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“Nope,” Declan replied. “But I wouldn’t be allowed to tell you if I have.”
Shit. That had been a bad plan. “I was joking.” I nudged him with my arm. “Have you really been?”
“Nope. Are you wondering if I’m lying or not?”
“Dec! Tell me!” I insisted, the nickname automatically falling from my lips. If he thought it strange, he didn’t show it. He just chuckled and ran his hand through his dark-blond hair, which half flopped forward and half just stuck up.
“I’ll answer that question the exact same way every time you ask me all day.”
“Brat.” But really, I liked it. I wanted to believe this day was new for both of us. That we’d both lived in this same area but had never taken the time to do any of these things until we were doing them together. “It really is pretty.” We paused for a duck to walk across the sidewalk in front of us. There were gondolas along the way, but no one out in them. “Have you been to Italy? It’s beautiful. I did some filming there for Never Back Down. I didn’t get to do much in the way of sightseeing, though.”
Which was sad. The thing was, even if I hadn’t been able to while I was working, why didn’t I ever go back?
“Nah, I haven’t done a lot of traveling. The only time I’ve been outside of the United States was when I went to Mexico with the guys. Why haven’t you gone back?”
“Hmm?”
“To Italy. If it’s a place you’d like to see, why haven’t you gone back for a vacation? It’s not like you don’t have the money, Mr. ‘He’s one of the highest-paid action stars of his generation.’”
I chuckled. “God, I’ll never get over things like that being said about me. It’s so fucking weird.”
“That’s what makes you special. That you don’t get used to it; that it hasn’t changed you.”
My chest heated up, and it had nothing to do with the sun beating down on us. “Thank you, and I don’t know. I was just thinking about that. I’ve spent so much time building this life I wanted, and yet I haven’t allowed myself the opportunity to actually enjoy it.”
He hesitated for a moment before asking, “Were you afraid you’d lose it?”
I stopped and looked at him. Declan was squinting slightly, likely because it was so bright. He was so fucking sexy, but even more than that, I couldn’t stop thinking about the fact that he’d asked the perfect question. He’d asked one that was true and my biggest fear. “Yes. I think I believed that if I stopped working, I’d lose it all. Consumers are fickle. One day they love you, the next they’re tired of you and have moved on to someone else. I didn’t give myself a break because if I did, what if they decided they didn’t like me after all? What if that was the beginning of my time being up? I’d wanted to be an actor for so long, I don’t think I know who I am if that’s not the case.”
“Sebastian.”
“What?”
“Sebastian. That’s who you’d be. It wouldn’t change.”
Before I could reply, he started walking again. His answer still vibrated through my chest, though. Again, it was the perfect thing to say.
“But now you’re considering it?” he asked.
“I think so. Yes. Well, I’m not sure.”
We were already coming to the end of the canal. When they’d originally been built in 1905, they’d been longer. But like everything, over time it had changed. The population grew, they needed the space, so some of the beauty got swept aside. But I was thankful we’d at least had this small taste of Italy so close to home.
At the end of the sidewalk, not too far from the water, there was a small park where a few small children played and parents watched. We found a bench and sat down, and I said, “It’s hard sometimes, to want something so much, to fight for it and love it, and while you love it, you still know it’s not what you thought it would be. I’m…lonely. And I know part of that is my fault. People maintain friendships and relationships in the industry just fine. I can’t say why it’s a struggle for me.”
“In your defense, you’re young, and you’re gay, which makes it harder. And though you’ve only had one long-term relationship, that’s still one more than me.”
“I know, but that doesn’t change the loneliness, or the fact that I’m a millionaire and the only vacations I take are home to Idaho. I’m a workaholic with a need to be accepted and relevant, and I’m so afraid that if I don’t give people more, more, more, they won’t want me at all.” I took a deep breath. “Jesus Christ. I’m a fucking mess. If I were you, I’d run.”
