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“You’re quiet,” she says. “Quieter than usual.”
Lily is right. I am thinking about something. I’m thinking about what happened today, how I very narrowly dodged a bullet. “I thought for sure she knew,” I say. “When Nina came over today, I thought I was totally fucked.”
“But she didn’t know, Christian. It’s fine,” Lily says, setting her hand on mine, holding it.
“I know. I know that now. I just got scared,” I say, not wanting to admit that to Lily. I like to be the strong one, for Lily to think I’m indestructible. I want her to feel safe with me, to feel like I can take care of her, of us no matter what happens.
“It’s okay to be scared. I was scared too. But Nina suspects nothing.”
“I had these thoughts when Nina was at the house today,” I confess.
“What kind of thoughts?” she asks. I don’t say right away, so that Lily has to ask, “Christian?” as she leans in toward me.
I say, “You’re going to think less of me if I say it.”
She shakes her head. “I could never think anything bad about you.”
I take a breath. I say, “I thought that if Nina knew what I’d done, if she had come to say that she knew it was me in their house this morning, then I wouldn’t be able to let her leave. I’d have no choice but to keep her quiet.”
“What do you mean when you say keep her quiet?” she asks.
I swallow, hard. I don’t say, but I don’t need to say it. I look at Lily and she knows from my expression what I mean. She reads it on my face. “You mean killing her,” she says.
I nod, dimly. “I thought that if she was dead, then she couldn’t tell anyone what I’d done.”
“Whatwe’ddone, Christian,” Lily says, reminding me that, “we’re in this together. Just like Bonnie and Clyde.”
Bonnie and Clyde. I half laugh, which was her intent I think. To lighten the mood. To make me laugh. The only problem is that it’s not lost on me that Bonnie and Clyde were killed by the police. They were shot something like fifty times each. It was a terrible and violent way to go.
I like the idea of Lily and me being in this together.
I just don’t want to wind up like Bonnie and Clyde in the end.
The thing is that even after Nina left this afternoon, the thoughts about killing her didn’t leave. They were intrusive, disturbing and unwanted. I kept thinking how Nina is the only person standing in the way of Lily and me getting off scot-free. No one is really looking for Jake but her.
“Those are just thoughts, Christian,” Lily says. “You wouldn’t have acted on them. Thinking about killing someone and actually doing it are two different things.”
Are they?
“How can you be sure?”
I, myself, wasn’t sure. I’m still not sure. The line between right and wrong is getting more blurry with each day.
Lily says, “Just because you thought about doing something doesn’t mean you would. You’re a good man, Christian.”
Am I?
We go quiet. There’s something austere about this moment. This, even more than breaking into the Hayes’s house for the key, is the point of no return. What we are doing is maybe even worse than breaking and entering. We’re tampering with evidence now. For that, you can get something like twenty years in prison. For breaking and entering, it’s more like two, assuming you didn’t hurt anyone.
Lily says, “I’ll follow you. Just don’t drive too fast. I don’t want to lose you,” and it sounds ominous, like a sign of things to come.I don’t want to lose you.I don’t want to lose her either. Ever. I’ve spent a long time thinking about this in the last few days and I’ve made up my mind. If we do somehow get caught, I’ll say that I did it, that I’m the one who killed Jake. I’ll make up a motive. I’ll say that I’m the one who broke into their house. I’m the one who moved the car. Lily did none of it. She knew about none of it. I did it all by myself.
But what Lily said just now wasn’t meant as a prophecy. It was a request. I have a lead foot, a tendency to drive too fast. That’s all that she meant by it. I need to drive slowly, so that I don’t lose her, so that neither of us gets pulled over by the police.
All along this short stretch of street, there are no streetlights, no passing cars. Newcomb is a two-lane road with little to no through traffic. Its only real purpose is to get to the forest preserve and for overflow parking. It’s a dead-end street, with no one coming or going. On either side of us are nothing but trees. We’re totally secluded.
“You won’t lose me,” I promise her. “I’ll be right ahead of you the whole time.”
I lean in toward Lily. She wraps her arms around my neck and I kiss her like it might be the last time I kiss her in my whole life.
