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"We do."
"Is that hard?"
"Sometimes," he said. He finished his drink and raised the glass. The bartender brought another over. "What do you do?"
"I'm an office manager at my brother's bakery. He makes rolls and bread products for restaurants."
"That sounds interesting."
She gave a cynical smile. "No, it doesn't. And it's not, but it pays the bills." Her teeth flashed white in the gloom. "I haven't seen you here before."
"Todd brought me."
She nodded in Todd's direction. "Him, I've seen. He hits on anything in a skirt who's still breathing. And I think the breathing part is optional. My friend loves it here, but usually I can't stand the place. She makes me come with her."
Kevin nodded and shifted on his stool. He wondered if Coffey and Ramirez ever came here.
"Am I boring you?" she asked. "I can leave you alone if you'd like."
"You're not boring me."
She flipped her hair and Kevin thought she was prettier than he'd first realized. "Would you like to buy me a drink?" she suggested.
"What would you like?"
"Cosmopolitan," she said, and Kevin signaled to the bartender. The cosmopolitan arrived.
"I'm not very good at this," Kevin admitted.
"Not good at what?"
"This."
"We're just talking," she said. "And you're doing fine."
"I'm married."
She smiled. "I know. I saw your ring."
"Does that bother you?"
"Like I said, we're just talking."
She ran a finger along her glass and he could see the moisture collect on the tip.
"Does your wife know you're here?" she asked.
"My wife is out of town," he said. "Her friend is sick and she's helping her out."
"And so you thought you'd hit the bars? Meet some women?"
"I'm not like that," Kevin said tightly. "I love my wife."
"You should. Since you married her, I mean."
He wanted another double vodka but didn't want to order it in front of her, since he'd already done so. Instead, as if reading his mind, she signaled to the bartender and he brought over another one. Kevin took a large gulp, still thinking it tasted like water.
"Is it okay that I did that?" she asked.
"It's okay," he said.
She stared at him, her expression sultry. "I wouldn't tell your wife that you were here if I were you."
"Why not?" he asked.
"Because you're way too handsome for a place like this. You never know who would try to hit on you."
"Are you hitting on me?"
It took her a moment to answer. "Would you be offended if I said yes?"
He spun the glass slowly on the bar. "No," he said, "I wouldn't be offended."
After drinking and flirting for another two hours, they ended up at her place. Amber understood that he wanted to be discreet and gave him her address. After Amber and her friend left, Kevin stayed in the bar with Todd for another half hour before he told Todd that he had to get home so he could call Erin.
When he drove, the world blurred around the edge of his vision. His thoughts were jumbled and confusing and he knew he was swerving but he was a good detective. Even if he was stopped, he wouldn't be arrested because cops don't arrest other cops, and what were a few drinks?
Amber lived in an apartment a few blocks away from the bar. He knocked at the door, and when she opened it she was wearing nothing beneath the sheet she had wrapped around her. He kissed her and carried her to the bedroom and felt her fingers unbuttoning his shirt. He placed her on the bed and undressed and turned out the light because he didn't want to be reminded that he was cheating on his wife. Adultery was a sin and now that he was here he didn't want to have sex with her, but he'd been drinking and the world appeared smudged and she'd been wearing nothing except a sheet and it was all so confusing.
She wasn't like Erin. Her body was different, her shape was different, and her scent was different. She smelled spicy, animal-like almost, and her hands moved too much, and everything with Amber was new and he didn't like it but he couldn't stop, either. He heard her calling out his name and saying dirty things and he wanted to tell her to shut up so he could think about Erin, but it was hard to concentrate because everything was so confusing.
He squeezed her arms and heard her gasp and say, "Not so hard," and he loosened his grip, but then he squeezed her arms again because he wanted to. This time she said nothing. He thought about Erin and where she was and whether she was okay and thought again how much he missed her.
