AllFreeNovel
Share Us
Rolling onto my back, I let my hand travel from my chest to my stomach, where I let it rest against my lower belly. I try to imagine myself full with a child, though the idea still terrifies me because what kind of person would bring a child into this life? And what the hell kind of mother would I make?
Yet, I can picture it. God help me.
I can picture James carrying his child around with a proud look in his eye and bragging about every shitty diaper and wet burp. I can picture Ari cautiously handling the baby and teaching them terrifying things as they got older. I can picture Phoenix reading to the child every night, and I can even see Kane imparting his dark wisdom.
And I can see myself giving that child everything that I was denied.
They would have one mother who would die for them and four fathers who would burn the world down if anyone so much as looked at them wrong.
It doesn’t take long to realize my decision is absolutely made. There’s no more tiptoeing around it. I want to give myself over completely, even if they can’t give me the love I crave.
I want James to fuck me deep and spill inside me and hold his come inside my womb until it takes root. I want him to chase me like a beast through the compound woods, pinning me to the mossy floor and forcing me to take it until I was thick with his seed.
And after the first one, I want him to do it again.
I want to fill these halls with more than just revenge and murder.
“Don’t you dare fucking die on me,” I whisper into the dark of Ari’s room. “Don’t you fucking dare let him die,” I add.
I hear nothing, but I know Phoenix understands. He’s stoic, but he’s fragile inside, and I know Kane is his entire world as much as any of them are. Maybe even me…by now. And I’m unused to this feeling because even with my mother having cared for me, I’m not sure I’ve ever known real, actual love.
And I realize that I will fight and claw my fingers bloody and bite until my gums bleed to keep what I’ve been given.
Not being trapped.
No.
Being given a gift.
* * *
I don’t meanto sleep, but with all the chaotic emotions going through me with Kane being missing and knowing that my fate with these men is sealed, I crash the moment I sink into Ari’s pillow and find myself surrounded by the scents of the men I have no business wanting.
I don’t wake up sated the way I have recently. Even when I was alone in Phoenix’s bed the morning after my first time, I was content. I was hurt, and maybe a little afraid that he was rejecting me, but it didn’t stop the feeling of rightness under my skin.
But now, all I feel is that missing piece of this home. Kane’s absence is like a gaping canyon, and not knowing if he’s going to be okay is killing me. Throwing my legs over the side of the bed, I start to order my hair when I realize that only Phoenix is home, and he can’t actually see what a mess I am. And even if he could, I doubt he’d care.
I’m allowed to be myself here in ways I never have been.
I think about the life I left behind and how it doesn’t seem like anyone’s really searching for me. Not that they’ve let me have any connections to the outside world, but my fath—Guido—hasn’t sent anyone to come looking for me, and I doubt the few friends I’ve made at the university care.
Or if they do, it’s because they were on my father’s payroll, and now that I’m gone, they’re losing their spending money.
Oh well, whatever. Fuck them.
I don’t feel a particularly keen loss over them anyway. Life back then—living in a fucking fishbowl with my father’s men following me around, sneaking out of my dorm like a goddamn criminal—it feels like a dream. It feels like some fevered fantasy, and now I’m awake.
Stretching my arms above my head, I feel a shiver from the cold seeping in through the window, and I spy a sweater lying across the foot of the bed. It’s brown and impossibly soft, which means it’s not Ari’s, and when I lift it to my nose, I catch Phoenix’s scent. I feel a rush of comfort as I slip it over my head, and when I hop off the mattress, something drops to the floor.
Hitting the floor with my knees, I grope around in the dark until my hand comes into contact with something hard—a hardback book. Ari doesn’t seem like the reading type, so I pull it close, and my heart leaps into my throat.
I recognize the cover because it’s one I’ve seen more times than I can count in the last few years. It’s my book—my mysterious birthday gift. I can’t wrap my mind around the fact that Ari has a copy, and that’s immediately dashed when I open it to the back and find my rose sitting between the last few pages.
He must have stolen it from me from my box of things. I feel like I should be furious, but tracing my fingers over the dried, soft petals, I just feel relief that it isn’t lost. I clutch it to my chest as I stand up, then resolve to be in better control of my emotions. Not just for Kane and the boys but also for myself. I need to find the composure I keep telling myself I have.
Glancing around, I make sure everything’s exactly how Phoenix had left it, then make my way down the stairs with the book in my arms. I catch a whiff of something cooking—rich and spiced, and a little like the sea. I follow the trail as my stomach growls, and I find myself in the kitchen doorway.
“Princess.”
