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The back doors open and Carmine himself steps out onto the patio. He stands in the shade of the umbrella and watches me for a moment until I sit up and look back at him, shading my eyes with my hand. He comes over wearing a dark suit, no tie, top button undone, and I think about what Robyn said: Carmine truly is a gorgeous bastard, like he’s straight out of an underwear commercial or something like that, except there’s an edge to him like there’s always a hint of something violent about to happen. He’s compact and intense and about to burst, and that chaotic and terrifying quality draws me into him every time he’s around.
“I thought you had meetings all day,” I say when he sits on the edge of the chair next to mine.
“Found a good contractor and sealed the deal. How do you feel about Israelis?”
“Uh, I can honestly say I’ve never really thought much about Israelis.”
“They’re a good crew, very professional, and exceedingly expensive. You’ll be safe.” He eyes me with his intensely dark look. “What’s the matter? You’re frowning like I just drowned your puppy.”
“You wrote my grandfather a check.”
He tilts his head to the side. “News travels quickly.”
“Why?”
“You want to knowwhyI gave your family a lot of money.”
“Yes.”
He clears his throat and a smile plays on his lips. “That’s a strange question to ask. Do you know the cliché about the gift horse and its mouth?”
“I know you’re like my grandfather and you don’t do anything without expecting something in return. Did you know he’d use some of that money to appease the Panagos family?”
“I might’ve suggested that would be one good use.”
I laugh bitterly. “Why not just pay them yourself then?”
“Because if I pay them, I look weak. Your grandfather is a useful intermediary.”
“It always comes back to beinguseful, doesn’t it? I feel like you’re buying me all over again.”
“And how does that make you feel?” He shifts closer, leaning forward to put a hand on my knee.
I knock it away. “It makes me feel cheap.”
“Trust me, if you saw the check, you wouldn’t feel cheap.”
“Don’t be a jerk.” I stand and move toward the pool. “Grandpa all but told me he wouldn’t help with the Panagos problem. Apparently, our family finances are even worse than we realized.”
“And now he’s amenable to being useful. I wonder why.” He laughs dryly and watches me with those cool eyes. “Tell me again what the issue is? I gave your grandfather something he needs, and he’s doing us a favor in return. We all win.”
How do I explain this to him? If this were some normal business transaction then everything he just said would be totally within bounds and justified, but this isn’t anywherenearnormal. I’m wearing this man’s ring and living in his house and my grandfather is only giving a shit about me because Carmine’s paying him to.
“I’m only worth something to them if I can provide something in return,” I say and rapidly blink back tears. “Grandpa didn’t care about me until suddenly you write a check.”
“You want them to love you unconditionally.”
“I want there to be conditions, but I don’t want money to be one of them.”
He sighs and slowly gets to his feet. He comes toward me, and I’d back away, but I don’t want to end up in the water. “I know what you’re feeling, filthy girl, and it doesn’t feel good.”
“How can you know that?”
“Because my family is the same way. Growing up, I only ever got any attention or positive reinforcement if I did something right, if I obeyed orders, if I was exceptionally clever or ruthless or vicious. My father didn’t care about me forme, he only cared that I was the perfect little heir to his criminal empire. I played my part the best I could because I wanted my father’s love and approval, but every day I knew it was contingent on being perfect, on not fucking up, and that ate at me. Little by little, it shriveled my soul.”
I shiver at his words. “I think my soul’s just as shriveled,” I whisper and tilt my chin up to meet his gaze.
“It doesn’t have to be.” He touches my cheek gently. “You don’t have to define yourself by their rules.”