He shouldn't have hit Erin because she was sweet and kind and gentle and she didn't deserve to be punched or kicked. It was his fault she was gone. He'd driven her away, even though he loved her. He'd searched for her and hadn't been able to find her and he'd been to Philadelphia and now he was with a woman named Amber who didn't know what to do with her hands and made strange noises and it felt all wrong.
When they were done, he didn't want to stay. Instead, he got out of bed and started to get dressed. She turned on the lamp and sat up in bed. The sight of her reminded him that she wasn't Erin and he suddenly felt sick to his stomach. The Bible says The man who commits adultery is an utter fool, for he destroys his own soul.
He had to get away from Amber. He didn't know why he'd come, and as he stared at her, his stomach was in knots.
"Are you okay?" she asked.
"I shouldn't be here," he said. "I shouldn't have come."
"It's a little late now," she said.
"I have to go."
"Just like that?"
"I'm married," he said again.
"I know." She gave a weary smile. "And it's okay."
"No, it's not," he said, and after getting dressed, he left her apartment and raced down the steps and jumped in his car. He drove fast but didn't swerve because the guilt he felt was like a sharp tonic to his senses. He made it home and saw a light on at the Feldmans' and he knew they would peek out their window as he pulled in his driveway. The Feldmans were bad neighbors and never waved at him and told kids to stay off their lawn. They would know what he'd done because they were bad people and he had done a bad thing and birds of a feather flocked together.
When he went inside, he needed a drink but the thought of vodka made him sick and his mind was racing. He'd cheated on his wife and the Bible says His shame will never be erased. He'd broken a commandment of God and broken his vow to Erin and he knew the truth would come out. Amber knew and Todd knew and the Feldmans knew and they'd tell someone who'd tell someone else and Erin would learn what he had done. He paced the living room, his breaths coming fast because he knew he wouldn't be able to explain it to Erin in a way she would understand. She was his wife and she would never forgive him. She'd be angry and she'd tell him to sleep on the couch and in the morning she would look at him with disappointment because he was a sinner and she would never trust him again. He shivered, feeling nauseated. He slept with another woman and the Bible says Have nothing to do with sexual sin, impurity, lust, and shameful desires. It was all so confusing and he wanted to stop thinking but he couldn't. He wanted to drink but he couldn't and he had the feeling that Erin would suddenly appear at their doorstep.
The house was messy and dirty and Erin would know what he'd done, and even though his thoughts were jumbled, he knew those two things were linked. He paced the living room frantically. Dirty and cheating were linked because cheating was dirty and Erin would know that he'd cheated because the house was dirty, and the two of them went together. Suddenly, he stopped pacing and he strode to the kitchen and found a garbage bag beneath the sink. In the living room, he dropped to his knees and crawled around, filling it with empty takeout containers and magazines and plastic utensils and empty bottles of vodka and pizza boxes. It was well past midnight and he didn't have to work in the morning, so he stayed awake cleaning the house and doing the dishes and running the vacuum that he'd bought for Erin. He cleane
d so she wouldn't know, because he knew that cheating and dirty went together. He put the dirty clothes in the washer and when they were done he dried them and folded them while other loads were washing and drying. The sun came up and he pulled the cushions from the sofa and vacuumed until all the crumbs were gone. As he worked, he glanced out the window, knowing Erin would be home any minute. He scrubbed the toilet and washed the food stains from the refrigerator and mopped the linoleum. Dawn turned to morning and then to late morning. He washed the sheets and opened the drapes and dusted the frame that held the photograph of their wedding day. He mowed the lawn and emptied the clippings in the garbage can and when he was done he went shopping and bought turkey and ham and Dijon mustard and fresh rye bread from the bakery. He bought flowers and set them on the table. He added candles. When he was finished he was breathing hard. He poured himself a tall, icy glass of vodka and sat at the kitchen table and waited for Erin. He was happy because he'd cleaned the house because it meant that Erin would never know what he'd done and they would have the kind of marriage he'd always wanted. They would trust each other and be happy and he would love her forever and never cheat on her again because why on earth would he ever do something as disgusting as that?
