AllFreeNovel
Share Us
“So what if you’re only now figuring something out? You need to stop being so hard on yourself.”
“I’m not.” I adjusted my seatbelt and stared out the passenger window. Anything other than accidentally meeting his gaze.
“You are. Trust me, as a fellow type-A person, I get it, but I’ve worked to give myself a lot more grace. You have sky-high expectations for yourself and don’t give yourself much room to maneuver. Or grow.”
“Thank you, Dr. Freud.”
“Hey now, my time in therapy has served me well.” Malik shook his head like my retort had let him down, and I instantly regretted my words. Malik had a way of making me want not only a better filter for my mouth but to be a better person. “All I’m saying is you don’t have to be miserable.”
“Not miserable.” I sighed hard. “More like stupid. You’re wicked smart, but I struggled to pay attention in school, couldn’t keep my ass in the chair or my mind on the books, and I missed all sorts of stuff the brainiacs like you picked up on.”
“You’re a navy SEAL, and Harley said you were a damn legend at BUD/S training. You’re not stupid.” We’d slowed for a farm truck on the rural highway, and Malik reached over to give me a quick pat. “People discover new stuff about themselves all the time. My mom recently discovered she adores Filipino food. Dragged me to her new favorite place during my last visit. And she switched her bathroom from her old favorite shade of blue to this purple-gray she can’t get enough of these days.”
“Those are easy things.” I exhaled like I needed to blow out a fire. “This is different. I should have known if I like dick. Maybe suspected a little more…”
“Nah. Just because it’s sex doesn’t mean there’s a requirement to have everything figured out by high school.”
“Other people do just that.”
“And some others don’t.” Malik decisively merged onto a larger highway.
“Way back in the Stone Age when you were a virgin, did you know every last thing you’d like in bed?”
“Well…not exactly.” I peered off into the craggy mountains lining the horizon.
“See? I’ve got a friend from the SEALs. Big, tough dude. One night, he let his girl tie him up. Turns out he loves letting her dominate him, and now they go to this kink club in DC all the time. Trust me, he didn’t know that about himself in his teens.”
Malik’s voice was all casual, like he was telling me about a camping trip or some party, but that didn’t stop my pulse from quickening or my face from heating. Tie him up. I rubbed my left wrist against my prosthesis, trying to erase the feel of an invisible knot.
“And do you think I knew I might be pan back in the playpen?” Malik continued as he easily passed a semi.
“You do seem way more chill than me about discovering you like dick.”
“It doesn’t mess with how I see myself. I’m still Malik. Still me. Just might have a bigger dating pool now, but it’s not like I need to worry about any coming out drama right this minute either.”
Still me. I wished I had a fraction of his certainty. “How do you figure?”
“I’m alone with you in the Colorado backcountry for several weeks. Ample time to explore what I like about dick, as you so elegantly put it, if you’re up for that. If you’re not, well, I’m on a break from dating anyway. I’ll cross the tell-the-world bridge if and when I come to it.”
“Oh.” My mouth moved in cartoon-like slow motion to form a perfect O. “You make it sound so easy.”
And tempting. God, I wanted to explore with him in the worst way. I didn’t want to be a jumbled-up mess in my head forever.
“Two dudes figuring themselves out. No one’s business what we do in that room but us. This doesn’t have to be hard.”
“But what if I’m not pan? What if I’m gay?” Saying the word aloud for the first time had my stomach heaving and my thighs clenching against the fabric seat. “Was I lying to myself for all these years?”
“First, the label doesn’t matter. You’re still Avery. Gay, straight, bi, pan. Second, what did I say about beating yourself up? You’re on a journey, same as the rest of us mere mortals, doing the best you can with what you know at the time.”
“Damn, you’re wise.” Slowly some of the tension left my body. Malik was right. I was still Avery. I was still a SEAL. I could deal with whatever this late-blooming realization was.
“Thanks.” Malik chuckled as he gave me another pat. “Lots of therapy for my PTSD and to stop my perfectionist ways, but thanks.”
“I mean it. Thanks. And thanks for last night.” The car heater must have flipped on high because, suddenly, my back was all sweaty. “I’m sorry I stole your sleep.”
