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Dr. Gresham stayed silent, doing what he did best—listening to me. “So, I panicked and rushed out to my car, and I stupidly drove home, but I couldn’t stay there. I felt unsafe.” A tear slid down my cheek, and I reached up to swipe it away, sucking in a large, deep breath. “I was getting a shower when it got really bad. I had a flashback, and I guess I hyperventilated to the point that I blacked out. Caiden found me in the shower when he got home from work.”
“Let’s talk about this one first,” Dr. Gresham spoke up, stopping me from moving on to my next anxiety attack. “I just want to touch base on your mother for a moment.” I nodded, showing him that I was listening. “One day, your mother is going to reach out to you to mend your relationship. This is inevitable,” he warned me when I shook my head. I sighed. He didn’t know my mother like I did, but I continued to listen to what Dr. Gresham had to say anyway. “When she does, Ally, I want you to sit on that decision for a while and decide for yourself if it’s truly healthy or not, and whether or not you can handle a relationship with your mother.”
I nodded. “I don’t think I could ever allow her back into my life.” I shrugged. “Or, if I do, it won’t be anytime soon. It’ll be years down the road before that happens.”
“And that’s okay. It’s okay to block your parents out for however long you need to, even if that time is forever. You have an obligation to yourself first. You have to take care of yourself before you can start taking care of anyone around you.”
“Boundaries,” I confirmed.
He nodded, a proud smile tilting his lips. “That’s right—boundaries.” He gently squeezed my shoulder. “Continue on with what you were telling me.”
“I had another anxiety attack on the day that I met with the attorney for the first time.” I blew out a shaky breath. That fear that Randall might walk free still slithered through my veins, but I reminded myself that he was locked up—sentenced to thirty years with a chance of parole only after he had served twenty. He was locked up for a long time. He couldn’t touch me—not anymore.
“I remembered my medicine that time, though Mr. Taylor had to help me get the bottle open. I was shaking too badly to do it myself.”
“You need to talk to your pharmacist about putting your emergency anxiety medication into a non-safety-cap container,” Dr. Gresham spoke up.
I nodded. “I’ll do that,” I told him since I seriously had never thought about requesting that. I’d never had to use them before.
“Continue.”
“I got through the rest of that somewhat okay for the most part. Caiden showed up to sit with me for the remainder of the meeting once Mr. Taylor called Christian.” I sighed. “Christian couldn’t leave work.”
“Pause,” Dr. Gresham spoke up. I looked over at him. “I imagine you wanted Christian because he has a way of speaking to you when you’re in that kind of state, correct?” I nodded. “Let’s talk about the difference between Christian and Caiden for a moment, and I’m going to give you my honest opinion.”
Wasn’t sure if I was ready to hear this, but Dr. Gresham was always helpful, and I trusted him. “Okay.”
“Caiden was probably best in that situation.” I frowned, not understanding why. “And here’s why I think that. Christian is soothing—perfect for a therapist and someone dealing with the aftermath of an episode like you had. But when someone with anxiety drops into a panic attack, they need someone to help snap them out of it, and that’s where Caiden steps in for you. He’s soothing in his own way, but he’s also firm, and he has a different way of making you listen to him when you’re having an anxiety attack than Christian does.”
“Wow,” I breathed. I looked over at Dr. Gresham. “He does,” I realized, remembering all those times Caiden had pissed me off or said something I didn’t want to hear. Dr. Gresham smiled. “I just—Caiden can be so…blunt.” I shrugged. “I don’t really know how to put it. He’s not a gentle kind of person. I mean, he can be, but it’s definitely not in his nature. Even at the courthouse, he snapped at me for having so many doubts.”
“And where was Christian during that time?”
“Next to me,” I informed Dr. Gresham. “But he stayed silent.”
“Because Christian knows that sometimes, you need that harshness from Caiden. It keeps you grounded, and it lights a fire in your soul that you’re missing during hard times. Caiden just wants to see you continue fighting, Ally. But he loves you. Sometimes, that love isn’t always what you want, but it is what you need. Remember that.”
