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‘I guess, yeah,’ I say, hugging her again and marvelling at her wisdom. ‘And I promise not to be so…’ I take a breath because I know it’ll be hard; go against everything I’m used to. But I must change, for Belle’s sake. ‘I promise not to be so protective, to give you space to grow.’
Belle smiles at me, giving a little nod of appreciation.
‘There’s something I don’t understand, though,’ she continues.
‘Go on…’
‘How did you know where to find me?’ she asks. ‘I mean, at thatplace? I didn’t tell anyone where I was going.’
This is your chance, I think,to tell her everything. But I stop short, not allowing the words to filter from my brain to my mouth. I could let her know that when I first met Darren when I wasn’t quite seventeen, I, too, got caught up in his lies, and how I’ll never forgive myself for what I had to do to get the keys from him. How his hands were all over me that night when Luba was out, how my naked body distracted him just enough for me to steal them. It was the only way I knew to get the money, to give Hannah a head start in life with you, Belle. How, by that point, I was inured to being used – though in that case, I was the one using him. I could explain how I never expected Hannah to give birth before she had the chance to get away, and never did I once consider that she’d lose all that blood and die. I now know it was most likely postpartum haemorrhage and that, with proper medical care, she’d have likely made it. It was my fault for not getting her to hospital.
I could tell her, too, how, when I saw her as a baby lying on that bed, my heart had melted for her, how her eyes looked up at me imploringly as if she was my own – as if I was her mother. How Hannah had said once said that if anything should happen to either of us, we would be there for each other, whatever it took. So that’s what I did. I could also explain how I grabbed the money, how I bundled her up along with Hannah’s documents and fled, living a lie from the moment I ran out of the Cloisters, pretending ever after to be someone I’m not. I turned myself into Hannah. So much so that these days, I’ve long since forgotten who I really am. I could tell her that I’ve loved her as my own daughter from that day onward, never once doubting our bond. I have her blood flowing through my veins, after all.
Blood sisters.
But I don’t. I don’t tell her any of this.
I can’t.
What good would it do? And that means I can’t tell Rob either. Though he’s going to ask questions, I know he is. HowdidI know where Belle was? WhydidI lie about knowing Darren – or Jack as they both believed him to be? Whydidn’tI mention that I lived in London all those years ago?
The secret will stay with me.
To think that Darren photographed Hannah’s dead body makes me feel sick. Knowing how Vaughn operates, it would have been easy for them to dispose of her. An unknown runaway with no one looking for her, no one to report her missing. We were all expendable, ghosts of our former selves, with no one caring if we were dead or alive. And then he waited, bided his time for eighteen years before coming back to blackmail me using Belle as a pawn, to make me pay for what I’d done. What I’d stolen. But we’d earnt that money – and then some. And Hannah had paid the ultimate price. It was blood money, and I don’t regret stealing it one bit. It’s given Belle a good life – the life she deserved.
But what I don’t know is how Darren foundme. And I’ll have to live with that, safe in the knowledge that he can’t hurt us any more. We are finally free.
‘Right, you two,’ Rob says, coming into Belle’s room with a tray, thankfully getting me out of having to answer Belle’s question. ‘Ham and cheese sarnies and a cup of tea each. How are you both feeling?’
‘Bored!’ Belle and I chant together.
‘Please can we get up now, Dad? We’re fine. I want to go for a walk or something. Anything but be stuck in bed.’
‘She’s right,’ I say. ‘It’s doing my head in. Why don’t we eat these and go down to the park for a stroll?’
Rob stands there, hands on hips, his eyes flitting between us. I know how deeply he cares about us – and Amber too, who, right on cue, tumbles into the room and jumps onto Belle’s bed.
‘When are we going to watch that movie, Belle?’ she says, fidgeting about. ‘I’m so bored I could chew my foot off.’
Rob and I laugh together. I never thought I’d be pleased that three quarters of my family are so utterly and completely at a loss about what to do. It’s bliss.
‘Not you too,’ Rob says, ruffling Amber’s hair. ‘What is it with my family that they can’t sit still for a minute?’ He drops down on the bed and we all squash up. Belle and I eat our sandwiches, and I look at each of them in turn – Rob, Belle and Amber.
My family…Rob’s words play out in my mind. He’s the best father in the world, and I’ll be forever grateful to him for taking a chance on me and Belle all those years ago – a single mother, afraid, nervous, always looking over her shoulder to see if the past was about to catch up with her. I couldn’t have wished for a better stepdad for Belle if I’d hand-picked him myself.
‘I love you,’ I say, grinning as three faces turn to me.
‘Who?’ Amber asks, stealing one of my sandwiches.
‘All of you. The whole damn lot of you.’
‘And I love you too,’ Rob says, draping his arms around us and pulling us in for a huddle. ‘My girls…’ he says, kissing each of us in turn.
EPILOGUE
ROB – A MONTH LATER
‘What do you think?’ Hannah says, spinning round in front of the bedroom mirror, showing off her new dress.
