let him know that it was me who failed. It was me who’d left the door unlocked. It was me who provoked Lucas.
