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"You?" Xaphan snorted out a laugh.
I decided to roll with it, rolling my eyes for dramatic effect. "I know, crazy right? How could I possibly care about you? I'm just wandering through the dark woods looking for you for the thrill of danger."
Miraculously, my sarcasm gave me the result I was hoping for. Xaphan managed to crack a smile. I couldn't believe it. Maybe Hell was freezing over too.
"You're only here because you felt sorry for me," he said, sounding a bit lighter but was still not quite believing my sincerity.
I shook my head. "No, I'm here because I was worried about you."
"Why would you be worried about me when I've been an asshole to you since the day we brought you here?"
"Because I know what it's like to feel like an outcast amongst your peers," I replied. "I was in the same boat as you back in my world. I was the witch in Salem. My husband had friends who were priests and businessmen who worked with the local churches. They all looked at me with disdain and terror. Like any moment I’d randomly decide to put a curse on them for looking at me the wrong way."
"Heh, those people are fools," Xaphan said. "I wonder how they'll feel if they learned that most of the souls that end up here in Hell are the ones spreading violence and hate in the name of God?"
"What?" I gaped at him. "You're kidding me, right?"
Xaphan shook his head and snickered. "Not at all. God is a lot of things, but he doesn't condone malice under his name. He may feel indifferent about things like sexuality, but he'd never damn them for it, so long as their hearts remain pure. Despite what your human churches think, God does not hate gays. What he hates is spreading evil and believing you're doing it for him."
"Wait, how do you know all this?"
"Our leader is a spawn of Satan, remember? And I've shared his bed for a few years now. I know things."
I couldn't help myself. I laughed at the sheer irony of what Xaphan revealed to me. It was nice to know they weren't going to get the welcome they were hoping for when their time came. Which, if I had it my way, would be by my hands.
When I managed to calm down, I regarded Xaphan with newfound understanding and appreciation. He had to come a long way to get any kind of respect, and while people may still treat him in a way that wasn't well received, he never faltered. He wanted people to accept him. To welcome him.
"You know, you're not so bad when you're not snapping insults at me," I pointed out.
"Yeah, I guess you're not that bad either," Xaphan said.
I feigned shock with a gasp. "Oh, my God! Did I just hear you right? Did you, Xaphan, actually give me a compliment? Damn it, I wish I had a chance to record that. If I had my cell phone, I could've used it as my ringtone."
"Shut up," he grunted, but there was no heat to his words. He was loosening up around me, and it was nice to see.
"I meant what I said, by the way. I was worried about you. As for Deimos, I don't know what to tell you. I barely know him, or any of you guys, so there's no telling what could happen. All I know is we're in each other's lives now. And honestly, I'm slowly coming to enjoy your guys' companionship. And when you're not so crabby, you seem like a great guy... hellhound... whatever... to be around. I've never really had a gay best friend before, but maybe we—"
"Wait, who said I was gay?" Xaphan cut in, sounding bewildered.
I paused for a moment. "You're not?"
"No. I never once said I was gay."
Okay, now I was totally lost. "But, you and Deimos?"
"You think me sleeping with Deimos automatically means I'm gay?" Xaphan rolled his eyes. "You do realize bisexuality exists, right?"
I mean, he wasn't wrong, but I didn't think he was bi. Why did I think he was gay this whole time?
"Oh, for the love of Satan. Let me make this clear so there aren't any confusions." He scooted closer to me, close enough that I could feel the heat of his breath on my face as he whispered in a low, husky tone, "I love pussy just as much as I love dick. I love fucking pussy as much as I love getting fucked by a dick. Just because I'm getting some dick right now, doesn't mean I wouldn't be opposed to getting some pussy too. Get the picture, or do I need to elaborate further?"
Why was it so hard to breath all of a sudden? And why was he so close?
Clearing my throat, I scooted back slightly and composed myself. "No, I got it. Crystal clear."
The bastard shrugged, somehow looking unbothered and amused all at once. I didn't know what to think of that, or of the things he said. Was he trying to come on to me, or was I overthinking it? Right now, my brain was a merry-go-round spinning in circles, leaving me dizzy and not knowing which way's up.
"Okay, maybe we should find Abaddon and get back home. What do you say? Are you done sulking?" I asked, standing up and holding my hand out to him. Partly to help him to his feet, and partly hoping for a truce.
