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"Leave her out of this," Colin growled.
"Are you telling me what to do?" Margolis demanded.
"Yes," Colin said.
"Or what? Are you going to hit me?"
Colin continued to stare at him before reaching for Maria's hand. "Let's go," he said, beginning to walk away, Evan and Lily close behind.
"Go ahead," Margolis called out from behind them. "I'll be around."
"How much do I owe you?" Colin said.
"Let's worry about that later, okay?" Lily answered.
They'd followed Evan and Lily back to Evan's place, the four of them congregating on the front porch. It had been a quiet ride, Maria's thoughts too fragmented for conversation, and Colin in no mood to break the silence. Even now, Maria felt like an observer to her own life.
"What the hell were you doing tonight?" Evan demanded. "We've talked about this! And Margolis is right! What would have happened if Lily and I hadn't been there?"
"I don't know," Colin answered.
"You damn well know exactly what would have happened!" Evan ran a hand through his hair. "Why the hell do you keep doing this? You've got to learn to control this thing."
"Okay."
"Don't say okay!" Evan shouted. "Like Lily, I'm sick of you saying that all the time, because it's a cop-out! I thought we'd gotten past this last year, after that guy accidentally spilled his drink on Lily."
"You're right," Colin said evenly. "I made a mistake. I lost control."
"Gee, really?" Evan spat out. He turned, starting for the front door. "Whatever. You two deal with him for now. I'm done." The door slammed behind him, leaving the three of them on the porch.
"You know that Evan's right, Colin," Lily said.
"I wasn't going to hurt her."
"That doesn't matter," she said, her voice soft. "You're big and strong, and when you're angry, people can sense the innate violence within you. The poor waitress was cowering and crying and you wouldn't let up until Evan put everything he had into pulling you away. And then, I was almost certain you were going to hit him."
Colin's gaze dropped to the ground before slowly coming up again, and for a moment, his confidence was gone. In its place Maria saw shame and remorse, maybe even a flash of hopelessness.
"It won't happen again."
"Maybe," Lily said, kissing him on the cheek. "You said that the last time, too."
She turned toward Maria and offered a hug. "And I'm absolutely certain that all of this must feel both overwhelming and terrifying to you. If someone was stalking and taunting me, I would have already been off to Charleston by now to hide out with my parents, and knowing them, they'd send me out of the country. I'm just so sorry for what you're going through."
"Thank you," Maria said. Suddenly exhausted, she barely recognized the sound of her own voice.
"Would you like to come inside?" Lily asked when she pulled back. "I'm sure Evan is calmer by now, and we can work through some options or ideas... or we can just sit and listen if you feel like you need to talk."
"I wouldn't even know what to say," she said.
Lily understood, and with a gentle click of the door as it closed behind her, Maria and Colin were alone on the front porch.
"I'm sorry, Maria," he mumbled.
"I know."
"Would you like me to bring you home?"
In either direction, most of the houses were already dark.
"I don't want to go home," she said in a small voice. "He knows where I live."
Colin stretched out his hand. "C'mon," he said. "You can stay with me."
Leaving the porch, they walked around the side of the house, toward the downstairs entrance. Once inside, Colin turned on the lights as he led the way. Hoping for any distraction from the lingering knot in her stomach, she took in the room. Average sized, with a kitchen off to the right and a small hallway directly ahead that no doubt led to the bedroom and bath. Surprisingly neat, without clutter piled on the coffee table or on the counters. Neutral color scheme for the furniture, with no photographs or personal items, like no one lived here at all.
"This is your place?"
He nodded. "For now. Can I get you something to drink?"
"Just water," she said.
Colin filled two glasses in the kitchen, bringing one of them to her. She took a sip, suddenly remembering that she was being followed and seeing again Colin's anger as he'd demanded answers from the waitress, his muscles tense. She remembered the split second after Evan had jerked him off balance and the utter wildness and uncontrollable fury in his expression.
"How are you feeling?" he finally asked.
She tried to force the image away and realized that she couldn't. "Not good," she said. "Not good at all."
Neither of them seemed to know what to say to the other in the living room, nor later, when they were in bed together. Instead, simply needing to be held, Maria rolled over, resting her head on Colin's chest, conscious of the lingering tension in his body.
She'd hoped that by staying here, with Colin beside her, she'd feel safe.
But she didn't feel safe. Not anymore. And as she lay awake, staring into the darkness, she was beginning to wonder whether she ever would again.
In the morning, Colin drove Maria home and waited in the living room while she showered and changed, but he didn't join her for brunch at her parents'. He understood that right now, she needed to be alone with her family, a haven of stability and predictability amid a life that suddenly felt wildly off course. He walked her to her car and while they embraced, she found herself holding back slightly.
At the house, her parents were oblivious, but Serena figured out something was bothering Maria as soon as she stepped inside, something Maria didn't want to share with her parents. Serena played along perfectly, maintaining a stream of commentary as they cooked and ate, filling any silences with the sound of her voice and keeping the conversation from drifting toward anything serious.
