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‘You disgust me.’ I see that Rob’s car isn’t in the drive. He didn’t mention leaving early for work.
‘You enjoyed it. I know you did.’
‘Fuck off. And fuck off from my daughter too. You’re getting nothing from me or her. She told me last night that she doesn’t want anything to do with you. She’s finally seen sense. It’s over.’
A laugh comes down the line.
‘Are you denying you didn’t feel anything for me? That’s not what you said back then.’
All this time, I’ve blocked it out, refusing to allow what happened between us to enter my mind. Of all the things I did, sleeping with Darren wasn’t the worst, yet the shame has only grown over the years, not diminished. Perhaps it’s because it led to everything else that happened – the death of an innocent girl.
‘I was young and naive. I didn’t know—’
‘Hardly naive,’ he spits at me. ‘You knew exactly what you were doing. Things could have turned out very differently between us. We’d have made a good team.’
‘Oh, is that it?’ I say, the reality suddenly dawning on me. ‘Youregowas dented, wasn’t it?’ My turn to spit at him.
‘I looked after you. I looked afterallof you girls, and that’s how you repay me. You’re nothing but a lying, thieving whore, Hannah. And now it’s time to pay for what you did.Allof it.’
At that, I hang up, my hand shaking. I can’t stand to listen to it – to have him make my past the present, to infect my carefully controlled existence with the person I once was. I can’t take it. She’s not me any more. I flop down onto the bed, shaking, sweating, wondering if Rob is right – that we need a fresh start, just the four of us, where no one knows what I did.
CHAPTER THIRTY-SIX
HANNAH – NOW
At first, when I discovered Belle wasn’t home, I assumed that Rob must have taken her out with him when he left earlier – perhaps to the bakery to get some croissants or fresh bread, an attempt to normalise the morning that we both know isn’t normal at all. So I didn’t initially panic. After I’d hung up on Darren, I’d flopped back onto the bed for a few minutes, finally pulling myself together, knowing that if I didn’t get a grip, my family would fall apart. I’d dragged myself into the shower, put on clean clothes and had gone downstairs before the others were up. What with trying to keep my business running, approaching Belle about the pictures and deciding what to do about Leanne and Kate, there was a lot to get done today. Not to mention taking on board Rob’s revelation about his business worries, working out what it all meant for us. The realisation that we’d both kept secrets had unnerved me, though what unnerved me more was that Rob didn’t know the full extent of mine.
When Leanne and Kate emerged around 7.30a.m., holding hands and standing in the kitchen doorway looking lost and scared, I gave them some orange juice, tried to reassure them that everything would be OK, and went up to wake Amber. She’d be late for camp and there was no sign of Natalia yet. But I met Natalia coming down the stairs with Amber trailing in her wake, both dressed and ready for the day.
‘Is Belle up yet?’ I asked, but they shrugged, knowing that disturbing her too early would have probably resulted in a few stern words coming their way.
I went on up the stairs. ‘Belle?’ I’d said, knocking on her door. It was slightly ajar and, when I opened it, I saw her bed was empty – the duvet straightened and made up neatly, which in itself was unusual for my daughter. The rest of the room appeared unnaturally tidy too, but I figured that she’d had a clean-up last night, perhaps to distract herself from Jack not having called or texted.Good, I’d thought. Perhaps she’d finally decided to forget him and get on with her life. I’d talk about the photos later, let her know that I wasn’t judging her but also explain how she was being groomed by Jack. Then I’d bring up her returning to school at the start of term and getting on with her studies. I’d pretty much convinced myself that things would soon get back to normal.
But now, back in the kitchen, as I’m making scrambled eggs for the girls, Rob arrives home, dragging himself into the kitchen in khaki shorts and an old T-shirt that he wears when he cuts the lawn. He looks worn out.
‘Couldn’t sleep,’ he says, ruffling his hair. And sure enough, he’s been to the bakery and deposits fresh croissants and a bloomer loaf on the worktop. ‘Thought I’d get these while I was out. Just went for a drive, to clear my head.’
I look behind him expectantly. ‘Where’s Belle?’
Rob looks confused. ‘In bed?’
‘I thought she was with you.’
Rob shakes his head. ‘No, like I said, I left early. Don’t worry, love. She’ll be fast asleep still.’
‘No, no,’ I say, my throat closing up. ‘I’ve been up already. She’s not in her room.’
‘In the bathroom?’ Rob goes to the coffee machine, his movements slow as if everything is an effort. His hair sticks up in tufts and he sighs heavily as he presses the buttons on the machine.
I dash upstairs to check, to see if Rob’s right – that I missed the sound of the shower running or Belle singing to herself as she got ready in the bathroom – but the door is open and there’s no one in there. I check her bedroom again, and Amber’s – in fact, all of upstairs – but there’s no sign of her anywhere. I take the stairs as fast as I can back down, drawing up close to Rob, who’s sipping his espresso. I grab his arm. ‘She’s not upstairs. She’s gone.’
He frowns. ‘Maybe she’s gone out for a walk. It’s a nice morning.’
I shake my head. ‘No,’ I say. ‘She won’t have. You know as well as I do she wouldn’t do that, especially at this hour.’ And I see by the growing concern on Rob’s face that he agrees. It would be most unlike our daughter. ‘What should we do?’ I whisper. I grab my phone to call her, but it goes straight to her message service. My voice shakes as I tell her to call me as soon as possible. ‘Rob, I should phone the police. What if…’ I can hardly bring myself to say the words, so I whisper, ‘What if Darren has taken her against her will?’
Rob pulls a shocked face. ‘Darren? Who…who’s Darren?’
I tense up, having realised my mistake a second before he calls me out on it. I glance over at Leanne and Kate, who are huddled together on the sofa, chatting quietly. And that’s when I smell burning. I spin round and grab the pan off the hob, the eggs ruined and stuck to the bottom. For a moment, I’m tempted to lie, try to convince Rob that he heard me wrong, that I meant to say Jack, of course, but I can’t. Something inside me wants it all to spill out, for him to make everything better and somehow, erase my past. Erase this dangerous present. But all I say is, ‘Darren is Jack, Rob. He’s been lying to Belle. He’s been lying to everyone.’ I don’t addandso have I.