27
Katie got her driver's license in the second week of July. In the days leading up to her test, Alex had taken her driving regularly, and despite some pretest jitters, she'd passed with a nearly perfect score. The license arrived in the mail within a few days and when Katie opened the envelope, she felt almost dizzy. There was a photograph of her next to a name she'd never imagined having, but according to the state of North Carolina, she was as real as any other resident of the state.
That night, Alex took her to dinner in Wilmington. Afterward, they'd walked the downtown streets holding hands and browsing the shops. Every now and then, she saw Alex regarding her with amusement.
"What?" she finally demanded.
"I was just thinking that you don't look like an Erin. You look like a Katie."
"I should look like a Katie," she said. "That's my name and I've got a driver's license to prove it."
"I know you do," he said. "Now all you need is a car."
"Why do I need a car?" She shrugged. "It's a small town and I've got a bike. And when it's raining, there's this guy who's willing to drive me anywhere I need to go. It's almost like having a chauffeur."
"Really?"
"Uh-huh. And I'm pretty sure that if I asked, he'd even let me borrow his car. I have him wrapped around my little finger."
Alex cocked an eyebrow. "He doesn't sound like much of a man."
"He's all right," she teased. "He seemed a little desperate in the beginning, what with all the freebies he gave me, but I eventually got used to it."
"You have a heart of gold."
"Obviously," she said. "I'm pretty much one in a million."
He laughed. "I'm beginning to think that you're finally coming out of your shell and I'm beginning to glimpse the real you."
She walked a few steps in silence. "You know the real me," she said, stopping to peer up at him. "More than anyone else."
"I know," he said, pulling her toward him. "And that's why I think that somehow we were meant to find each other."
Though the store was as busy as ever, Alex took a vacation. It was his first in a while, and he spent most afternoons with Katie and the kids, relishing the lazy days of summer in a way he hadn't since childhood. He fished with Josh and built dollhouses with Kristen; he took Katie to a jazz festival in Myrtle Beach. When the fireflies were out in force, they caught dozens with nets and put them in a jar; later that night, they watched the eerie glow with a mixture of wonder and fascination before Alex finally opened the lid.
They rode their bikes and went to the movies, and when Katie wasn't working evenings, Alex liked to fire up the grill. The kids would eat and then swim in the creek until it was almost dark. After they'd showered and gone to bed, Alex would sit with Katie on the small dock out back, their legs dangling over the water, while the moon slowly traversed the sky. They sipped wine and talked about nothing important, but Alex grew to savor those quiet moments together.
Kristen particularly loved spending time with Katie. When the four of them were walking together, Kristen often reached for Katie's hand; when she fell down in the playground, she'd begun to run to Katie. While it warmed Alex's heart to see those things, he always felt a pang of sadness, too, because it reminded him that he could never be everything that his daughter needed, no matter how hard he tried. Still, when Kristen came running up to him and asked if Katie could take her shopping, Alex couldn't say no. Though Alex made a point to take her shopping once or twice a year, he tended to view it more as a parental duty than an opportunity for fun. By contrast, Katie seemed delighted by the idea. After giving Katie some money, Alex handed her the keys to the jeep and waved from the parking lot as they left.
As happy as Katie's presence had made Kristen, Josh's feelings weren't quite as obvious. The day before, Alex had picked him up from a friend's swimming party, and he hadn't said anything to either Katie or Alex the rest of the evening. Earlier, at the beach, he'd been subdued as well. Alex knew that something was bothering him and suggested that they get out their fishing poles, just as dusk was settling in. Shadows began to stretch across the blackened water and the creek was still, a darkened mirror reflecting the slowly drifting clouds.
They cast their lines for an hour while the sky turned violet, then indigo, the lures making circular ripples as they splashed into the water. Josh remained strangely quiet. At other times the tableau might have seemed peaceful, but now Alex had the nagging feeling that something was wrong. Just when he was about to ask Josh about it, however, his son half-swiveled in his direction.
"Hey, Dad?"
"Yeah?"
"Do you ever think about Mom?"
"All the time," he said.
