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The light thump of the bathroom door hitting the door stop draws their attention, and they turn in my direction. The woman splashes on a big, positive smile, giving the “we’re all in this together” impression, while Jimmy can’t stop fidgeting in the chair. A trickle of cold sweat travels down my spine. The time has come to deal with my shit.
“Lilah, this is Ruth.” Jimmy motions to the woman.
She steps forward with her hand outstretched. “It’s good to meet you, Lilah. I’m going to be accompanying you to Desert Vista in Utah.”
Why do they always try to make rehab joints sound like country clubs? There’s no spa with daily massages. Not even a tennis court.
I shake her hand. “Hi.”
“We need to leave soon in order to catch our flight. Do you have everything you need?”
“I don’t know. Any chance you have some weed or opioids in your purse?” I say, trying to lighten the weight in the air, but it falls flat.
Jimmy cringes, though I can tell he’s trying not to, and Ruth’s lips tip down at the corners.
I’ve already disappointed both of them.
I peer down at my shoes. “I was just kidding.”
“It’s okay. I know you’re nervous and scared. That’s completely normal, and everyone deals with it in their own way.” Ruth’s voice is soft and nurturing. I think she must have kids, because a woman who has a voice that calming should definitely have kids they tuck in at night.
“Ruth, do you mind giving us a minute to say goodbye before you guys leave?” Jimmy asks.
“Sure, I’ll wait out in the hall. But don’t take too long.”
He nods and waits until she closes the door before he eats up the space between us. “I’m so proud of you.” He puts his hands on my shoulders.
His touch feels so good, so comforting, that my eyes drift closed, and I nod. We haven’t discussed what led to our falling out, the things he said to me or my behavior. There’s been a silent understanding that we’ll deal with the issues between us after I’ve dealt with my own. I’m just thankful for his support. I have a clearer head than I have in years, but I fear the urge to numb myself will forever be the beast clawing at my back.
“I know you can do this,” he continues. “I know you can. You just need to believe that yourself, okay?”
I open my eyes, and unshed tears burn at the corners. “I’m scared.” Terrified really, but I don’t need to put more weight on Jimmy’s shoulders.
His hands slide down my arms, and he grips my hands. “I know. And that’s okay. That means you’re ready to get clean.”
I nod. “What if it doesn’t work? What if I’m too broken to fix? What if the pieces don’t fit back together?”
Full-on tears run down my face as I voice my biggest fear.
He pulls me into a hug and lets his warm arms do the convincing that he believes I’m strong enough and that I will be put back together. His grip around me is like a vise, and I sense that my leaving might be hard for him too. At least I can hope.
There’s a knock on the door and Ruth peeks her head in. “We have to go, Lilah.”
Jimmy pulls away, and emptiness rises inside me. “You got this, Lilah. I believe in you.”
“Will I be able to talk to you?”
His chocolate eyes soften. “I’ll be there whenever I’m allowed. But I don’t think that will be for a while.”
“Okay. You promise you’ll be there?” I hold out my pinkie finger.
He glances at my hand with a melancholy expression, but he doesn’t hesitate to link his pinkie finger with mine. “I promise.” He leans forward and kisses my forehead.
A soft knock sounds on the door again, and Ruth pushes it open slowly. “I’m sorry, but we’ve got to get going if we’re going to catch our flight.”
“That’s okay. She’s ready,” Jimmy says.
I’m glad he believes in me, because right now, ready is the last thing I am.
