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“They’re adults now. Maybe you should try to stop fathering them and try being a brother.”
“Parenting, the word is parenting,” I correct her, kissing her nose.
“Sometimes I’m afraid I’ll end up like Mom, dying alone and leaving my child an orphan. Other times, I hope I can find someone who’ll stick around. They never do, though.” She presses her lips, sighing with disappointment.
Then, I remember Roland. That name that’s been nagging me since Anya said I was worse than him. She’s opening up a little, and maybe she’ll tell me what happened with him.
“Who is Roland?”
She stiffens. “What?”
“It’s who, not what. Roland,” I repeat. “Anya told me I’m worse than him.”
She scrunches her nose and shakes her head. “No. She got that wrong. Roland broke my heart. You… honestly, you were kind to me. I got pissed at the way you said goodbye. You left me at the bed and breakfast like some call girl you didn’t care about.”
“I was a coward,” I confess. “Honestly, I didn’t want to end things with you, but I had no idea how to keep it going without fucking it up. Then, I saw those tests and freaked out. It was never my intention to… I love you and I would never want to hurt you.”
She blinks a couple of times. “You what?!”
“Sorry, I’m terrible at relationships. When you’re responsible for the well-being of four other people, it was best just to sleep around.” I shrug as if saying, what can you do? “It’s what I’ve been doing all my life. Avoiding entanglements with everyone. Mane says it’s some kind of emotional impairment that I need to work through soon. More so if I don’t want to lose you. I never meant to hurt you.”
“You didn’t,” she mumbles.
I arch an eyebrow, giving her a skeptical look.
“I understood your intentions from day one. You were the first man who was honest about his expectations. I won’t lie to you. At the beginning, I was starting to develop feelings, but later I understood that it’d be stupid to fall for you.” She shrugs and chuckles. “It’s ironic that I met you on the day that was supposed to be my wedding day.”
“What happened with your fiancé?”
“He found someone better. The story of my life.”
“That’s impossible, you’re the most brilliant woman I’ve ever met, and beautiful, caring… I can’t imagine—”
“Iskander, I don’t know why you’re trying to give me all these compliments and being so nice, but I need you to stop.”
“I’m being honest, and you never stopped me before.”
“My ill sister wasn’t close, fighting for her life. The memories of Mom weren’t so present and raw. I wasn’t…”
“Pregnant?”
“No, I was going to say vulnerable and in need of love. If you keep doing it, I’ll believe it this time. I’m going to become needy.”
“You can take all you want from me. I’m here.”
“That’s not you.”
I frown. “Sorry, but I’m going to have to stop you there. I’ve given you everything since we met.”
“Not love or your heart,” she argues. “And that’s fine. You’re doing it now because you think I’m expecting your child.”
“It has nothing to do with that and everything to do with the fact that you’re the most real thing that’s ever happened to me. You keep me grounded. Plus, even if you don’t see it, you’re well tangled in my soul.”
She laughs, unscrambling herself from my hold and pushing herself up. “That’s not what you said when we were together.” She draws air quotes while clearing her voice. “Only days after we began this affair, you started your daily doses of ‘this will end soon, Siobhan.’ Also, ‘I like my freedom.’ And let’s not forget the, ‘The moment my grandfather is back, I’ll be gone, but I enjoyed our time together.’”
“I don’t sound like Fran Fine,” I say because, from everything she said, the only untruth is the nasally voice she used while trying to imitate me.
“Not the point. I’m just telling you why I can’t believe in this newfound love for me.”
