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That was part of what today was. We needed to speak about everything that had happened, but Sebastian didn’t want to do an interview. It felt too intrusive, and I sure as shit didn’t want to do one, so he’d asked if we could do an episode on The Vers. The crew had agreed, and here we were.
“Are we going to do this or what?” I asked as Corbin, Marcus, and Parker continued their bickering.
“It’s a wonder you guys get anything done around here.” Sebastian was clearly amused.
“Wait…now we have to deal with Declan’s boyfriend busting our balls too?” Corbin asked. “I didn’t agree to that.”
“Maybe if you didn’t make it so easy,” Marcus added.
“We’re getting off-track again,” I jumped in. I was already fidgety and wanted nothing less than to have to share anything about Sebastian and me.
“Anyone think Declan’s frustrated voice is kinda hot?” Parker teased.
“Me!” Sebastian raised his hand as if he were a kid in class. “I think it’s hot.”
“They’re rubbing off on you.” I ran a hand through my hair, which was, like always, a mess.
“You know it’s killing me not to make a joke about Sebastian rubbing off on me, right?” Of course, that was from Corbin, but it was Marcus who finally got things under control.
“I don’t think Sebastian’s people are going to let him on the show again if we don’t cut to the chase here, guys.”
Corbin cleared his throat. “Okay…so what do we do now?” which made us all laugh and helped ease some of the tension inside me. My friends were good at that.
“I don’t want his being with me to hurt Sebastian’s image in any way,” I found myself saying. Fuck, this was hard, and it sucked, but I just wanted it over with.
“If it does,” Parker replied, “it’s because the world is a shitty place and people judge others without knowing them. You’re the best person I know, Dec.” Parker was on my other side, so I reached over and grabbed his hand, squeezing it in a thank-you.
“I agree with Parker,” Sebastian said. “I think it’s wrong that we have to do this at all. You were betrayed by the last person who should’ve ever betrayed you, and people took that and ran with it, publicizing parts of your life they have no business talking about. It’s wrong, it’s hurtful, and while I know it’s not my fault, I hate that it’s happening to Declan because of who I am. I mean, posting the personal things he went through as a child? Who does that? It should be his story to share if he wants.”
Yeah, yeah it should be, but that wasn’t how the world worked, was it? And I was tired of caring. I was who I was, and that wouldn’t change. “I used to be ashamed of it, I think… No, I know I was. Ashamed of loving my parents despite the fact that they clearly didn’t love me, ashamed of not being able to let anyone in and thinking all of it meant I was unlovable. There were adults in my life who could have helped me, but they chose not to. There are adults now who could stop speculating about the little boy I used to be and the man I am now, but they choose not to. That’s not on me—it’s on them.
“As far as the unlovable part…when I was young I met three boys who made me see that wasn’t true. I held on to them as tightly as I could, afraid it was a fluke, that they’d change their minds. But they didn’t, they just loved me. Then I worried that it couldn’t happen again, that I was already lucky enough to have them, but I think the first time I met Sebastian I knew he was different.”
I paused a moment, the words easier than I thought to get out but still something I didn’t think I should have to share.
“And I was right. He is different. The whole lovable thing wasn’t a fluke with you guys because Sebastian did it too.” I shrugged. “It sucks that my dad turned our relationship into a story for money, and that people ate it up, but I know who is important to me. I know who cares about me, and those are the people who matter.”
“Have you talked to him?” Marcus asked, knowing the answer.
“Nah, and I don’t plan on it. Like I said, I know who the people are who care about me, and that’s where I plan to focus my attention.”
“Jesus, I love you. I can’t believe you just said all that.” Sebastian held my face, gently kissing me.
“Eh. Apparently, that’s my thing now…people loving me,” I teased, trying to lighten the mood. “I might let it go to my head.”
They all laughed.
