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There’s a beat of silence, and I wonder if I’ve gone too far.
Then Sebastian exhales, and all the fight seems to go out of him.
He nods. “Yes.”
It’s just one word, but the sound is so broken, I gasp. “Sebastian…”
He meets my eyes in a look of such bottomless guilt and regret, he’s almost unrecognizable. “It was me,” he continues, sounding hollow. “I was driving that night. And it’s haunted me every day of my life since then.”
We stand there, frozen, on either side of the kitchen island. My mind is racing, and my heart?
My heart aches for the dejection in his gaze. Because that’s not the look of a cold-blooded killer. It’s the expression of a lost, guilty man, haunted by his past.
A past he can never repair.
Instinct drives me to close the space between us. I take his hands, staring urgently into his eyes. “Talk to me, Sebastian. You don’t have to hide it anymore. Tell me what happened.”
He takes a ragged breath. I can see the war play out behind his eyes, and I don’t know what makes him decide, but finally, he speaks.
“I was with them that night.” His voice is low. Aching. “I’d just gotten my learner’s permit, and I wanted to drive. Dad said ‘No’. It was dark out, and the roads were wet, but I insisted. I was so sure I could handle everything, but a deer ran out in the road, and I tried to swerve and… I lost control.”
He swallows hard, and I can see the memories in his eyes. “I can still hear Scarlett screaming from the backseat. I tried to brake,” he adds, haunted. “But I couldn’t get the car back under control. And then there were headlights, another vehicle heading straight for us…”
Sebastian pauses, looking down. “It was chaos. I hit my head on the steering wheel, I was pretty disoriented, and when I came around… Dad was already gone. At least, I thought he was.”
I squeeze his hands. “I’m so sorry.”
“The car was on fire,” Sebastian continues. “I didn’t know what to do. Scarlett was unconscious, and bleeding. I smashed a window and dragged her out. And then… I went for help,” he says, looking me in the eye again. “I know nobody believes me, but I went to get help. But… It was too late. I thought my dad was dead, and that other man… I panicked. I didn’t know what to do.”
“So you didn’t go back.” I finish for him, understanding the whole story now. “You pretended like you’d never been there at all.”
Sebastian nods. “They said it was just an accident, and it was. But not the way they thought it happened.”
“But if it was a deer, and you lost control, why didn’t you say something?” I ask, frowning. “Nobody could have blamed you.”
“I was scared. I was still young, and people were dead. I killed them, whether it was an accident or not,” Sebastian repeats, full of anguish and self-loathing. “And then, afterward, all I could think was… What if I could have saved them? My dad, and Bianca’s father? What if I could have done something, anything… But instead, I ran. I was a coward,” he says bitterly. “My mother was devastated, and Richard… He swept in with the lawyers and told me to keep my mouth shut.”
“So he knows?” my eyes widen.
Sebastian nods. “We’ve never said it out loud, but… Yeah. He made the whole thing go away, somehow. Payoffs, I’m guessing. He said that my mother needed me now, that we had to protect everything my father had built. We just needed to move on and put the whole thing behind us.”
Sebastian pauses. “Sometimes, I think it would have been better, if I’d come clean. Even if they’d prosecuted me for manslaughter, or reckless driving, I don’t know… Prison couldn’t have been worse than living with this secret.”
I have no words, so I just keep a hold of his hand and listen.
“You know, I always wondered why Richard protected me,” Sebastian adds, a note of bitterness in his voice. “Maybe it’s to keep his power over me. He could try to destroy me with this, any time he likes.”
“Maybe he’s worried he’d be implicated because of the bribes,” I offer. “Or maybe he really does want to spare your family any more grief.”
Sebastian gives a nod. Then he seems to realize I’m still holding him.
He pulls away. “It doesn’t matter,” he says abruptly. “Now you know the truth. You know what I’m capable of, the damage I’ve caused in my life. You’re better off without me.”
My heart breaks for him.
He’s been so alone in this. Weighed down by his grief, and the guilt that he could have done more to stop it.
I know how that kind of guilt can eat away at you. Haven’t I felt it myself, deep down, wondering if I could have kept Miles from taking his own life?
