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I leaned far out against the railing, letting the summer air blow through my hair as I gazed out across the river. This was going to be such a mess.
A few minutes later, Josie stood at my side. “Are you trying to escape too?”
I managed a laugh. “Nah. Ash went to get drinks.”
Josie asked about Marina, but I didn’t even know what to say about that. Marina was usually so forthright. It wasn’t something that I could figure out just yet. Especially when I was already trying to figure out what the hell to do about Ash.
I hung my head. “Can I talk to you about something else too?”
“Oh boy,” Josie said.
“You can probably guess, but, uh, Lila?”
“Yeah.”
“I don’t talk about her or ask about her, but Derek called to discuss the trip, and he …”
“Yeah?”
“Ash doesn’t know?”
“No.”
“And you agreed to tell him after we get back?”
“Derek said he would,” Josie said.
“I wish he’d never told me,” I spat. “I feel real sick about knowing and not telling Ash. I don’t even know Lila. She was two years ahead of me at St. Catherine’s. We didn’t really interact. But how do you think he’ll react when he finds out?”
“That … I don’t know.”
“Do you think he’ll … try to stop the wedding?” I couldn’t keep the panic from my voice. I felt young and stupid. I’d told myself I wouldn’t fall for him until he was over her, and here I was all over again … fucked in the head about it.
Josie’s hand covered mine. “You’re only hurting yourself, asking yourself these what-ifs.”
“I know, but fuck,” I growled, pushing away from the railing, “the bad timing. Did Cole really have to propose to Lila right now?”
A glass shattered behind us.
I whipped around to find Ash Talmadge. My hand flew to my mouth as I realized what he’d just heard me say. He’d been bringing me a drink, and it had slipped out of his hand to shatter at his feet. Glass covered the stone floor, and alcohol soaked his suit pants.
It was worse, looking into his furious eyes and pale face. Those blue eyes locked on mine. I felt suddenly sick to my stomach. This wasn’t how it was supposed to happen. This wasn’t how he was supposed to find out.
“What?” Ash asked, hard and flat.
“Ash,” I gasped.
“Cole … proposed to Lila.”
“Yes,” Josie said, stepping in for me.
“You knew?” he said, his eyes only for me.
“Yes, but …”
“Did Derek know?”
I gaped at him. “He …”
“Of course he did. Of course he fucking did.”
“Ash …”
“Everyone knew,” he finished.
I stepped forward, one hand extended to touch his sleeve, but he reacted immediately. His body shuddered as he flinched away from me and stepped backward. I stopped moving. Stood there, frozen in place, as Ash looked at me like I was the enemy. And I didn’t know what to do or what to say. Not with that anger radiating off of him.
“Hey, what’s going on over here?” Maddox asked as he appeared before us.
“I’m … going to go,” Ash said with a head shake.
Maddox watched him walk away in confusion. “What just happened?”
“He found out about Lila,” Josie said.
“Fuck.”
“I should go after him,” I choked out.
“No,” Maddox and Josie said together.
Josie and Maddox made plans to help Ash, but I was still stuck. Right where he’d left me.
They were still talking as I muttered, “I didn’t mean for that to happen.” And I continued over their objections, “I shouldn’t have hidden it from him.” Josie tried to placate me, but I couldn’t hear her. “Fuck. Fuck everything. Fuck this timing. I just thought we were …” I trailed off and swiped tears from my eyes. “I guess it doesn’t matter. I’m … going to get someone to clean this up.”
I disappeared before Josie could say anything else that she thought would help me. I found someone to sweep up the glass and then sank down into a seat at the periphery of the party.
I’d told Ash all those months earlier that I wouldn’t date him unless he was over Lila. And for so long, he’d given me every indication that I was the only person he was interested in. Two years almost to the day when Lila had walked out on their wedding, and I’d thought he was over her.
Had I just been wasting my time? Was I doing exactly what I’d said I’d never do?
Waiting for always.
Something sparked in my chest at that. Something angry. Something furious.
This was bullshit. All of it was bullshit.
I shouldn’t have waited for Ash. He shouldn’t have been acting like we were dating and stringing me along while he was waiting for Lila to take him back. The engagement was a wake-up call. Not for him, but for me. I didn’t deserve this. I didn’t deserve his anger. I didn’t deserve to be kept in the wings, and I wouldn’t any longer.
