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“When I walked in, my mom had started a fire in the wood burning stove and had started boiling a pot of water for one of my favorite meals, but she wasn’t in the kitchen or the living room. I went to her bedroom, opened the door, and saw that she was asleep on her bed. I decided to let her sleep until I finished making dinner for us. When she still hadn’t come out of her room, I went back to wake her up, only…”
The weight of what I have to say next seems to sit on my chest, threatening to crush my ribs and suffocate me. The emotion is thick and heavy, clawing its way up my throat, making it impossible for me to speak.
Sinn’s hand starts to rub up and down my arm in a slow, steady, comforting motion, letting me know that he’s here with me in this moment. He’s here for me. That small gesture gives me more strength to keep going.
“Only, she wasn’t just sleeping. She was dead,” I manage to whisper against his chest.
Sinn is silent but his hand is still steadily rubbing my arm, never hesitating or skipping a beat. I suppose discussing death with the Angel of Death is just another day in his life. He’s experienced in this, and he’s patient, giving me time to continue without interrupting or pressuring me.
“I didn’t really…react, when I found her. I always knew it was a possibility that I’d find her that way one day. I know I should have been sad or shocked or hysterical, but all I felt was emptiness. I know I should have done something but…I just stood there. Staring at her. And all I could think about was the fact that she left me, too. That everyone who was supposed to love me, left me. They all made other choices, selfish choices, and didn’t give a fuck about me. No one has ever put me first. No one has ever saved me, Sinn.”
I push up on my hand so I’m sitting up and looking down at him. I need to look into his eyes. “But you have. You’ve saved me over and over and over again. You may not give me everything I want, but you’ve given me more than anyone else ever has, and for that, I’ll always be grateful.”
His hand comes up to cup my face, his thumb wiping away a single tear that slides slowly down my cheek.
“There’s more bothering you. Tell me,” he repeats, urging me to reveal the deepest, darkest parts of me.
I swallow down the rest of my emotion and meet his tender gaze. “She died that night because of me. She clearly didn’tplanon killing herself. The fire was going and dinner had been started, but I was late. Had I been on time, had I been there, I know that night would have ended differently. And maybe she would have overdosed in the future but maybe she wouldn’t have. If I had just been home, if I had just been there with her instead of always being gone, then maybe…” my chin wobbles as I try to rein in my emotions.
“Wendee.” His voice is firm and he grabs my chin in his hand. “Look at me.”
I do, trying to blink away the tears blurring my vision of his handsome face and failing. The tears unleash like a flood and a sob echoes my internal pain. Sinn is moving, he twists his body so I’m on my back and he’s leaning over me.
His lips fall onto my cheek. “Your mom made a decision that night.” He kisses my other cheek. “Nothing you could have done would have changed that.” He kisses my forehead. “I’m the Angel of Death, Wendee. I know things about death and the souls that fall into its grasp.” His lips gently brush against mine. I can taste the salt of my tears on his lips. “It was not your fault or anything you could have prevented.” He pulls back and looks at me, his eyes holding mine, demanding that I see him. He’s like gravity and I have no choice but to concede to him. To those stormy eyes that have saved me again and again. “I need you to trust me on this. Do you trust me?”
His words, no, not just his words, but theconvictionin his words, releases something inside of me. Something I didn’t even realize was rooted so deeply in my core being.
Guilt.
I swear I feel a gust of air blow through the room as the guilt leaves my body. It wasn’t my fault. IT WASN’T MY FAULT. I feel lighter than I’ve ever felt and a realization rushes through me.
“That was my unfinished business,” I whisper.
Sinn nods. His hand is still on my face, caressing my cheek, and I see the sadness in his eyes. This is it. This was the last piece keeping me here, in Purgatory. I’m ready to move on now, officially. And even though I’ve released the guilt that has controlled my entire life, there’s no way to go back and change the past. I’m still a suicide. There’s still only a one-way ticket to Hell with my name on it. There’s nothing Sinn or I can do to change my fate.
“I would never leave you, Wendee. Just know, if I had the choice, I would never choose to leave you. Not for anything.”
I’m flooded with so much emotion, the emotion from finally understanding myself better and everything I’m feeling and seeing from Sinn. Even though he hasn’t given me every single piece of himself, he loves me. I can see it in his eyes. I can feel it in his touch. I can hear it in his words. He loves me and I love him. I’ve loved him since the night he saved me in the real world. And I’ve fallen more and more in love with him every single day, when just the thought of him saved me again and again.
Another choked sob escapes me as Sinn continues to wipe my tears away and tells me everything I need to hear with his actions and his beautiful blue eyes that see me like I’ve never been seen
before. And now, I know what my decision is going to be.
“Sinn?”
“Yes, Wendee?”
“Can you hold me?”
I see his throat bob on a hard swallow, and I wonder if he knows what I’m thinking? I wonder if he knows how much I’m in fucking love with him? I wonder if he knows I’ve made my decision?
He nods and lays down behind me, pulling me into his chest, his strong arms enveloping me and holding on tightly.
“I’ll hold you until I can’t hold you anymore.”
Dee
Feel The Same by Candlelight Red
