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Once again, Tilka looked shocked.
“Then he has already changed more than I would have thought possible. He never would have admitted such a thing before.”
I decided not to tell her that he’d kind of had to, to explain the reason he’d kissed me when neither of us had seemed to have expected it.
“Well, it doesn’t even matter,” I said. “Because the next day he basically told me to go away.”
I wandered over to the massive, heart-breakingly comfy-looking bed and hopped up onto it. Damn it. He was right. This mattress was better than the one in Thaleo’s mountain. And instead of being a bed carved into the floor, it was up high on a gigantic slab of stone. A bed fit for a king, that was for sure. Beside the bed was a large heated pool, its steam rising up to stain the darkness. There was no fire – likely because Errok had been gone so long.
Tilka came to sit beside me on the edge of the bed.
“A nightmare would have sent Errok spiralling back into his helpless childhood. And back into the even more helpless moments after his parents’ deaths. He certainly would not have wanted you to see him like that.” She took a strained breath. “My sister... Lerokan and Errok’s mother... She died first. And their father entirely fell apart. He died soon after. The two brothers reacted in different ways. Lerokan reacted by rejecting the Vrika when it called him, because he never wanted to love and then lose everything like his father had. Errok... Errok just grew harder. And he was already not a man anyone could accuse of having soft edges. He leaned more furiously into his power as Gahn. Grew more commanding. As if he could command the world, command fate itself, the way he’d command a simple warrior.” She gave a small laugh. “Clearly, that did not work. His greatest wish was to have a mate, and no matter what he did, he could not seem to make the Vrika come. It came to his younger brother first, the brother who did not even want a mate, but not to him.”
For fuck’s sake. She was going to start making me feel bad for Errok again. And I didn’t want to feel bad for him or to understand him. It was easier to be angry with him. Because that meant I was justified in keeping the distance between us.
“Well, he could have told me all of that,” I huffed. I flopped back on the mattress, closing my eyes. This had been an incredibly long day.
“You think he could have?” Tilka asked. “Really? Errok has certainly begun to change, thanks to you, I am sure. But even so, I doubt he could bare what he perceives as his weaknesses so easily. It would make him feel too vulnerable. He did not even want me to see him have a nightmare, so I can only imagine how he felt knowing you, the one person he wants to please but cannot, had seen him in such a state.”
Neither of us wants to look weak in front of others.
I knew in my bones that she was right.
“If he kept you away from him after that, it was only to protect himself. He has likely been quite frantic, trying to pull himself together enough so that he can feel safe around you once again.”
Goddamnit, I felt like crying. Again. The fact that Errok didn’t feel safe around me hurt. A lot. Especially after he’d vowed so fiercely that I would always be safe with him.
“But he is safe with me!” I didn’t want him to feel weak or exposed. But I did want to see the real, vulnerable part of him again. The honest part. “Why can’t he just talk to me about this stuff instead of barking at me and telling me he doesn’t need me to look after him?”
Tilka looked down at me from where she sat beside me.
“I do not know enough about your people,” she said. “Are such confessions easy for your kind? For your males?”
“Well... No,” I admitted. Hell, it wasn’t even easy for me! Hadn’t I been the one who’d cried on the flight here with Errok all while hoping that he wouldn’t see? Plus, I hadn’t even been able to tell him how he’d hurt me by sending me away. I’d just retreated into anger. Like I always did.
Am I asking more of him than I’m even capable of myself?
Now, that was an uncomfortable question. Especially considering how, in a way, Errok had already given me more than I’d been willing to give back. IknewI was developing feelings for him. And yet, I hadn’t told him that. I’d hidden it behind constant rejections, even as he hammered me with unrequited expressions of his love and devotion. I’d been furious at Errok for not breaking down the protective walls of his pride all while adding layers of bricks to my own.
If I want him to be honest with me, then shouldn’t I have to do the same thing? Isn’t that only fair?
If the sheer terror that ran through me at the prospect of opening up to Errok was anything like what he’d been feeling, I could suddenly understand why he’d pushed me away. Because, right now, all I wanted to do was run.
Tilka interpreted my silence as exhaustion. She bid me a quiet goodnight and stole out of the cave.
And maybe her interpretation had been right.
Because not long after that, among hides that smelled of Errok, I fell asleep.