Josh nodded. "I think about her, too."
"You should. She loved you very much. What do you think about?"
"I remember when she made us cookies. She let me put the frosting on."
"I remember that. You had pink frosting all over your face. She took your picture. It's still on the refrigerator."
"I think that's why I remember." He propped the rod in his lap. "Do you miss her?"
"Of course I do. I loved her very much," Alex said, holding Josh's gaze. "What's going on, Josh?"
"At the party yesterday..." Josh rubbed his nose, hesitating.
"What happened?"
"Most of the moms stayed the whole time. Talking and stuff."
"I would have stayed if you wanted me to."
Josh dropped his eyes, and in the silence, Alex suddenly knew what he hadn't said. "I was supposed to stay, too, wasn't I. Some parent-child thing." His tone was more a statement than a question. "But you didn't want to tell me because I would have been the only dad there, right?"
Josh nodded, looking guilty. "I don't want you to be mad at me."
Alex slipped an arm around his son. "I'm not mad," he said.
"Are you sure?"
"I'm positive. I couldn't be mad at you for that."
"Do you think Mom would have gone? If she was still here?"
"Of course she would have. She wouldn't have missed it."
On the far side of the creek, a mullet jumped and the tiny ripples began moving toward them.
"What do you do when you go out with Miss Katie?" he asked.
Alex shifted slightly. "It's kind of like what we did at the beach today. We eat and talk and maybe go for a walk."
"You've been spending a lot of time with her lately."
"Yes."
Josh considered that. "What do you talk about?"
"Just regular stuff." Alex tilted his head. "And we talk about you and your sister, too."
"What do you say?"
"We talk about how much fun it is to spend time with you two, and how well you did in school, or how good you are at keepin
g your room clean."
"Will you tell her that I didn't tell you that you were supposed to stay at the party?"
"Do you want me to?"
"No," he said.
"Then I won't say anything."
"Promise? Because I don't want her to be mad at me."
Alex raised his fingers. "Scout's honor. But just so you know, she wouldn't be mad at you even if I did. She thinks you're a great kid."
Josh sat up straighter and began reeling in his line. "Good," he said. "Because I think she's pretty great, too."
The conversation with Josh kept Alex awake that night. He found himself studying the portrait of Carly in his bedroom as he sipped his third beer of the evening.
Kristen and Katie had returned to the house, full of energy and excitement as they showed him the clothes they'd purchased. Surprisingly, Katie had returned nearly half the money, saying only that she was pretty good at finding things on sale. Alex sat on the couch as Kristen modeled an outfit for him, only to vanish back into her bedroom before returning wearing something completely different. Even Josh, who ordinarily wouldn't have cared in the slightest, set his Nintendo game aside, and when Kristen had left the room, he approached Katie.
"Could you take me shopping, too?" he asked, his voice barely above a whisper. "Because I need some new shirts and stuff."
Afterward, Alex ordered Chinese food and they sat around the table, eating and laughing. At one point during dinner, Katie pulled a leather wristband from her purse and turned toward Josh. "I thought this was pretty cool-looking," she said, handing it to Josh. His surprise gave way to pleasure as he put it on, and Alex noticed how Josh's eyes continually flickered toward Katie for the rest of the evening.
Ironically, it was at times like tonight that he missed Carly most. Even though she'd never experienced nights like these as a family--the kids were too young when she died--he found it easy to imagine her being at the table.
Perhaps that was the reason he couldn't sleep, long after Katie went home and Kristen and Josh were asleep in their beds. Tossing back the covers, he went to the closet and opened the safe he'd installed a few years earlier. In it were important financial and insurance documents, stacked beside treasures from his marriage. They were items that Carly had collected: photos from their honeymoon, a four-leaf clover they'd found while vacationing in Vancouver, the bouquet of peonies and calla lilies she'd carried on her wedding day, ultrasound images of Josh and Kristen while each was still in her womb, along with the outfits that each had worn on the way home from the hospital. Photo negatives and camera disks, chronicling their years together.
