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His hands rest on his hips as he shakes his head. “I’ve seen him a few times since then and he’s never mentioned anything.”
“I made him promise not to. You guys aren’t really friends. At least not close friends. I think he understood me since we share the same problem. Anyway, those next few months were a blur. I barely left the house except to get food and go to meetings. Sometimes two or three a day. Anything to fill my time so I wouldn’t use or take a drink. I spent hours and hours in bed, crying over the things I had done. By the time I came out of my haze, I realized I couldn’t remember when I'd had my period last.” I pull my legs up to my chest and wrap my arms around them, resting my chin on my knees.
He sits on the arm chair as though standing takes too much energy. His hands are clasped between his legs and he stares at me, waiting for more answers.
“I thought there was no chance, but I took a test. I sat on the bathroom floor shaking as I stared at those two pink lines.” I pause, but there’s no sympathy for me in Jimmy’s eyes. Not that I should expect any. But as terrified as I was on that bathroom floor, doubting my ability to be a mother, I’m more terrified now that Jimmy could strip motherhood away from me.
“That’s the part when you should’ve called me.”
I sigh. “Yeah, I should have. I was already four months along by the time I found out. Too far to have an abortion—not that I would have anyway. I kept telling myself that once I got used to the idea, I’d call you and tell you. Days passed, then weeks. Then she started moving inside me, and this love sprung for the little being I was growing. The way you looked at me that night… the hatred in your eyes.” I shake my head and clutch my stomach as though Monica is still in there. “I was petrified you’d take her from me.”
Wetness burns my eyes and one tear escapes, rolling down my cheek before another one tumbles after it.
“I changed my phone number, started off in Texas before landing in Kansas. The further along in my pregnancy I got, the more I knew she was my meaning to life. She was my turnaround point. My start over. I’d do everything in my power to give her the life she deserved.”
“Why would you ever think I’d take her from you?” Jimmy growls.
I wipe the tears from my cheeks and suck in a deep breath, willing myself to say the words. “I think you’re forgetting how much you hated me the last time we saw one another. I was the used-up junkie you'd taken care of your entire life. If you found out I was pregnant, you would have never trusted me with her. You had the money, the great lawyers. Your big break happened,The Regulator, and there you were, Hollywood’s golden boy. I had nothing. I had a bit of money saved from modeling, but I didn’t have the kind of cash at my disposal that you did, and I certainly didn’t have the clout or backstory working in my favor.”
I stop, all of it sounding like excuses now. “I figured that if I had the baby and waited a few months, I could show you I could handle things on my own. Build the trust I broke so many times. But then one month went by, then another and another, and the fear of you taking her away became more and more real and I couldn’t risk that I’d never see my daughter again because… I knew I wouldn’t survive if that happened.”
A sob rips up my throat and I bury my face in my knees. My body shakes as my fear, my betrayal, and the uncertainty of our future comes to a head.
I suck in a breath, wipe my tears, and gather another ounce of courage I didn’t think I had. I look at Jimmy—the man who was my everything, the man I’ve kept everything from for six years. He looks at me with clenched fists and an anguished expression.
“Were you ever planning to tell me?”
The salt from my tears burns my cheeks. I nod slowly. “I only ever wanted what was best for her. That sounds backward, I know, since I didn’t tell you about her. I was going to reach out a little over a year ago because… it’s become clear to me that she needs a dad in her life.”
“And why didn’t you? You were obviously sober and able to make this home for her. What’s your excuse this time?”
“You started dating Adelaide.”
His eyes close. He opens his mouth, but I hold up my hand to stop him.
“I know that’s not an excuse either, but I’d see you on the tabloids or on television, smiling with her and I thought…” I shake my head.
“What?”
“That I’d be ruining your life all over again.” I refrain from mentioning the hurt I felt when I saw them together because that’s not on him, it’s on me.
He stares at me, unspeaking, and I shrink into myself. But I have to reap what I’ve sown, so eventually I meet his gaze.
“I truly am sorry for the years I stole from you. There wasn’t a day that went by that I didn’t question my decision, but every time I’d think of telling you, the fear that you’d take her from me was paralyzing and I’d tell myself I was doing the right thing. She's all I have.” I pull my eyes from him. So much for being courageous.
When the couch dips beside me, I turn my head to look at him.
“I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to really forgive you for keeping her from me. I’d like to think that if you'd told me about her back when you were pregnant, I wouldn’t have tried to take her from you, but the truth is that I don’t know what I would have done. What you did… it ripped me in two. I was so angry and hurt. Maybe I would’ve lashed out at you and felt you weren’t stable enough to raise a child. I’d like to think I could’ve put our differences aside and seen things objectively, but who’s to say. Not trying to cast stones, but six years ago, I would have doubted you could make this life for you and our daughter.” His head falls into his hands.
“Are you going to try to take her from me?” I whisper, and my breath dies in my throat.
His lips press into a thin line. “I don’t want to do anything to hurt her. No. She obviously adores you and you’ve built a good life for yourselves here. But I am going to be in her life, there’s no question about that.”
Relief swells through me. I wrap my arms around his neck and hug him. “Thank you.”
His scent envelops me and I die a little, remembering this feeling of safety and security that I’ve gone without all these years.
He doesn’t return my hug, so I pull away, heat flushing my cheeks. “I’m sorry. I’m just so relieved.”