Afterwards, Maria and Serena went for a walk. As soon as they reached a safe distance from the house, Serena turned and said, "Spill it." On a bench beneath an elm tree with leaves that had begun to turn gold, Maria told Serena everything that had happened, reliving the terror of the past several days, and when she started to cry, Serena began to cry as well. Like Maria, Serena was upset and scared; like Maria, she had more questions than answers. Questions at which Maria could only shake her head.
After lunch, Serena and her parents headed off to Maria's uncle's house, an informal family get-together like countless others, but Maria begged off, claiming she had a headache and wanted to take a nap. While her dad accepted the explanation without question, Maria's mother was dubious, though she knew enough not to press her. On the way out the door, she hugged Maria longer than usual and asked how things were going with Colin. The sound of his name brought a sudden wellspring of tears, and on her way to the car, Maria thought, I've officially become a basket case.
Even concentrating enough to drive was strangely difficult. Despite the traffic, all she could think was that someone was watching her, waiting for her to return... or maybe he was even following her now. Impulsively, she changed lanes and made a quick turn onto a side street, her eyes glued to the rearview mirror. She turned again, then once more before finally pulling over. And though she wanted to be strong--pleaded with God to help her be strong--she found herself bent over the steering wheel, sobbing.
Who was he and what did he want? The nameless, faceless man in the baseball cap--why hadn't she looked for him? All she remembered were shadows and fragments, nothing at all...
But there was more, too, something that kept her anxious and on the verge of tears. Without thinking, she put the car in gear and started driving, eventually making her way to a quiet stretch of Carolina Beach.
The day was cool and the breeze held the nip of the coming winter as she walked the sand. Clouds had rolled in, white and gray, and it felt like impending rain. The waves rolled in calming rhythm, and as she walked
, she finally felt her thoughts beginning to settle long enough for a bit of clarity to emerge.
She wasn't on edge simply because she was being followed. Nor was she merely reliving the fears she'd felt for Colin as he'd stood with the police officers with the rest of his life hanging in the balance. She saw now that she was also afraid of Colin, and as sick as the thought made her feel, she couldn't push the feeling away.
Knowing that she needed to talk to Colin, Maria drove to Evan's. When Colin opened the door to his apartment, she saw that he had been studying at the small kitchen table. Though he invited her in, she declined, the interior of his place appearing suddenly claustrophobic. Instead, they went to Evan's porch, each taking a seat in a rocking chair as the rain began to fall.
Colin perched on the edge of his seat, forearms resting on his legs. He looked tired, the last twenty-four hours obviously taking a toll. He did nothing to break the silence, and for a moment, Maria wasn't even sure where to begin.
"I've been on edge ever since last night," she ventured, "so if I'm not making much sense, it's probably because my thoughts are still jumbled." She drew a breath. "I mean, I know you were just trying to help me. But Lily was right. Even though I believe you when you say that you weren't going to hurt the waitress, the way you were acting told a different story."
"I almost lost control."
"No," she said. "You did lose control."
"I can't control my emotions. The only thing I can control is my behavior, and I didn't touch her."
"Don't try to minimize what happened."
"I'm not trying to minimize it."
"What if you get angry with me?"
"I would never hurt you."
"And like the waitress, I might end up terrified and in tears anyway. If you'd acted like that toward me, I'd never want to talk to you again. And then, with Evan..."
"I didn't do anything to Evan."
"But had it been anyone else who grabbed you--a guy you didn't know--you wouldn't have been able to stop, and you know it. Just like Margolis said." She made sure to hold his gaze. "Or are you going to lie to me for the first time and say I'm wrong?"
"I was scared for you. Because the guy was there."
"But what you did didn't make it better."
"I just wanted to find out what he looked like."
"And you don't think I do?" she said, raising her voice. "But tell me this--what if he'd still been there? Just sitting at the bar? What would you have done then? Do you honestly believe that you were capable of having a reasonable conversation with him? No. You would have overreacted, and right now, you'd be in prison."
"I'm sorry."
"You already apologized." She hesitated. "As much as we've discussed your past and as much as I thought I knew you, I realize that I don't. Last night, you weren't the guy I fell in love with, or even a guy I would have dated. Instead, I saw someone that--in my past--I would have gladly put away."
"What are you trying to say?"
"I don't know," she said. "All I know is that I don't have the energy to start worrying that you'll do something dumb and throw your life away, or that you'll end up frightening me because something inside you suddenly switches on."
"It's not your job to worry about me."
At his comment, she flushed, all her fears and anxieties and anger rising to the surface like an air bubble moving through water.
"Don't be a hypocrite! What the hell do you think all that was about last night? Or the past week, for that matter? You hid out on a roof for hours to take pictures of my boss, called every florist in the city, and drove two hours to show a stranger a photograph! You did that because you were worried about me. And now you're saying that I'm not allowed to worry about you? Why is it okay for you to worry, but not for me--"
"Maria--"
"Let me finish!" she demanded. "I told you that what was happening to me wasn't your problem! I told you to let it go! But you were dead set on doing whatever the hell you wanted... And okay, maybe you did talk me into letting you take the photos. Because you made it sound like you knew what you were doing--like you could handle it. But based on last night, you obviously can't! You were almost arrested! And then what would have happened? Do you have any idea what that would have done to me? How I would have felt?"
