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Free pizzawouldbe nice. She’d eaten every meal in the dining hall this week because that was what was included in her scholarship, and their pizza tasted like it was made of plastic and sadness. But going over to Auden’s place when only he and his roommate would be there? The idea sent old ingrained thoughts rising to the surface.
She hadn’t been allowed to be alone with boys her own age since she was twelve because “a girl shouldn’t put herself in that position.” But the thought of it being dangerous to be with Auden was laughable. Yes, she’d once kissed him, but that had been a moment of insanity. This wasn’t a date. Lennox would be there too. This was simply friends having her over for a movie, trying to be welcoming.
Her thumbs hovered over the screen. Finally, she shoved away the looping thoughts.
O’Neal: Sounds good. Can I bring anything?
Auden: A quart of vodka, a keg, and some fireworks
She blinked at the screen.
Auden: Kidding. Just bring what you like to drink. You can bring your roommate if you want
She bit her lip, staring at the screen. He was giving her an out. She wouldn’t have to break a “rule” if she brought Quyen with her. But suddenly, she wanted nothing more than to prove to herself that this was a dumb rule.
O’Neal: Thanks. She has plans but I’ll be there.
Auden: Cool. I’ll send you the address. It’s a building right off campus. See you around 7
O’Neal didn’t realize she was smiling like a fool until some girl passing her on the sidewalk gave her a strange look. She quickly straightened her expression and tucked her phone back into her pocket.
As she made her way to the coffee kiosk and then the library to work on homework, her step felt lighter and a rush of pure, unadulterated freedom moved through her. She’d made a choice, and no one was going to stop her from going. No one was going to shame her about it or make her feel guilty. This was why she’d come here. She didn’t want to dismiss all the things she’d learned growing up. She knew some of those things were useful, some of them would protect her from bad situations. But when your life was filled with nothing but rules, it became harder and harder to decipher which ones were smart and which were ridiculous. Her gauge for that had been broken because she’d had no real choice but to obey them all.
Maybe it was time to take a hard look at each one.
When she arrived at the library and found an unoccupied table in the philosophy section, she sat down and pulled out a fresh notebook. She wrote a number one on the first line, and for the next hour, she wrote down every rule her grandparents or the church had expected her to follow. She put stars next to the ones that were obviously good advice.Don’t steal. Don’t murder. Be kind to others.She drew a line through the ones that didn’t feel right to her.Love is only between a man and a woman. Only men can lead the church.But the ones that were hazier, she left with no mark at all. When she wrote downDon’t be alone with boysshe put a checkmark next to it. She would mark the ones she’d tried and make a decision afterward on if it was good advice or not.
The list was almost five pages long when she finished it, but she felt like a weight had been lifted off of her. Seeing it all in black and white made her feel better about her decision to come here than she had all week. This was not about rebellion or hurting her family. This was her running an experiment.
She wanted to prove that she could do this and go back to her family and say—see, I can handle myself. I didn’t go wild. I didn’t become my mother. I didn’t get pregnant like she did. I didn’t end up dead after some party with three men’s DNA all over me like she did.
I can live in the real world and not let you down.
She leaned back in the hard library chair and rubbed the spot between her eyes. Bad thoughts about her mother made her stomach hurt. She couldn’t deny the facts of the case, but it still felt wrong, thinking about her mom that way. She didn’t remember much of her, but what she did remember was good. Her mom had given great hugs. She’d read her bedtime stories at night. And before she’d left to get her degree at Bennette, she’d told O’Neal that she would call her every morning before school. And she had. Until one day she hadn’t.
O’Neal had trouble wrapping her head around that version of her mom that she had known and the version those cold case shows painted. That her mother was going out all the time. That she was sleeping with multiple men. They saidparty girl.They meantslut.She’d overheard her grandparents using the termswildandloosewhen they didn’t think she could hear them.
She leaned forward and opened her notebook again. At the end of her rules and beliefs list, she turned to the next page and added one more thing she needed to work out in this experiment. The thing she knew her grandparents believed.My mom was reckless and was punished for her behavior.
She hated seeing the words, but they were important ones. She wanted to know the truth. She glanced around, wondering if her mom had studied here, in this building. She could’ve sat at this very table. The men she’d been seeing might still live here. Answers could be here. An idea came to her.
Maybe she could do a little investigating. Ask questions she’d never been able to ask. If she was going to be a journalist, maybe this would be her first assignment.
She closed the notebook and shoved it into her backpack. She would have to give this more thought later.
Right now, she needed to get back to the dorm and change. It was time to start marking items off of her list. She had a movie night to attend.
CHAPTERFIVE
O’Neal parked on the street in front of the pale blue refurbished Victorian her navigation app had led her to. Seeing Auden’s BMW in the driveway at the side of the house sent a dart of anxiety through her, but at least she’d found the right spot. Not giving herself time to chicken out, she got out of the car, grabbing her grocery bag on the way, and looked up at the house. Auden was definitely living better than she was in the dorms. She texted him that she was there, and he replied instantly.
Auden: Side staircase. We’re on the second floor
As she made her way toward the stairs, Auden stepped out onto the second-story porch and leaned against the railing, smiling down at her and looking like a dream in his black track pants and a blue Bennette swim team T-shirt, his light brown hair wind-blown. Man, maybe shewasFelicity-ing him.
“Hey, freshman,” he called out, a teasing note in his voice.
“Ugh.” She reached the top of the stairs and gave him a look. “I finally get rid of Shaq, and you give me a new nickname.”
