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"No," I said. "No way. I don't care if this is a mess. It's worth it that I didn't end up hurting you." You spared him physical pain , a nasty voice inside me taunted. But what about Maddie? Pain isn't always physical, you of all people know that. What about the heartache you've caused her? I ignored the voice.
"I don't care," said Seth. "I would have done it. I would have sold my soul for you. You and me...I told you. Something's always going to keep us near each other...even if we aren't together."
I rose from my chair and sat on his lap, wrapping my arms around him and wondering how it was possible that my heart was both swelling and breaking at the same time. I leaned my head against his shoulder.
"I love you," I said softly. "And I forgive you." Something weird about those words made me shiver, as though I'd never said them to anyone. "And I understand now why you did what you did." I didn't elaborate on the "what." I didn't need to.
Seth kissed my cheek. "Do you ever feel like...we're reliving this moment over and over?"
I thought about our troubled past. "If we are, I don't want to worry about it. Not right now."
I think he was going to say more, possibly even correct me, but I didn't give him a chance. I kissed him, and like every other time, it was sweet and powerful and the most right thing in the world. We wrapped ourselves together, and somehow, despite the cold weather, we got enough clothes off and made love with the wind whipping our hair and the stars shining down on us. And like that first time, I still had that sense that we weren't close enough. Even when our bodies joined and he moved in me, it still felt like I could never, ever be close enough to him. Maybe it was this mystical connection he kept talking about. Or maybe it was just a metaphor for our lot in life.
We sat together for a long time afterward, draped in blankets and saying little. I wanted to stay there all night. Forever, even. In this affair, it was the one thing we hadn't done: spend the night together after sex. We always had to part and go on to the rest of our lives.
He finally dropped me off at my car, and we kissed for a long time before I could finally extricate myself. Seth ran his hand along my cheek and hair, reluctant to let me go. I shared the sentiment.
"What will you do now?" he asked.
"I don't know. One more search tomorrow, I guess. If there's even time. I expect Ephraim to name somebody any minute now."
Seth nodded, eyes dark and thoughtful. "Well, if you need company again..."
I smiled, unsure if that was a smart idea or not, but it wasn't a decision I wanted to make tonight. I didn't know if I wanted the balcony to be our last moment together in this fling or if I wanted to cling to another few precious seconds, even on the beach.
"I'll let you know," I promised. I kissed him one last time and then left to find my own car. I had just unlocked it when a voice spoke to me out of the darkness.
"Can you give me a lift?"
I sighed. I really didn't like the way everyone could sneak up on me lately. Of course, with Carter's sick sense of humor, I wasn't entirely shocked. He'd lurked while hiding his aura plenty of times in the past because he liked the element of surprise. Still. I didn't even have a fighting chance now.
I opened my door. "Sorry. I don't pick up hitchhikers."
Undeterred, he slid into the passenger seat and put on his seat belt. "Did you have a good evening, madam?" He spoke in an old-fashioned, genteel sort of way.
"Don't take that tone with me."
"What tone? I was being polite."
"You know exactly what I've been doing, so don't act like you're making pleasant conversation."
"Why are they mutually exclusive?"
I refused to look at him. "I don't want to be judged."
"Am I judging you? Sounds more like you're judging yourself, which really, is the way it should be. The best jury of your peers that you'll ever find is...well, you. Only you know what you're capable of and what you want to be."
"Did you find me just to delve into the philosophy of my morals?" I grumbled.
"Nah," he said. "Whenever I find you, I just sort of go with this free-form thing and see where the mood takes me."
"Maybe the mood could take you to Jerome."
"That's your quest, not mine. Any luck?"
Again, I faced that dilemma. Who could I tell what? Grace, Roman...so many players on the board now and no clear opponent. "Some," I said at last.
"Oh-ho," he laughed. "You could be an angel with an answer like that."
"Well, I don't think it's going to be enough to find Jerome, not unless a miracle happens." The drive was short. I pulled up outside my building, getting a lucky front spot.
Carter turned and winked at me. "Well, you know my take on those. Thanks for the lift."
"Wait," I said, realizing he was about to teleport away. "I have a question."
He arched an eyebrow. "Oh?"
"How come when mortals want things, their only option is to make a deal with Hell and sell their soul? Why can't they make deals with God in exchange for good behavior?"
It was another of those rare moments when I'd surprised Carter. I waited for the glib answer I'd mentioned to Seth, something along the lines of goodness being its own reward. The angel considered for several seconds.
"Humans make those deals all the time," he said finally. "They just don't make them with God."
"Then who are they making them with?" I exclaimed.
"Themselves." He vanished.
"Fucking angels," I muttered.
I arrived in my apartment only minutes before Dante showed up. "Oh, I'm in luck," he said, seeing me on the couch with Aubrey. "You seem to always be busy lately."
I felt a small pang of guilt at what I'd done tonight. A lie was still a lie, no matter who you were lying to.
"I'm saving Seattle," I explained, making room for him beside me.
He sat down, clean-shaven for a change and looking good in his usual jeans, thermal shirt, watch, and boots. His insecurity was driving him to buy me gifts lately, but I realized I'd need to step it up and get him some wardrobe variety once all this madness ended.
"And how's that going exactly?"
Everyone kept asking me that. Seth. Carter. Dante. And my answer was lame each time. "Not so great, actually. I think tomorrow'll be the day it all resolves, and Jerome's going to be lost forever. Even if he's not, it'll be too late for him to get his old position back. His best-case scenario'll be someone's lieutenant in northern Michigan."
Dante put his arm around me and his feet on my coffee table. "Well, succubus, don't take this wrong way, but I'll be glad when this is over, new archdemon or no. I'm tired of you being stressed all the time, and I'm tired of not getting any face time with you." He toyed with the strands of my hair. "I'm also kind of tired of how frizzy this is. Isn't there some product you can use?"
"Hey," I said. "Not funny. What happened to internal beauty?"
He seemed undaunted. "You've got plenty of that. I just want the whole package. Besides, the look on your face was great when I said that."
His hand slipped from around my waist to trace patterns between my hip and thigh. It wasn't overtly sexual but I had a feeling that between that and his good mood-which I was happy for, don't get me wrong-there was an amorous advance in my future.
"Will you read my cards?" I asked abruptly.
He gave me a shocked look. "Tarot cards?"
"Yeah."
"You know that's all bullshit."
"It is when you bend the truth for your clients. Please? Just do a quick one."
"Fine. I'll give you a card-of-the-day one. All the mysteries of the universe in one card." I could hear the eye roll in his voice as he got up to get his cards out of his satchel. He usually kept them on him in the event of an impromptu client opportunity.
"Don't lie to me," I warned. "I know more than your clients."
"Wouldn't dream of it," he said, deftly shuffling the cards. I'd seen him scam clients plenty of times, telling them what they wanted to hear. Seeing as I didn't know what I wanted, I supposed that excluded me from that category. After the cards were thoroughly randomized, he had me cut them, and then he neatly restacked them. "Draw."
I took the first card off the top and flipped it over. "Fuck."
