AllFreeNovel
Share Us
Leaving Mass, I walk towards the bathrooms to escape. If anyone catches me out and about this early, I can claim I had to pee, but sitting there was becoming stifling. I seem to have more eyes on me this week than normal, and it’s unsettling.
How much trouble can I really get into here in a monastery? It feels as if I have a scarlet letter that I don’t deserve pinned to my chest. Then again, I never thought I would be in this position in the first place. Miles away from my family, with only my grandmother, who is determined to punish me into salvation.
I explore for a little bit, enjoying the peace as everyone is doing communion or still sleeping. I should take this time to investigate that locked room that I watched a group of people walk through two weeks ago, but I find myself hesitating.
There has to be a valid reason for it being locked. Biting my lip, I look around to see if I can break in, but hear voices behind the door. Gasping, I turn and run around the corner as two people in hoods walk out. They must have been expecting everyone to still be at Mass, or in their rooms, right now.
I put my hand to my chest, breaths sawing in and out as I struggle to be quiet. I can’t hear what they’re saying from my hiding space in the alcove, but I refuse to get closer and possibly get caught. One thing is for sure; I want to know what the hell is going on at this Academy even more now.
* * *
I havemy first private lesson with Father Levi tonight, and I have no idea what to expect. I still find it odd that Grandmother chose him, out of all the priests and nuns. I half hope my grandmother will change her mind, but I know she won’t.
Why did it have to be the asshole, attractive, young priest though? Is she trying to tempt me into messing up? Is this a test?
I’ve been dreading this day, since my grandmother told me about it, but I know that I have to do it. I want to repent. I want my redemption. I want my family back. So I’ll just have to pull up my big girl panties and accept it. Maybe I’ll get lucky and Father Levi will go easy on me.
I snort into my mashed potatoes at the thought, in the middle of dinner, and Grandmother gives me a stern look. I cover my mouth and fake a cough. Yeah, Father Levi has been after me since the first day we met. I doubt he’s going to take it easy on me.
I’m in my uniform, and I sigh as I look down at all of the unprotected skin that I have on display in this outfit. Why couldn’t our uniforms include pants?
I wring my hands as I hurry to his classroom. Grandmother pretty much threw me out of the apartment at eight o’clock on the dot, insisting that she didn’t want me to be late. My grandmother despises tardiness, which is why she was so angry when I took the long way to her office after Ash and Bast fought.
Biting my lip as I arrive at his classroom, I knock softly on the door. I wonder again why Father Levi insisted on doing this here in the first place. Anyone could walk by and interrupt us, and the possibility of that makes this so much more humiliating. Maybe that’s the point? I can just see it now, he’s going to enjoy these sessions.
“Come in, Miss Cross,” Father Levi intones, and his voice does something to me that I don’t understand. Blowing out a breath, I open the door and step inside.
“Hello, Father Levi,” I say softly.
“Yes, yes,” he says, waving away the niceties. He stands from his desk, and walks over to me. I feel so tiny as I look up at him. “Do you know why your grandmother has sent you to my tender care?” Father Levi asks, and my eyes widen at the question, as I nod.
“Yes, Sir. I believe that I am saved by God’s grace alone, and I want to showHimthat I am worthy,” I respond, my voice trembling. My father’s punishments were excruciating over the years, and I have no idea what this brooding priest has in store for me.
Father Levi scowls at my answer, which only causes me to feel more anxious. I don’t know what I’ve done to offend him, when I’m doing exactly as my grandmother told me; I am here to repent with an open heart.
Turning, he grabs a bag of something and dumps a pile of it onto the floor while I look on in confusion.
Does he want me to clean up a mess that he’s made?I’m not above menial labor for the sake of it, but I don’t understand what he wants me to do.
“Please, raise your skirt so it’s above your knees and kneel on the grain. I want you to sit on your heels as you do this, so that your full weight is on the grain,” he commands.
Continuing to stare at him, I leave my bag next to his desk and shuffle over to where Father Levi is standing. Slowly raising my skirt, making sure nothing else can be seen, I kneel, hissing as the grain that I believe are grits, digs into my skin. Grinding my teeth, I blink back tears, as I sit on my heels, which somehow makes this hurt more.
I was hoping maybe Father Levi would have some modern punishments for me. I have kneeled on grits before, under my father’s cruel ministrations. I have the scars to prove it.
Father Levi stares at me dispassionately as he removes his rosary from his robe.
“I want you to pray the rosary, loudly, until I tell you to stop. I want you to think about every way that you have sinned, and allow the pain you’re feeling to remind you in a small way of the pain Jesus went through to pay for your sins. Now, this is the hard way. There is an easier way,” he says.
I breathe deeply, trying to find a way to find peace in the pain, but cutting myself and kneeling in a pile of grits are very much not the same thing.
One pain I choose to take on, while this one is being thrust upon me. And every time I shift, even in the most minute way, they dig deeper into my skin. I’m certain I’ll be digging these out of my flesh later.
“What is the other way?” I breathe.
“You can tell me all of your secrets and sins, and then ask for absolution. As a priest, I can take your confession,” Father Levi croons softly, brushing my hair off my forehead.
My body locks up and I flinch away from him, as if he threatened to hit me. I dislike being touched, but teachers and priests are always the worst. I’m sure he doesn’t mean anything nefarious. He is, in fact, helping me. But I know I can’t accept his offer. No one can know my greatest secrets, or the horrors of my sins.
