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I don’t answer, assuming it’s a rhetorical question.
“Because the only person more in love with that guy thanyouis Leo. So, what are you doing, Lyla? Why are you here while he’s there?”
“It’s complicated.”
“I know it is, and I’m not trying to belittle that. But I wouldn’t be much of a friend if I didn’t ask.”
I look away at one of the happy bunnies. “I don’t know if it’s best for Leo.”
“We’re all figuring out the parenting thing as we go, sweetie.”
“I don’t know if Nick…I don’t know…” I can’t even put it into words, but June figures out what I’m trying to say.
“I think you should tell him you love him and want to be with him and go from there.”
“What if it doesn’t work out?” I whisper.
“What if it does?” she counters. “What if saying something means you’re not stuck wonderingwhat if?”
I exhale. “I don’t know. I’ll think about it.”
All I’ve done for the past three weeks is think about it, and June calls me out on it. “Be open.”
“Iamopen.”
“No, you’re open about being closed off. There’s a difference.”
I stay silent, conceding she has a point. My social circle is basically just June at this point. I haven’t gone on a single date since being back in Philadelphia. I haven’t spoken to any of my “work friends” since starting at the new firm. I’ve always been guarded and quiet, and the effort I’m making each day is already exhausting.
“I’ll watch Leo,” June says softly.
My eyes fly from the rabbit to her. “You mean, gonow?”
She shrugs. “Why not? You don’t have work tomorrow.”
“I…”
I try to come up with a reason for why I can’t pick up and fly to Russia tonight. There are lots of reasons. But not a single one that’s actually standing in my way. I have the money. Nick had passports made for both me and Leo that I was handed when we landed a month ago. I’m not due back at work until Monday, and I could take a sick day if I had to. I trust June to care for Leo.
“I’m scared. I’msoscared, June. He’s…he’s always beenthat guyfor me. Even if I hadn’t gotten pregnant with Leo and had never seen him again after college, I know I would still wonder about him. And Ilikehaving the possibilities even if they’re really what-ifs. If I try and it doesn’t work out, I’ll have nothing.”
She hugs me. It eases some of the anxiety locking up my muscles. So does the shuddering sigh I exhale, resting my chin on her shoulder.
“I saw the way he looked at you, Lyla. I wouldn’t be pushing you unless I thought you were headed toward a happy ending. Life is unpredictable and short. It doesn’t always have to be planned out and responsible. If you want to see him, you should go see him. Simple as that.”
Uncertainty spirals and tangles in my stomach, spiked with excitement. Because I’m realizing I will do this. That I will go see Nick, and I’m not sure how to process it. It feels like I’ve spent years wondering how he feels about me, that I’ve drawn the uncertainty out so far that it’s become this behemoth of an unknown. Partly because I never thought I’d ask for an answer.
“I need to pack Leo some things.”
June smiles. “He and AJ are the same size. I have plenty of spare toothbrushes. Just go before you talk yourself out of it.”
I roll my eyes. She knows me too well.
“Fine. Let me talk to Leo.”
I head inside, finding him and AJ playing a card game in the living room.
“Hi, boys.”
