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The love we had produced a beautiful creature.
A foreign feeling fills my chest. A love so unbelievably pure.
Creed’sArms Wide Openblasts through the headphones and the lyrics reach inside me, twisting all the emotions from my soul like a wet dish rag.
Tears burn behind my eyelids, and I push them away until the swell of emotion is too much to contain and it overflows. I stop and bend over on the side of the road, heaving for breath, tears streaming down to the pavement. I lower myself to the curb, my heavy head falling into my hands, and I cry.
I cry for what could have been.
I cry for all the memories I’ve missed.
I cry for the impending pain on the horizon.
Mostly though, I cry tears of joy.
Because I have a daughter.
When I was with Lilah I had hoped we’d marry and have a family, but with her constant drug abuse and the emotional turmoil from our past haunting her, it seemed like an unrealistic hope. Adelaide is firm on not wanting children, so I figured fatherhood would never happen. Monica is the gift I never thought I’d receive in this lifetime and I’ll do everything in my power to love and protect her.
Chapter Fifty
LILAH
Later that night, long after I finish my nightly ritual of putting Monica to bed, preparing her lunch for tomorrow, tiding up around the house, and double-checking that the locks are secure, I lie in my bed, staring at the ceiling.
It's no surprise sleep won’t come. What can I possibly have a nightmare about? Mine just came alive like some twisted Hollywood movie.
I haven’t had the itchy feeling on my skin in years. The one that used to cause me to turn to anything to numb myself. But the minute Jimmy landed on my doorstep, it returned. Which means I’m going to have to work harder on my sobriety than I have in a long time.
Tomorrow morning, I’ll figure a good time to attend a meeting and see if Eileen can watch Monica.
I roll over, the covers cinched in my tight fists.
I could put Monica in the car. We could drive through the night and be in a whole new city with two new identities by morning. Jimmy might have found me now, but I was stupid not to change my name.
The thought of avoiding Jimmy is nice. To not have to risk him taking her away from me. But as I’m about to roll out of bed and pack our suitcases, Jimmy’s face flashes in my head. Him sitting in the diner’s booth, waiting for me. And when he finds out I’ve fled, the despair that will land on his features is enough to keep me under the covers. At least for tonight it is.
All these years. Why now? Why would he search me out?
The forced smile I put on display all night didn’t hide my panic from my sweet baby girl. Numerous times, she cuddled up to me, asking if I was okay. With her curious nature, she has the ability to be hurt the most by this situation, and I need to triple-check that she remains the sweet, caring girl who thinks life is a beautiful playground.
I swipe the tears from my eyes.
There’s no doubt shewillfind out Jimmy is her father, and I wish I had a magic ball that told me how she’ll react. Jimmy isn’t a guy who'll throw us some money and jet back to his celebrity life. He’ll want to be a part of her life—amajorpart of her life. He has the power and the money to make sure she’s in his life more than mine. A new town and a new start is sounding better the longer my eyes stay wide open.
* * *
It’sfunny how people don’t change when they’re not around you. I step into the diner and glance to the back, finding Jimmy in the farthest booth with his back to the door. Never one who wants to be recognized.
“Hey, Lilah! How’s Monica?” Misty asks as I walk toward Jimmy.
I give her a wane smile. “She’s doing good. Excited for story time on Saturday.”
“It’s Dr. Seuss day. I’ve been practicing my voices.” She slides a cup of coffee to a customer at the counter.
“She’ll be excited.” I smile and murmur hellos, hoping no one makes a huge deal out of me meeting a guy who is clearly not from around here in the back of the Farmhouse Diner.
Every step depletes my energy as if my feet are stuck in cinder blocks.
