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I didn’t understand how this had happened to my life. How my dreams had come true, and until now, when I’d come back to LA, I’d always been surrounded by people, yet none of them were someone I’d actually talked to. None of them were people I could share my stupid, ridiculous crush on Declan with. I would have with Drake if he hadn’t fucked my boyfriend, so there was that.
I picked up one of the pillows, pulled it to my face, and inhaled to see if it smelled like Declan. Ugh. What was wrong with me? It was like I was a teenager with my first real crush. Not like the ones you had on someone who would never be yours, but that first boyfriend, when you’re giddy that this is your life and a cute boy is holding your hand, and…I never had that—the childhood boyfriend thing. Most queer kids never had that. Was that why this thing with Declan felt so different? If that was the case, why hadn’t I felt it with Neil?
And why was I lying here for hours after he left, obsessing about him?
Declan had made it clear he didn’t want those things. He couldn’t get out of here fast enough this morning. And there was also the fact that I didn’t even know what the hell I wanted to do with my life. I could be moving back to New York, though it wasn’t like I didn’t have a house in both places. I could stay. I could—stop. That’s what I could do. Stop this. And I was going to.
I stood to go into the house, but my cell rang. I groaned when I saw my agent’s name on the screen. Avoiding him forever wouldn’t work. Hell, he didn’t even know Neil and I had broken up. Making an announcement was the last thing I wanted to do. It was weird having to share those things with the world. I wasn’t sure I’d ever get used to it, or if I wanted to.
“Hey, Cliff.”
“If I didn’t hear from you soon, I was going to show up at your place.”
“Sorry. I know I basically fell off the face of the earth, but I’ve been going through some things.”
“What kind of things?” There was no real concern for me in his voice. Cliff only cared about my career. He was a great businessman, and he was perfect to have in your corner for that, but when it came to personal stuff or anything that required him to think with his heart rather than his wallet, he was shit.
“Neil and I broke up.”
He was quiet for a moment, and I let him stew. Then he said, “Anything you did wrong that I need to get ahead of?”
“What? No. Jesus, Cliff. I don’t even get a sorry you and your boyfriend broke up?”
“Do you pay me for that? I’m not trying to be a dick, but you pay me to get you jobs and more money. That’s easier to do without any drama. If you want something different from me, I can do that.”
“No, no. It’s fine.” Cliff was Cliff, and that had always worked for me. “Anyway, no, I didn’t do anything. He was fucking Drake.”
“Ouch. Well, at least it wasn’t you who did the cheating. It’s a bummer, though. Consumers like their gay men in steady, heteronormative relationships.”
“Excuse me, what?” tumbled out of my mouth. I’d heard what he said, and hell, I knew it was true, but it still shocked me when people said the quiet parts out loud.
“Come on, Sebastian. You know how it is. There’s a role they want you to play, and as long as you play it, things will go your way. Consumers, execs, they don’t mind if you’re gay, but they want you to be the perfect gay man next door. They eat that shit up. The relationship helps with that.”
I knew he was right, but I couldn’t help being grossed out by it. It went along with always playing straight characters or having no love interest. It was why Cliff pushed me to continue doing the same kind of roles over and over. If I played in a queer rom-com or something like that, there was a big chance the other roles would stop coming. “I hate the world.”
“Yes, but the world has given you a lot of money.”
Was it worth it, though? Were all these rules I had to follow worth it?
“Anyway, I got a call, and they want you for—”
“Let me guess: straight married man who lost his wife and family and takes on the world to avenge them? How many times can I do the same thing?”
“As long as people are willing to watch it.”
“I don’t… I can’t. I need a break.” I needed to figure shit out because I didn’t know if I could keep doing this.
