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“I’m not saying forever, just while the press is like a bunch of hungry sharks. After, you can come back here, though you might have to think about moving. There’s nothing to stop the press from camping out at the bottom of your driveway. You need a gated community or something.”
“There are no gated communities here.” She tips her chin down and massages her temples with her fingers. “I can’t think about this right now. One thing at a time. Let’s figure out what we’re going to say to Monica tomorrow night.”
I know she doesn’t want to have this conversation, but it needs to be had. But I guess she’s right that it doesn’t need to be discussed right now, so I let it go.
“How do you think we should handle it?” I ask.
She inhales deeply and turns her head to look at me. “I think we tell her a version of the truth. When she’s older, we can get more into specifics, but for now, I think we just tell her that you’re her daddy and that we used to know each other a long time ago and that I wasn’t able to get ahold of you, but as soon as you could, you came to find us. She should know it wasn’t your fault that you weren’t in her life before.”
Relief floods through me. I was afraid that whatever Lilah wanted to tell her wouldn’t make it clear that if Icouldhave been a part of her life, I would’ve been. I don’t ever want Monica to think I want didn’t her.
“Yeah, that sounds good.” Tears build in Lilah’s eyes, and I frown. “What is it? Do you think we shouldn’t tell her? Is it too soon?”
“No, it’s not that.” She shakes her head. “It’s just that someday, I’m going to have to admit to her that I kept her away from you. She’ll hate me.” A tear slips down her cheek, and she wipes it away.
“Hey, hey.” I take her hand and give it a squeeze. “That’s not going to happen for a long time, and by then, she’ll have had two parents successfully co-parent for years. She’ll know that we both love her, okay? Yes, she’ll probably be upset, but she won’t hate you. I’m sure of it.”
I’m not sure of it. Not really. But I do believe that however we frame it is what’s important. And if Monica sees that I was able to forgive her mother, that will go a long way to her forgiving Lilah too.
Sitting here and comforting her for something she did to me that I was so angry about feels odd, but I do believe that she thought it was what was best in the beginning. After that, I think she allowed fear to rule her decisions. And truth be told, I can’t say that she isn’t correct in thinking I would’ve tried to take Monica away.
“I hope you’re right. It’s just so hard to think of her hearing about that and my addiction issues, because the press will be sure to bring all that up once they realize I’m her mother. Right now, she sees me as Mommy, and the way she looks at me just fills up my heart. I don’t want her to see me as the flawed person I really am.”
“Monica loves you. That won’t change. If anything, you’ll be able to educate her from your own perspective on the importance of dealing with your problems and not letting them fester, explain to her why you have to be compassionate toward people who suffer from the disease of addiction, and show her what a strong person her mom is for overcoming so many obstacles.”
She sniffs and nods. I’m not really sure I got through to her, but she pulls her hand from mine and wipes her face. “Don’t mind me. I’m sure there’ll be more tears down the line. This is just hard. I’m happy you’re in her life now, I really am. I’m just not happy with everything that comes along with you.”
I chuckle. “I get it. Trust me. If I could make it so no one in the world cared about who she is to me, I would. But that’s not reality and so we just have to come up with the best plan we can to deal with it.”
She presses her lips together and nods. “Well, I’m going to head to bed. It’s been a long day and I’m sure tomorrow will be no different. Can you lock the front door after you come in?”
“Sure thing. I’m not going to stay up much longer though. See you in the morning.”
She nods a little sheepishly and turns and disappears into the house.
I spend another hour on the porch, running over everything in my head, before I text Adelaide good night and make my way inside. It takes a while for me to get to sleep, because though I’m pretty comfortable in this house by now, it feels weird to be sleeping here as though I belong. That and my mind is racing, wondering how Monica will react when she learns the truth.
Chapter Sixty-one
JIMMY
Ispend Saturday playing in the house and the backyard with Monica while Lilah is at work. We have a fun day together, though I’m a little on edge knowing what’s coming this evening.
It’s clear Lilah feels the same when she arrives home from work. All through dinner, she’s nervous and jumpy. I think we’re best to spit it out and deal with the aftermath, so as soon as we’re done eating, and before dessert, I nod at her in the direction of the living room.
She gives me a small nod, obviously in agreement. “Kiddo, why don’t we all head into the living room? Jimmy and I have something we want to talk to you about.”
My daughter’s lips turn down. “But I want my ice cream.”
“You’ll get your ice cream after. There’s just something important that we have to tell you.”
“Fine.” She slips off her chair and stomps off to the living room with her arms crossed.
Great. What a way to start.
Lilah and I follow. Lilah sits beside Monica on the couch and pulls her into her lap. I decide to take the chair off to the side, thinking Monica might want some space after she hears the news.
“Do you remember when I told you that I used to know Jimmy a long time ago?”
