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I nod again.
She looks over her shoulder at Jimmy. “James, can you please grab Lilah here a cup of water with some ice and a straw? You can ask one of the nurses at the station for help.”
How long have I been here that she’s talking to Jimmy like she knows him?
“Sure thing.”
I’ve been watching him, and he’s had his gaze on her the entire time, as if he can’t look at me. But why would he be here if it pains him to look at me?
Julie finishes whatever it is she’s doing and smiles at me. “You take it easy. James will be back with your water soon. Small sips when you get it. I know you probably want to guzzle it, but that’ll only make it come back up. You haven’t had anything solid in your stomach for a while now, so baby sips.”
I nod because it’s too painful to talk.
She smiles, squeezes my shoulder, and leaves the room.
A couple minutes later, Jimmy returns and sits beside me. I try to sit up so I can better hold the water, but it’s too exhausting, so I lean back against the pillow with my eyes closed.
“Here, let me.”
I open my eyes and see him holding out the cup, pointing the straw at my lips. I move a little forward, wrap my lips around the straw, and sip slowly. The cold liquid coats my tongue and cools the fire in my throat. Julie was right—I find myself desperate to finish the whole thing, but I do as she says, not wanting to experience what would surely be the painful process of bringing it back up.
After a few minutes and enough to relieve the worst of the sting in my throat, I lean back against my pillow.
Jimmy’s gaze meets mine, and there’s desperation in his eyes that I haven’t seen since that fateful night.
“What am I doing here?” I ask in scratchy, low voice.
His breathing stutters as he sucks in a big breath. “You don’t remember anything?”
I shake my head, afraid of what he’ll say.
“Derek found you at his place. You overdosed on heroin.”
His words shock me. I try, through the dull ache in my head, to pull up the last thing I did. Jimmy must realize I need a minute because he sits silently at my bedside, letting his words soak in.
I recall being at Derek’s, though I’m not sure if what I’m remembering is the last time I was there. The days and weeks have been a blur. A memory of him leaving forms in my mind, almost like walking through the fog and seeing something ahead but being not quite able to make it out.
Then what?
A TV. Something about a TV. Was I watching TV?
A beautiful red gown comes to mind and I know it’s Adelaide’s. I pick at that memory, trying to pull up the corners so I can see what’s underneath the picture of that dress. A minute goes by until the image is vivid in my mind, but finally I see Adelaide in that dress, standing beside Jimmy.
They’re on a red carpet. The Oscars! It’s the Oscars and I was watching it on TV… the wordJimmyechoes through my mind, but it’s not my voice saying it. It’s Adelaide.
And then it flashes in my head. She called him Jimmy. She called him Jimmy as though he was hers to do so, and then I…
I tense, and Jimmy squeezes my hand. I glance at him, and all the raw pain I felt rushes forward.
Jimmy clutches my hand in both of his and leans forward, holding mine to his lips. “Did you do it on purpose?”
I open my mouth to deny his unspoken accusation but shut it. “I don’t know.”
He cringes and tips his head down so our hands press to his forehead.
“I just wanted the pain to go away.”
His shoulders shudder and a sharp sob escapes.