She pressed her fingers to her eyelids and was trying to organize her thoughts when she heard her cell phone ring. Pulling it from her pocket, she recognized Serena's number and wondered why she was calling. Hadn't she said something about going on a date?
She answered and instantly heard the panic in Serena's voice, the words spilling out in rapid Spanish.
"Come home now!" Serena sobbed before Maria could say a single word.
Maria felt her chest constrict. "What's wrong? Is Dad okay? What happened?"
"It's Mom and Dad! Because of Copo! She's dead!"
CHAPTER 17
Colin
Colin worried that Maria was too shaky to get behind the wheel, so he drove her car to her parents' house, trying to read her mood as she stared out the rain-splattered window. Between her sobs, Serena hadn't been able to tell Maria much--no one really knew anything other than that Copo was dead. As soon as they pulled into the driveway, Maria rushed into the house, Colin trailing behind. Her parents sat holding each other on the sofa, haggard and red-eyed. Serena stood near the kitchen, wiping at her tears.
Felix stood from the couch as soon as Maria entered, and they both began weeping. Soon the whole family was standing with their arms around each other, crying while Colin stood quietly in the doorway.
When their tears abated, they all collapsed on the couch, Maria continuing to hold her father's hand. They were speaking in Spanish, so he couldn't follow much of the story, but he heard more than enough to let him know that the dog's death had made no sense at all.
Later, he sat with Maria on the back porch and she caught him up on what she'd learned, which wasn't much. Her parents and Serena had gone to their relatives' after brunch, and while normally they'd bring the dog, there were going to be a lot of kids there, and they'd been worried that Copo might get overwhelmed, or worse, accidentally hurt. Serena had returned to the house an hour later because she'd left her cell phone charging on the kitchen counter. When Serena saw Copo lying near the back slider--which had been left open--she assumed the dog was sleeping. But when the dog hadn't moved by the time she was about to leave, Serena called out to her. Copo didn't respond, so Serena went to check on her, only to realize that the dog had died. She called her parents, who drove straight home, and then Maria.
"Copo was fine before they left. She'd eaten and wasn't acting sick. There was nothing for her to have choked on, and my dad didn't find anything in her throat. There wasn't any blood or vomit..." She drew a shaky breath. "It's like she died for no reason, and my dad... I've never seen him cry before. He brought her everywhere; they hardly ever left her alone. You can't understand how much he loved that little dog."
"I can only imagine," he said.
"Maybe," she said. "But still... you have to understand that in the village my parents came from, dogs work or herd or spend time with you in the field, but they aren't regarded as pets. My father never understood the American love affair with dogs. Both Serena and I begged for a dog when we were younger, but he was adamantly opposed. And then, when Serena and I left home, there was suddenly a gigantic void in his life... At some point someone suggested they get a dog, and this time, it was like a light suddenly went on for him. Copo was like his child, but more obedient and devoted." She shook her head, quiet for a moment. "She's not even four years old. I mean... can a dog just... die? Have you ever heard of that happening before?"
"No."
She'd expected the answer, but it didn't help, and her thoughts circled back to the reason she'd needed to talk to him. "Colin... About what we were talking about earlier..."
"You were right. About everything."
She sighed. "I care about you, Colin. I love you and w
ant nothing more than to be with you, but..."
The word but hung heavy in the air. "I'm not who you thought I was."
"No," she said. "You're exactly who I thought you were, and you warned me right up front. And I thought I could handle it, but last night, I realized that I don't think I can."
"What does that mean?"
She tucked a strand of hair behind her ear. "I think that for right now, it might be best to slow things down a bit. Between us, I mean. With all that's going on..." She didn't finish. But she didn't have to.
"What are you going to do about the guy following you?"
"I don't know. It's hard for me to even think straight right now."
"That's what he wants. He wants you worried and afraid, constantly on edge."
She pushed her hands into her hair, kneading her temples. When she spoke, her voice was ragged. "Right now, I feel like I'm stuck in this awful dream and all I want to do is wake up... And on top of everything else, I have to support my parents. My dad wants to bury Copo tonight, and that's only going to make him even more emotional. My mom, too. And this rain... Of all the weekends for Copo to die, why this one?"
Colin peered out at the backyard. "How about I help get things ready?"
Maria brought him a shovel from the garage, and after a little back-and-forth between Maria and Felix, Colin started digging a hole in the shade of an oak tree, rain soaking through his shirt. He remembered doing the same thing for his own dog, Penny, a long-haired miniature dachshund. The dog had slept with him in bed when he'd still been living at home, and while at school he'd missed her more than his family.
He remembered how hard it had been to dig the grave the summer after his sophomore year; it was one of the few times he could recall crying since the first year he'd been sent away. With every shovelful of dirt, he'd had a memory of Penny--running through the grass or nipping at a butterfly--and he wanted to spare Felix that.
The task also got him away from Maria. He understood her need for space right now, even if he didn't like thinking about the reason. He knew he'd screwed up royally, and right now, she was probably trying to figure out whether Colin was worth the risk.
