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I don't know what the fuck I'm thinking anymore or what I'm supposed to do now. I only know I already want her again, and I’ll want her after that, too. It's never going to stop, no matter what I tell myself. No matter how I try. It's no use. She's in my blood now.
“Nobody can know,” I whisper, lifting her hand from my shoulder and pressing my lips to the back. “Not yet.”
There's mischief in her giggle. “It's sort of sexy, having a secret.”
I only wish I could believe she'd always feel that way.
CHAPTER6
ROSE
“Holy shit! Don't look.” Liz digs her fingers into my arm, practically hanging off me as we walk through the store.
“What?” I whisper, staring straight ahead.
“It's Scott and Hunter.” Her voice is tight with excitement. “They must be home for break.”
They’re the cutest guys in our class, and Liz went back and forth between having crushes on them for years. One day it was Hunter, and the next day, it was Scott. They were just as inseparable as the two of us, and I guess that hasn’t changed.
Now, glancing at them from the corner of my eye, I'm more confused than ever about why she likes them. I mean, they're cute, but they’re children.
They might be the same age as me, but all I see are two little boys looking through racks of T-shirts as we pass by.
“I haven't seen them since graduation,” she whispers, looking over her shoulder. “Stop for a second.”
In the men's section? If it makes her happy. I mean, considering I've slept with her father, I guess it's the least I can do.
I'm amazed she can't see it written all over my face. The guilt and paranoia. I keep expecting the rest of the world to see it. I'm not a virgin anymore. I lost my virginity to the only man I ever wanted. He ruined me for everybody else because nobody could ever live up to him.
In the days since then, we’ve been careful to hide it from Liz. I’ve sneaked into his room every night and am always out before she gets up for work. Otherwise, we share the house like normal people who aren’t fucking like animals.
And that's why, when the guys notice us, I don't feel anything. No excitement, though that’s what Liz so clearly feels. She perks right up when they catch us lingering nearby, tossing her dark hair over one shoulder and popping her hip out to the side. “What, did you forget my number now that we’ve graduated? I thought you both dropped off the face of the planet.”
I have to force a smile as I follow her over to them, but my mind is miles away. If she only knew, but she never can. It's been torture walking around with her today. Nolan is the only thing on my mind, and the only person I would ever talk to about my first time is the one person who can't know about it. I have to hold all of it inside.
I didn't know I was drifting off again until she nudged me. The look on her face tells me I missed something. “Sorry, what did you say?” I ask.
She widens her eyes in that special way that saysBack me up on this or you’re dead to me. “I said, we don't have anything planned tonight.”
Hunter nods, grinning as he looks me up and down in a way I recognize. “We were thinking we could go grab something to eat later on tonight. Catch up and stuff.”
It's the last thing I want to do. It means time spent away from Nolan. Like it's not bad enough I have to stand here and pretend there's nothing on my mind, just like I've had to do all afternoon while we shopped. I get to look forward to a whole night of doing the same thing.
Liz stands angled away from the guys, staring straight at me and wearing that same unmistakable look. I don't want to ruin this for her. I'm already doing enough to hurt our friendship behind her back. Who knows? She could end up dating one of them. This could lead to something that makes her very happy. I can't hold her back.
Even if my heart is nowhere near in it. Not even close. It sinks at the idea of spending hours acting like I care about either of these two and what they've been doing with themselves in the months since we graduated.
“Sure,” I agree with a grin I don’t feel. “That sounds great.”
* * *
“Wait a second.”Nolan’s gaze bounces back and forth between Liz and me while the three of us stand in the living room. He lowers his brow with every passing second as her announcement sinks in. “You're doing what?”
“We're going out to dinner tonight at Luca’s. Me and Rose.”
“That's not the part I was asking about.” He's trying very hard not to look at me, that much is obvious. Does Liz notice his clenched fists? I sure do.
My heart aches for her. It really does. She was so excited the whole way home, chattering nonstop about what to wear. As exhausting as it was, I did my best to match that excitement.
