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“Not at the PPP Dome, they don’t—at least, women don’t,” Mia pointed out. “And they didn’t in the sect I grew up in, either. Masturbation was considered one of the worst sins you could commit. Like you were going straight to Hell if you did it—that kind of thing.”
“What?” Sev frowned.
He knew a little of the concept of “Hell” she was talking about—some Earth religions believed in a fiery pit where souls burned in agony forever. The Kindred version of Hell was different—it was complete and total separation from the Goddess. A black void where no good thing could ever come because her goodness and light had been forever excluded. Sev didn’t know which idea was worse, but he could understand how the idea of a lake of eternal fire would frighten a vulnerable child.
“You told me this wasn’t the first time it happened to you—whatexactly?” he asked, trying to form a more coherent question. “Being called out for, uh, touching yourself?”
“Exactly.”
Mia was still looking at her hands and Sev was afraid he would have to nudge her again, but finally she started talking.
“I told you my family joined the sect when I was twelve,” she whispered. “But I didn’t tell you that my mom divorced my father when he wouldn’t join with her. She got custody of me and my sister and brother and took us with her. Then she found a man who was in the sect and married him—which made him my stepfather.”
“Okay, got it.” Sev nodded. Human relationships could get complicated, because humans didn’t form Soul Bonds with their mates and so they were able to end relationships whenever they wanted and start new ones. As a Kindred this was a strange concept to him, but he understood what she was talking about. “So your stepfather—what about him?” he asked.
“He was a fucking asshole,” Mia said with unexpected vehemence. “He was also a ‘Bishop’ in our sect—a kind of religious leader. Basically he was like one of the Elders in the PPP,” she explained. “They’re always men because of course— women can’t have any kind of leadership role—and they’re also the ones who do the ‘Conduct Reviews.’”
“Conduct Reviews? What does that mean?” Sev asked, shaking his head.
“It’s basically when you get caught doing something wrong—or something the sectsaysis wrong—and they call you into this closed meeting—just you and three or four of the sect Bishops to talk about what you did and why you did it.”
Mia was looking more and more upset but at least she was talking—getting it out.
“Go on,” Sev murmured encouragingly. She needed to tell it all—he sensed this was something that had been festering for a long time.
“So…” Mia took a deep breath. “I used to…used to like touching myself when I was younger. I knew it was wrong—practically half of the lectures and sermons we got in the sect were all about how disgusting and dirty it was to “abuse your body” but I couldn’t seem to stop. And I thought…thought no one could see me and no one knew. So I kept on doing it for years but I didn’t know that…”
“That what baby?” Sev urged, when she paused.
Mia took another deep, trembling breath.
“I didn’t know that my stepfather was…was watching me.”
“What?”Sev demanded, feeling sick and angry all over again.
She nodded.
“I used to do it in the bathroom with the door locked—just take a long bath and…do what I wanted. Apparently there was a hole in the wall between my stepfather’s study and the bathroom I was using. So he could see…” She swallowed hard. “He could seeeverythingI did to myself.”
Sev’s stomach clenched like a fist.
“Did he—”
“He didn’t rape me. Not the way you’re thinking, anyway,” she said dully. “But God knows how often he watched me. My mom married him when I was thirteen and I’d been doing it for years by the time he finally confronted me.”
“What did he do?” Sev didn’t want to know this—didn’t want to hear about the woman he loved being hurt. But he sensed that Mia needed to tell it—needed to drain the poison that had collected in her heart so long ago from this old wound.
“Well, first of all he made sure to ‘catch me in the act,’” she said. She was still looking down at her hands. “He burst in on me when I was naked in the tub with… with my hand in the cookie jar, if you know what I mean.” She gave a dry little laugh that had no humor in it whatsoever.
“That son of a bitch!” Sev growled. He had to fight back the Rage that wanted to rise in him—as well as his desire to go and kill Mia’s stepfather at once.
“He didn’t touch me—he just looked at me with this expression on his face.” Mia shook her head. “I can hardly describe it. It was like…lust mixed with disgust. Like he wanted me but he was angry at me formakinghim want me or…I don’t know. Something like that. Anyway, he said I would have to come before him and the other Bishops in the sect for a Conduct Review.”
“What? So they could berate you for doing something that’s completelynatural?”Sev demanded.
“That’s what I thought but it was worse…somuch worse.”
Mia looked up at him briefly and he could see that her eyes were filled with tears. He thought for a moment about telling her she didn’t have to tell the rest, but he knew sheneededto tell it.
