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I suddenly felt like an animal caught in a trap. Frantic and desperate to get away. I couldn’t have this conversation. I couldn’t ruin the best moment of my life with whatever he was about to say. And yet I couldn’t leave. I couldn’t walk away from my own horror show.
“I mean, it was good,” he said. As if that were the problem. “That’s not what I meant. It just … it shouldn’t have happened. We were drunk, and I’d just gone through a breakup. I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have taken advantage of you like that.”
Taken advantage of me.
He thought he’d taken advantage of me.
When I’d wanted this to be my reality for my whole life.
“That isn’t what happened,” I said quickly.
He winced. “It is. We’d had a good day, and I was so fucked up. You were … here.”
I was here.
He didn’t feel the way I did. Of course he didn’t. I’d known that, and yet I’d still fallen into bed with him. I’d let myself believe that he wanted this like I did.
No, worse. I hadn’t cared why he wanted me. I’d given in to that base desire within me that said I’d do anything to have Ash. For any reason. Any reason at all. And he had last night.
Now, in the daylight, it was all clear that this was a rebound. I was a rebound for Ash. Lila had slept with Cole. And so he’d slept with me. To make himself feel better or something.
I felt like I was going to be sick.
And I couldn’t do that. I couldn’t let him see that on me. I hadn’t seen past my own desires to what was reality. If I’d known it was a rebound, would I still have done it? Yes. Would it have hurt a little less? Maybe. But I hadn’t realized. And now, it felt like my heart was being ripped from my chest.
“And Derek,” Ash said with another wince. “Fuck, Derek can’t know.”
I nodded vigorously. “Right. Derek. No, I won’t tell Derek.”
“Amelia, I’m sorry. I really am.”
“What are you sorry for?” I asked with a soft laugh.
I reached deep down inside of me for that pageant smile. One that I’d never had to use with Ash. He could normally see it for what it was, but he must not have wanted to look for it right now. He must have wanted so badly for me to be fine with this that he didn’t care.
“You’re not … upset?”
“No,” I lied. “It’s fine, Ash. We had fun, right?”
“Yeah. I mean, of course we did.”
I took a step backward and kept that fake smile up. “You’re going through a lot. Don’t worry about me.”
“I shouldn’t have taken advantage of you.” He ran his hand back through his hair again. “You’re my best friend’s little sister. And you’re such a good friend.”
“Please stop saying that. You didn’t take advantage of me. I was a willing participant,” I reminded him. “I said yes. I said yes many times.”
His cheeks tinted pink at my words, and he cleared his throat. “Right. Yeah, you did.”
“So, uh … just don’t worry about it,” I told him, sidling past him. “It was a one-time thing.”
Ash hastily moved out of my way, as if touching me would set off a land mine. “Sure. One-time thing. I don’t want this to change anything between us.”
“Of course not.” I reached for the bathroom door. “Just going to take a shower. Have to get into work after you leave for the airport.”
“Okay,” he said, taking another step back.
I entered the bathroom, turned the shower up as hot as it would go, and then slumped to the ground with my back to the door. I waited for his retreating steps before I let my smile drop, and the tears hit me. I put my face into my hands and cried like I hadn’t since Camden had dumped me. Maybe not even then.
I’d been an idiot. A complete and total fool. I had wanted this so badly that I’d given up my entire heart for that moment. For a moment that he didn’t want anyone to know about, that he never wanted to talk about again.
My heart cracked straight down the middle, as if Ash had taken a chisel and split it in half. I was just a little girl again, mooning over her brother’s best friend. All I’d wanted was for him to notice me. The boy I’d always had a crush on. Now, he had. Now, he’d had me. And it hadn’t been enough.
No. Worse. It had been nothing.
A good time. A one-night stand. A rebound.
I cried harder at that word. I cried until I had no more tears left in me. Until I felt numb to the pain of a broken heart.
Then, I swiped at my eyes, pulled myself up, and looked into the foggy mirror. I wiped my hand across the glass to look at my blurry reflection in the surface. The girl looking back at me was nothing like the woman I wanted to be.
