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Derek’s glazed eyes soak me in. “C’mon, let’s have a little fun. I love fucking when I’m high.” His gnarled teeth peek out with his smile.
I lift my hips so he can slide my leggings and underwear down my legs.
“Condom,” I rasp, my eyes closing as another wave of oblivion crashes over me.
“You got nothing to worry about,” he says, unbuckling his jeans.
I manage to get my arm out to place a hand on his chest. “Condom.”
He glares at me with narrowed eyes for a moment before standing and almost cracking his head on the television. He walks a few steps to the bedroom door, and my eyes close again.
Jimmy and I aren’t a thing anymore, but it’s still the one promise, probably the only one, I won’t break.
I must have passed out, because the next thing I know, he’s pushing inside me. Panic flares inside me for a moment but retreats when I feel a condom between us.
I’m in the same position on the couch as I was before, my legs spread wide, my ass at the edge of the cushion. I look at Derek as he moves in and out of me, and I close my eyes, waiting for it to be over. I lay there, limp and numb, while he uses me for his pleasure. He squeezes my breast so hard I cringe.
I let him use me. My body is all I’m good for anyway. All I’ve ever been good for.
He finishes with a disgusting groan and one final thrust. Derek stands, pulls the condom off himself, and chucks it in the garbage.
My eyes drift closed again, trying to find the place where nothing matters, where my loneliness lives.
“I’ve gotta do a pick-up. Be back later.”
Derek’s voice stirs me, and I open my eyes. He’s dressed again, standing by the apartment door with his hand around the handle. I’m still on the couch with my legs spread, bare from the waist down.
“Do what you gotta do,” I say.
He leaves, and I lay there for another minute, coming down from my high. Eventually I sit up and pull on my leggings, not bothering with my underwear. I spot my phone between the couch cushions and check the time.
The red-carpet event for the Oscars already started. I reach for the channel changer and click on the TV. It’s seen better days, but it works, and I flick through the channels.
I grab the bottle of vodka that’s still on the table and nestle into the corner of the couch. Ten minutes go by as the usual celebrity A-listers and their dates stop to talk to the interviewers about what they’re wearing and how they’re here to support blah-blah-blah.
I chuckle when an actor everyone adores steps out of his limo, because I know for a fact we shared a dealer at one point.
The bottle tips to my lips when I spothimin the background. The air rushes from my lungs. My heart shrivels. My eyes sting.
Jimmy looks so good. Healthy and happy. A part of me is glad he’s doing so well, and another part of me rages over the fact that he can so easily move on without me, while I sink further and further into a black hole.
I am nothing.
I am no longer anything to anybody.
He was all I had left, and now he’s got the girl of his dreams.
I chug gulps of vodka as the realization hits me. My stomach churns at the invasion of alcohol, but I ignore the choking reflex, my gaze transfixed over the shoulder of the woman being interviewed. My grip on the neck of the bottle tightens while I watch Jimmy lead Adelaide along the red carpet, his hand on her lower back.
I stalk the area, begging cameramen who can’t hear me to turn one way or another, watching for a glimpse of Adelaide’s red dress in the background of every interview.
Eventually, the happy couple walks past the man interviewing everyone and stops for their turn. She smiles at Jimmy as though she’s had him. Of course she has. They’re a couple. He’s waking her up with kisses to her shoulder blades. Making her eggs. She’s the deserving one.
I hold my breath and tears prick the corners of my eyes.
“Everybody, I’m excited to get to talk to James Crawford and Adelaide Sheridan, the costars ofThe Regulator, which is set to release next year. How are you both?” the host asks.
“Good,” Jimmy says with the most charming of smiles. “A little overwhelmed.” He glances behind them at the throng of people and chuckles. “But excited to be here.”
