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Who would throw away love?
—
Relieved to have finally gotten his head straight, Matt pushed into the townhouse and immediately stopped short, dropping the bag he carried at his feet, his stomach knotting with dread. There were three cardboard boxes stacked neatly against the hallway wall. It was quiet and still in the space that always seemed alive when Nichole moved within its walls.
A sick moan escaped his throat at the sight of a note atop the hall table. His feet dragged like lead as he forced them up the short flight to the main hall. He stopped at the table, and the ground gave way beneath him as he scanned the note, hastily scrawled on a sheet of spiral-bound notebook paper in blue ballpoint pen strokes.
Matt,
I’ve made such a mess of everything. I thought I could handle what we did. I wanted it so badly that I lied to myself about what it would be like after. I should have known better, and now I do. I can’t keep hiding the truth from both of us.
There’s a part of me that is in love with you, and always has been. There’s a part of me that needs our friendship more than anything else in my life, and that part is normally in control, but lately it hasn’t been.
I was stupid. I know you aren’t in love with me. You keep trying to find ways to make it clear, and I keep refusing to see them. But I understand now.
I’m praying that you’ll forgive me and help us get back to the way we were. In the meantime, I can’t live here. I’ll be back for my things, but I can’t face you again tonight. I’m so sorry.
-N
“Goddamn it!” he roared, slamming the flat of his hand against the wall.
A sudden gasp and a flash of halted motion down the hall caught his attention. Nichole peered out her doorway at him, and his heart ripped in half at the sight. The skin around her eyes was red and blotchy; her lips were swollen, and her nose was red. She held a wadded up tissue in one hand, and her purple duffle in the other.
He stalked forward and held up the note in accusation. “You’re leaving? Without even talking to me?” He was furious, devastated. It wasn’t supposed to go this way. Everything had gone wrong and he was out of his mind.
“Matt, I’m so sorry,” she whispered, with a ragged sob. “I wanted to be gone before you got home. I’m so embarrassed, so stupid. I saw you with Peg. I understand—”
“Peg? You were at Brewer’s?” He hadn’t seen her, and Jack certainly would have mentioned it if he had.
Her eyes narrowed. “You know I was. I told you I was going there, while we were standing right here.” She jutted one finger at his chest as more tears streamed down her cheeks. “You were parading Peg in front of me, just like you did two months ago so I wouldn’t get any ideas about us. Well, I don’t have any! Mission accomplished.”
Christ, he’d known not paying attention this morning would come back to bite him in the ass. It served him right, but Nichole didn’t deserve it. “Please, listen. I swear—I didn’t realize you would be there. I—Fuck!—I was distracted while you were talking, you had that robe on and your knee kept showing. I didn’t hear what your plans were with Lindy. I didn’t even see you at the bar, but I promise you, running into Peg was purely coincidental. She and I are just—”
Nichole’s eyes flashed daggers. “If you say just friends…damn it—”
“No.” Exasperated, he gripped her shoulders, needing her to understand. “Forget Peg. I was there with Jack. I needed to talk to someone, and my best friend wasn’t an option, as she was the topic of my discussion.”
“That much I can relate to.” Nichole softened in his hands, and her head dropped forward. A long sigh slipped free. “Oh God, Matt. I’ll never forgive myself if I lose you.”
“That won’t happen.” His voice was tight, stiff. “Nichole, look at me.”
Her eyes welled and fresh tears leaked down her cheeks. She shook her head at him. “I saw the look on your face! You were still inside me, and suddenly everything changed. You shut me out. Because when you looked at me, I know you saw into my heart…I couldn’t hide anymore, and you saw it.”
“I’m sorry, baby.” His anger washed away with her tears, and guilt ate at his gut. “You have it so wrong. I shouldn’t have left you like I did. I was…a coward. I shouldn’t have let you think it was because of the way you felt.”
She gasped for air, her lips quivering as she sobbed out her fears. “I’m terrified I’ve ruined everything.”
“No,” he reached for her, unable to force more out of his tightening throat until she rested in his arms, her face against his chest, his hands smoothing her hair. “Nichole, you’ll never lose me. Never. No matter what happens, we’ll always be together.”
“I need you so much,” she dragged in a deep breath. “I thought—I don’t—I don’t know.”
Taking her cheek in his palm, he forced her gaze up to meet his. “Nothing can come between us. I should have trusted that and been honest about how I felt. How it was last night, how it’s been for years.”
“What are you saying?” Her eyes glistened, and she bunched her fists in the fabric of his shirt even as she tried to push him back.
“You were right. I did see something when we were together, and it terrified me. I shouldn’t have run off the way I did, but I needed to get my head together. I had to think…everything through. I was about to make the biggest gamble of my life. ”
“What—?” Nichole blinked away her tears. Confusion and what looked like hope filled her eyes in their stead. It drove him forward, bolstering his conviction.
