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She looked up at them, the stark look in her eyes cutting him off. “And I’m not cool enough to keep this casual. I already care about the two of you too much. Looking back at last night, I realize I would’ve done”—her gaze locked on Auden’s —“anythingyou asked. Anything to get you to call me your good girl again. I don’t even know what to do with that knowledge.”
The admission punched him right in the chest and made him ache in a way he’d never ached before.Anything to be his good girl.He couldn’t even imagine having O’Neal in that way. It was too much to even fathom. A fantasy.
“That’s a beautiful thing,” Len interjected. “A feature not a flaw. Sweets, we can—”
“Break my heart,” she said with a sad smile. “That’s what you will do because this has a built-in expiration date. You were right, Aud. I’m too young. Too green for this.” She glanced away. “And too in love with you already for it not to do damage.”
All the air in Auden’s lungs left him—an absolute sucker punch. He opened his mouth to try to speak, but words didn’t come.
“Don’t say anything. I’m not telling you to get a response,” she said. “I’m telling you because it’s another reason why this can’t go on. I can’t remember a time anymore when I didn’t love you. But it’s an uneven thing. I’m the groupie, and you’re the rockstar. No.” She gave him a grim half-smile. “You’re the swimmer, and I’m the swim fan.”
Auden grimaced. “No, you’re—”
“It’s okay. That’s on me. But I can’t keep pretending that it won’t consume me if I keep doing this with you…and Lennox.” She looked at Len. “Because, Len, you would be so easy to love.”
Len’s expression went blank with shock.
But O’Neal was already continuing, completely unaware that she’d just unraveled him and his best friend. “My mom lost her way here, spending more time getting attention from guys than on her studies or focusing on her own life. It led her down a path she never escaped from. I wish someone would’ve told her she was enough on her own. Maybe she’d still be around.” She pressed her lips together and looked off to the side like she was fighting back tears again. “I need to be enough on my own. I came here to find my own way. I can’t keep letting you guys take care of me when things get a little scary.”
“Relying on friends isn’t a sign of weakness,” Len said softly. “It’s what friends do for each other.”
“And a friend will hear what I’m asking for.” Her throat bobbed, resolve coming into her expression. “I need to end this on my terms because it was always going to end.” She looked to Auden. “And you know I don’t like surprise endings.”
Suddenly, a memory flickered to life in Auden’s mind. A pre-teen O’Neal going through all the fantasy and sci-fi books on his shelves and flipping to the end of each. When he’d caught her in his room and asked her what she was doing, she’d had tear stains on her face. Apparently, her teacher had assigned themWhere the Red Fern Growsfor school, and now she was determined to never read another school-assigned book again because“who gives books to kids where the dog dies?”Her teacher had told her if she could find an acceptable alternative, she could substitute a book for her book report. So now she needed something fast but wanted to make sure no one important died at the end.
Auden remembered being appalled that she was spoiling all the books for herself but also knew that if his mom had died, he probably wouldn’t want to read tragic endings either. So he’d sat next to her and searched through his books to make sure he didn’t give her anything that would break her heart again.
Now she was asking him the same favor.Don’t break my heart.
He ran a hand over the back of his head, the only thing he could say bubbling up and tasting like sour milk in his mouth. “Okay, Shaq. No surprise ending.”
She softened like she’d been holding a breath too long, and then came over to hug him. “Thank you.”
He gathered her against him, and Len gave him awhat the hell are you doinglook over her shoulder, but what else could Auden say? If he tried to fight for what they had, what did he really have to offer her? A kinky good time for two more semesters? So the fuck what? What did that count for? She loved him. She deserved someone who could give her that kind of love back with no fine print, who could fully commit just to her. Not someone greedy and broken like him. He could never be what she needed or what she deserved in the long term. There were no bookshelves to search for her this time.
He had no story with a happy ending to give her.
CHAPTERTWENTY-ONE
O’Neal clicked through comments on a true crime forum that had discussed her mother’s case a few months ago. Her brain buzzed with a low-level sense of numbness, the comments starting to blend together.
RTF52:maybe she turned some guy down and he got pissed and went apeshit
BeezerRR:yeah, especially if Mr. Mystery DNA knew she didn’t set the bar very high to get with her
ObzessedwithTC:I say serial killer, at least two were operating in the state at that time
BeezerRR:then his DNA would be in the index
ObzessedwithTC:I didn’t say they’d FOUND those serial killers
RTF52:then the DNA would’ve at least matched another crime. I say jilted dude
steeeeveAF:who cares, this case is boring. Drunk college chick hooks up with the wrong guy, the end. Check out this dismembering case in the PNW!
O’Neal rubbed the pounding spot between her eyes. She’d thought doing some research would get her mind off of her break-up with Auden and Lennox—if she could even call it a break-up—but this was just making her feel worse. Not only did she have to see people tearing down her mother, but she wasn’t any closer to having an answer as to what happened than she was before.
Across the room, Quyen stretched out on her bed, hanging her head upside down off the end of it, and groaned. She kicked the notebook she’d had open on the bed to the floor, and a pencil went rolling under the desk. “Why, oh why, do I need to learn all the math when I’m planning to be a therapist?”
