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Liam eyed his friend and wondered how much he had looked at Hannah. "Hannah's pretty enough, but I can't get no rise out of her. She doesn't talk back, she doesn't balk, she just does. But in bed, she's nothing. Cold as a cucumber soaked in a barrel of vinegar."
"Was she a virgin when you took her?"
"Yeah, I took care of that, right away." Liam laughed. "And boy at the wailing she did. She was so dumb, and still is. She doesn't know how to love a man. She doesn't have no natural feelings."
"Maybe virgins just ain't no good!" Burt hollered.
"Could be, they sure don't know what to do with themselves."
"That’s such a waste, Liam."
"Don't I know it."
Hannah felt tears pelt her cheeks, he'd found her money stash. Her chance to get away would be lost in that poker game. It had taken her six months to save it. Now it was gone. Was there no chance of escaping Liam?
He didn't love her, or care for her in any way. Why did he want to keep her?
She thought about what he'd said, that she was cold and didn't know what to do. But all he did was crawl on top of her and plunge himself inside her. What was she supposed to do? She felt nothing but fear and disgust when he did it. Her mother had been the same way, and her father had complained just like Liam. What was she supposed to do? What did he expect of her? What did most women do?
Perhaps if he washed, made some kind of effort for the better, she could find some pleasure in it, but there was nothing, as he was rough with her and showed no compassion. Were women like animals with no response? What did a whore do that others did not?
She wiped her tears, but they were so loud, she couldn't shut their voices out. Cold? Was she cold? She had no idea what Liam meant by that.
Love was something she knew little about. She'd seen signs of it, with women with babies. Perhaps if she had a baby, she could learn love?
She got up, got dressed and walked outside.
She remembered the first time Liam took her, he was drunk, and he plunged himself inside her hard with no regard for her first time. She had no idea what to expect, but that wasn't part of her imagination. At times, later, she would try to be a good wife, but he slapped her around so much, she had no feelings for him. She couldn't pretend what she didn't feel. Was every woman that way? Was a man to force himself on a woman and the woman submit. She did submit. But afterwards all she felt was the pain of his roughness and the lack of feeling.
She'd read her bible every night before bed, and it talked of love, but she wasn't sure what love was. The one thing she got from the bible was that there was a better place, and Christ died so she could go there someday. She knew that would be a better place.
She tired to remember the women that came into the store, not many smiled or looked happy. Perhaps women were not supposed to be happy or have feelings. That made sense. But now that she thought of it, the whores that came inside the store were very happy. What did they know or do that was so different, she wondered. She wished she knew more about her 'duty' to her husband. But her mother had never enlightened her and all she could do with Liam was tolerate him.
Would love ever come? Would she ever be with child? Would a baby make a difference with her and Liam?
Would she ever escape this man? Problem was, she was married to him. The only thing she could possibly do is leave him and never return. But how, he watched her all the time. And where would she go? Not home. There was nothing for her there, either.
She supposed she could become a whore, but as Liam said, she wasn't good in a man's bed. She could sew, but she had no materials to sew with. Perhaps she could get a job cooking somewhere, but where? Where could she go that Liam would never find her?
It was turning just a tad cool now and the wind felt good on her face. She stared out on the prairie, wondering if her life would ever change. She didn't see the beauty in the land, it felt barren to her. Perhaps it was her that had to change things. She should be bold, steal a horse and ride off one night. What could he do, chase her?
But where would she go, where would she s
leep at night, how would she eat. There was no escaping. She didn't know how to hunt, she didn't know where to find food. She didn't know how to make a place to sleep. She was dumb!
What choices did she have? If she remained, the beatings would continue. Even the few good Christians in town that knew her were too afraid of Liam to help her.
When her parents sold her for two horses, she thought perhaps her life might get better. After all, her mother was so silent, so non-existent, her father seemed only to care for the boys, as they could hunt and fish with him. Except for her brothers, she had nothing to return to. For they were probably grown by now and gone.
But it had only gotten worse when she left with Liam. Liam was mean, hitting her for the least thing. And she feared she'd get pregnant and lose a child. Then what would he do, kill her? She knew nothing about being pregnant and it scared her. She gone with the local doc when friends of hers were in labor. She'd heard their screams and it scared her witless.
She always managed to keep her mouth shut and that had saved her many times. Her father had taught her that, and she was grateful. In some ways, her father had taught her more about life than anyone.
If only her mother had talked to her about growing up and becoming a woman. But she'd said nothing, done nothing. Hannah was forced to learn things on her own. When her monthly came upon her she thought she was dying and cried. Until a cousin came to visit and told her about what to do, and what to expect. She missed her cousins, they seemed to know so much more than she.
"What's wrong with your mother, why didn't she tell you these things?" They'd ask her.
"Ma doesn't talk much about anything, anymore."
