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“I’m going to guide you through this…” she informs. “Close your eyes and walk me through Dalton holding the knife in front of you.”
Tears surface as I do what she asks. Starting slow, I describe what it was like to be taped to the chair and how helpless I felt. Being restrained, having no control, fearing for my life.
Mary asks questions and navigates me through, encouraging me to continue and combat the fears that now overlap with my everyday life. I’ve actively tried to push the thoughts of that night out of my head, but in this scenario, I’m standing on the edge of a mountain, and she’s pushing me right over, falling fast into the darkness.
With tears down my cheeks and my arms wrapped around me, holding me securely, I manage to get through the exercise. Once I’ve opened my eyes and wiped my face, I inhale a deep breath. The anxiety I had before feels a little less heavy on my chest.
“You did really well, Sophie,” she tells me. “I can tell how hard that was for you, but I can reassure you this type of behavior therapy has been very successful for many of my clients. I think it can help you too, if we continue to practice. Taking control of your emotions and fears inevitably gives you back the power.”
I nod, proud that I got through it too. I’m so grateful for her and being able to take this time to work on myself.
“We still have some time left, Sophie, so why don’t you tell me how things are going with Mason. You told me that you’ve asked him for some relationship space. Is that still the case?”
I grin when I think about him, though I’ve been mostly distant and in my own head this past week. “Yes, and he’s been very understanding. I know he’s here for me, and he doesn’t push my boundaries, which I’m grateful for, but I feel bad for putting him through this. I still worry I’m too broken at this point to ever be what he deserves. After Weston’s emotional abuse, I still have to fight the thoughts he implanted in my head. It’s hard not to believe them even though the rational part of me knows they were all lies.”
“Weston used emotional manipulation to break you down so you’d believe what he told you. Abusers like him make you truly believe that you’re unworthy of happiness or healthy relationships. He wanted you to think all the bad things he did were your fault. The only thing you’re guilty of is being a good person and trying to see the best in everyone. You are a good person.”
I let out a sigh. “I am.”
“Do you find doing your breathing exercises helps when you feel anxious?”
“Yes, for the most part,” I tell her. It’s something the counselor taught me in Utah.
“That’s great. Keep it up. I’d like to give you a project for the next time we meet. It can often be hard for a person to realize how far they’ve come or what part of their treatment has really helped, so I’d like you to start an anxiety journal. Every time you feel fear, out of control, or anxious, write down the moment. Then record what you did to cope with it and whether it helped. Keeping track can allow you to see any patterns or triggers. Even if it’s things you think are stupid, write it down so we can talk about it.” Her voice is soft and sweet, and I focus on it as I agree with her suggestion.
When our session ends, we set an appointment for the same day next week. When I walk outside, I feel a sense of clarity. I need to take it one day at a time and focus on the right now.
I walk to my car, and as soon as I get inside, I lock the door and pull my phone from my purse, and see I have a text from Maddie.
Maddie: I got the dates for the fall ballet recital and wanted to send them over to you! Last Friday of Sept. You’re coming, right?
I quickly open my calendar app and don’t see anything scheduled for work. Though I’m not actually playing now, every performance is penciled in for the year.
Sophie: Definitely! Wouldn’t miss it for the world.
Maddie: Awesome. Wanna invite everyone for me too? ;)
She has a way of making me laugh.
Sophie: You mean invite Liam?
Maddie: Thank you! He needs to see how flexible I really am and how many different positions I can put my body in, if you know what I mean.
Sophie: You are so relentless. Which I actually find admirable.
Maddie: He’ll crack eventually. It’s just a matter of time. Guaranteed!
I snort. She’s had a thing for him since the first time she met him and refuses to give it up. Maybe eventually she will break through Liam’s thick shell, but I’m not so sure. He’s not the kinda guy who settles down with anyone, and if he hurt Maddie, I’d chop off his balls, then Lennon would feed them to him. Hunter considers Maddie and me his sisters, so I wouldn’t be surprised if he’d kick his ass on principle alone.
