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“Here—get dressed,” she said shortly. “I’ll go get breakfast started.”
“I don’twantfucking breakfast, I want totalk,”Sev growled, even as he started pulling on his clothes.
“There’s nothing to talk about,” Mia said shortly. “We made a mistake but we’ll get over it. If we can’t, we can always ask for different partners once we get back home to the PD.”
“What?”
Moving faster than a male of his size ought to be able to move, Sev was suddenly in front of her. He was only wearing the black trousers—the white shirt was gripped in his fist. Mia tried not to look at his broad, muscular chest as he leaned down to take her by the shoulders.
“Mia, baby—tell me you didn’t just say what I thought you said,” he rumbled, trying to look into her eyes.
Mia wouldn’t meet his gaze.
“We have to be able torespecteach other, Sev. And you wouldn’t have called me ‘Mia baby’ two days ago, before we took this assignment,” she pointed out. “You can’t respect me anymore after…after what I let you do. I get that—I understand it. I’ll even take the blame for it because it was my idea in the first place. But I can’t work with a partner who sees me as less that his equal.”
“I don’t see you as less—you’re still my equal!” Sev protested.
“Oh really?” Mia looked up at him, trying to swallow the sour lump of shame that had risen from her throat. “After I let you spank me and…and do everything else to me? How could you not?”
“Because that wasdifferent—it was a scene we were playing together,” he protested. “A scene to show the Elders we were ‘trying’ to do what they wanted! D/s doesn’t have to be an all the time thing, the way they do it in this fucked up place, you know. It can be something you keep for the bedroomonly.”
“We shouldn’t be doing ‘bedroom’ things togetherat all!”Mia protested. She knew she sounded prudish and probably silly, but how could she explain the hard knot of shame that still lived at the center of her gut—the knot that had grown there during the years she had lived in the sect? How could she tell Sev about the constant judgment, the prying eyes watching her every move, the fear that she would be eternally separated from her family in the afterlife if she didn’t behave as a perfect woman and wife should at all times?
Even though she considered herself an agnostic now, it was a guilt she couldn’t shake. And the fact that she’d given herself so completely and had let her partner dominate her and pleasure her in ways that would have been considered extremely sinful and shameful in her past life refused to leave her mind.
“I’m sorry, Sev,” she said, shaking her head. “But I just don’t see how we can go back to normal after…after last night.”
“So you don’t want a romantic relationship—I can understand that,” he said, frowning. “But that doesn’t mean we have to give up our professional relationship too!”
“We’ll see,” Mia said guardedly. “I guess it depends on the rest of our time here. As long as we can go back to the way things were before we came and just forget anything ever happened, maybe we can salvage our partnership.”
Sev still looked upset but he held up his hands in a gesture of peace.
“If that’s the way you want it, then that’s the way we’ll do it,” he said. “I’m not going to lie—I want you as more than a work partner, Mia—I have from the minute I first laid eyes on you. But I’d rather have you as just my partner than nothing at all. So if you really can’t handle anything but a professional relationship, all right—that’s what we’ll have.”
Mia wondered why she felt like crying. Sev was giving her what she wanted—giving in to her demands without a fight. They were going to forget about last night and go back to normal—or as normal as they could be while they were still in this fucked up place. So why did she feel so empty inside—so hollow, except for the shame she couldn’t seem to get rid of?
She didn’t have any answers so she just nodded her head.
“Fine,” she said. “I’ll go make breakfast now.”
She turned and headed out of the bedroom, refusing to let herself look at her partner. But she couldn’t help catching the look of hurt and confusion on his face out of the corner of her eye.
And she couldn’t stop the feeling that she couldn’t have hurt him any more if she’d put a knife in his guts.
THIRTY-THREE
SEV
Sev felt gut-punched—there was no other word for it. He had known his partner might have some difficulty dealing with the things they’d done the night before, but he’d had no idea that she would threaten to end not just their personal relationship but their professional one as well.
I can’t live without her in my life—or at least, I sure as hell don’t want to,he thought.She’s holding all the cards. I may be the fucking Dominant in this relationship—at least sexually—but Mia is the one in charge.
The thought that he really could lose her made him feel sick. It reminded him of the time at the gas station when they’d walked in on a robbery in progress and the robber had turned his gun on Mia.
Sev had been willing to die to save his partner that day—and he’d been so horrified at the thought of almost losing her that he’d gathered her into his arms afterwards, even though at that time they barely touched. All he could see when Mia had been staring down the barrel of the gun was a life without her—a cold, empty void without the one person who brought color and life and love to his existence—even if she didn’t know it.
He’d sworn to himself on that day that he would do anything to keep her—even pretend he didn’t love her.
