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Kelsey embraced her mother, "Oh mother, how lonely for you. Why in all this time haven't you said something?"
"Lonely, yes, to some degree it was. I loved him so; all I ever really wanted was his love. But I never competed with another woman, only his work. Not many women can say that. I could live with that. And it was all for me, Kelsey, I knew that. And it meant so much for him to make good on his own. So, when he lost himself in his work, I decided to lose myself in my interests."
Kelsey nodded her understanding.
"So I devoted myself to charity work. I suppose somewhere down the line, I kind of threw myself into that, instead of making a proper home for my daughter and husband."
She glanced at Kelsey and squeezed her hand. "But it hurt so, for him to see me, and yet not see me at all. And then you and I drifted apart. Mainly because neither of us could talk to the other. I'll never understand why, Nick makes it look so easy. I was so afraid of losing the two of you I couldn't just talk to you. So we sort of became a bunch of dislocated people, your father, me, and you. But I've never really regretted it, because your father is the only man I've ever really loved, and you were our only child."
Kelsey hugged her mother to her, and cried aloud. "Oh Mother, I wish you had come to me sooner."
"So do I child. I suppose pride kept me at bay. I wronged you most of all dear. But if you'll give me a chance I'd like to make up for that," she said smiling into Kelsey's eyes. "But when I met your Nick, it was like seeing your father all over again. It brought everything back. I knew you loved him; you glow every time you are around him. And he loves you, I feel it."
"Oh mother, I wish you were right, but Nick is such a wonderfully responsible person. This whole thing started out wrong. And it's my fault."
"Can you be so sure about his feelings? Does a man have to speak the words, when actions say more?"
"Jackson said the same thing. But he's never once said he loved me, even when we . . . ." Kelsey cried.
"Is that all that's holding you back? A few little words."
"I can't live a life like I did with Ralph. I was so lonely, so alone. It's better to be alone than to be with someone who doesn't love you."
~~~
Meanwhile in Queens, Nick put the phone down slowly, his hand numb, his mouth quivering with words unsaid. Tony stumbled into his room, "Anything wrong?"
"No Tony, go back to bed. Everything is fine."
"You don't look so fine." Tony grumbled.
"A groom never looks fine, especially a day before the wedding." Nick mumbled.
When Tony went back to bed, Nick lit a cigarette. He leaned back against the wall, and listened at the quiet of the neighborhood, a good neighborhood. All thanks to one little lady. But the cigarette did no good and he stashed it.
How could she do this? Had he been too distant? Had he been so concerned about controlling things that he'd lost Kelsey, somehow? Maybe he should have stayed the night with her, when they made love. But for God's sake, her mother was in the house, how could he compromise her?
How could she desert him like this? Just like his father. Just walked out on him. Desertion! The one thing he never could get over. Loving someone that walks out on you is intolerable. Nick admitted it to himself for the first time, slamming a fist onto the ta
ble and watching the salt and pepper shaker bounce and fall to the floor. Damn!
"Dammit Kelsey, don't do this to me! To us!" He shouted aloud as a tear slipped silently down his cheek. A silent tear he refused to acknowledge. "Don't desert me."
He grabbed the bottle of Jack Daniels from the top of the kitchen cabinet and set it on the center of the kitchen table. He took a glass from the cupboard, then slouched down in a chair at the table and glared at the bottle. He hadn't cried since he stole the toothbrush, but suddenly the tears seemed harder to ignore. His finger rubbed absently at the bottle.
He wasn't weak like his father; he didn't need a bottle to help him through the rough spots. He licked his dry lips and suddenly big round tears came down like a raging storm, unabashed. Tears he had held back for years, for his father, for Kelsey. His body shook with the force of trying to keep them back. But this time he lost the battle. And the more he cried, the madder he got. He'd always heard Italians were too emotional, now he believed it. He hated men who cried.
He glanced about to see if he disturbed anyone. Nothing in the house seemed to stir. He swiped at his eyes with the back of his shirt sleeve.
His life was nothing without Kelsey, as empty as when his father had left him. Yes, he had missed his father, and he could finally admit it to himself. He had worshipped the man, a man that came home drunk too many times, a man that lost his job too many times. Still he was a man who loved his children, and kept the family together through thick and thin for years, a man who taught his son the values of life, honesty, integrity, and loyalty. And shattered every one of them in his leaving. Had the burden of his own weaknesses been too much for him?
How could a woman make you fall in love with her, and then walk out on you? She got exactly what she wanted—his baby. Dear God, he'd almost forgotten about the baby. But it wasn't the baby that made him ache as though someone had cut off a limb from his body. It wasn't the baby that made him need to cry, to rid himself of the loneliness within him. It was Kelsey. Loneliness swept through him, the same kind of loneliness that Kelsey had faced so often in her life. Whoever this Ralph character was, he must have been the biggest kind of fool to let a woman like Kelsey slip through his fingers. He had felt Kelsey's loneliness, grieved for her. Damn, he wanted her, needed her, and she didn't know it.
Then it hit him, like a huge wall caving in on him, had his father needed someone to reach out to? Had he ever told his father how he felt? He hadn't told Kelsey either.
Stupid! Stupid! Stupid!
Now his baby would grow up without him.
