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Hot as fire, bright as the sun. It comes from the depths of my being, the darkest parts that bring nothing butchaos.
5
SAM
Painkiller- DREAMERS
Lik settles his head on my lap and turns the TV on. I can’t focus on anything, my mind reeling, everything tossing and turning.
“We’re going to have to go home at some point. I know we didn’t move too long ago, but we have a cabin where weactuallylive.”
He doesn’t even mind that I don’t respond, he’s used to making conversation on his own.
“Oh my god, look what’s on,” he beams as he nestles further against me. My hand goes to his hair, playing with the tight curls rolling them around my index finger, unrolling, repeating. But my mind isn’t really here.
It’s in the bathroom with Rose, where I can hear her shower. It took us two hours to move that guy’s body with the help of Lik’s brother, Xi. Now he’s buried in a ditch, and I hope he wasn’t anyone important. I can’t have the police after me, not when I’m on my final contract.
I think of the words I told Rose. The fact that I had promised her I would kill her after I found Volkov. A promise she knows I never intended to keep.
What did I say now, lost in my lust, anger, and jealousy? Empty threats, shit I could never do to her.
Because I love her too much.
I can’t kill her, and I can’t make her life a living hell. It’s too hard. I love Rose for everything she is. Her stubbornness and feistiness are part of it. I don’t want to take the strong woman out of her, simply…simply own her.All of her. There’s no high like getting her vulnerable and pliable. What we did to her in that room…I want to take it further than that. I want to utterly destroy her so I can build her back and then do it all over again. Like I do to Lik. I want Rachel to be part of that too.
Running my knuckles against my jaw, I try to trace back how this all started. Not my love for Rose, that’s become a timeless ache in my heart. But more of when I started losing sight of my goal; killing the Volkov brothers. My money, my promise to Lik. My personal vendetta against them and, specifically, Viktor.
When did I start letting Lik lust over her and allow him to play with her like a shiny new toy? I felt reassured that he found her as irresistible as I did.
That he, too, can’t think of anything but her when she’s around. That he also can’t help but touch her, dominate her, and obsess over her. It took a weight off my shoulders: the weight of guilt. Because if we’re both hopelessly consumed with her, I don’t have to choose him or her.
My stomach twists thinking these thoughts, perfectly knowing I could never choose one over the other. Lik wants all of me, accepts me, cherishes me. Rose fights me every step of the way. Just the way I like her.
Sometimes I think she still fights me because she’s always loved doing so, knowing that she’d be happy to let me win in the end. Her stubbornness used to keep her rebellious, but if there’s one person she was happy to let take over it was me. Because she wholeheartedly trusted me. Something we don’t have anymore and that I’m not sure how to build back on both sides.
Sometimes I think she still fights me because she would truly be happy with Rachel only. They share a love I can only yearn for from Rose. She doesn’t know how to handle it when it comes to her insecurities, but I know her, and I know she would die without her shy girlfriend.
And I know exactly why I’ve come to want to protect Rachel. I used to be jealous of her, and I still am in some way. But everything’s changed since I saw the bruises on her.
I throw my head back, resting it on the back of the sofa. Lik says something about a hot guy in his show, and I mumble some sort of ‘take it back’. I think he does.
My eyes close, and at first, I see the images of just only a couple of hours ago. Rose on the bed, that guy's blood all over her stomach. The way her tits felt in my hands, the way her mouth felt wrapped around my dick. The noises she made with a gun silencer down her throat, the view of her body tied to the bed. The cries, the whimpers, the pain. She is positively the most magnificent woman who’s ever walked this earth.
It’s not hard to understand wars that have been fought over women. We are merely humans; our pride leads us, and our love controls us.
Menelaus fought for ten years to get Helen back from Paris. Armies left their kingdoms, children died, queens were turned into slaves, and Troy burned to ashes.
The stupidity of men never ceases to astound me. Mine, in particular, when it comes to admitting that I would have happily fought the strongest Greek hero if it meant I would keep the woman I love by my side. I would have fought one more year, one more battle, gutted Achilles in front of the Gods if it meant Rose would be mine forever.
Or, like the insane person she has turned me into, blinded by jealousy, I would kill an innocent man who had no idea what he was getting himself into. Add him to the list of fallen men in my own personal Trojan war.
Slowly, I drift into my own world—the one where Rose only had eyes for me.
15 years old
From the living room, where I’m sitting with Nate and my father, I see Rose dash through the hallway toward the stairs. Her long hair is up in a tight ponytail, exactly how Bianco loves it. I can’t see the scar at the back of her neck from here, yet I know it’s there, burnt into her skin.
“It’s not that big of a deal, boy. And you gotta learn somehow. Sam never minds, do you, son?” My fathers’ words are slightly slurred because he’s drunk, as usual. He always smells of alcohol, but he’s good at covering it when we visit Bianco’s house.
