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“Ye gonnae tell me what’s botherin’ ye now we’re alone?”
I smile. Narrow my eyes. Try my hardest to look confused. “I’m fine, Maw. Great, even. Glad to be home.”
“Are ye, aye? D’ye think am buttoned up the back? I’m yer mother. I’ve been able to read yer insides like a stick of rock since the day ye were born.”
My chin drops to my chest. “Fucking hell, Maw…” It’s going to come out. I can feel it at my throat. “I think I’m in love.” The words are heavy on my lips and the simple act of saying them makes my body feel lighter.
“Ah,” Mum says.
When I look up at her, my eyes are stinging. “He’s married, Maw. Got two kids.”
I wait for the creases of disappointment across her forehead. For the judgemental frown or the angry tut…but she only wraps her arms around my shoulders and pulls my head under her chin, just like when I was a boy. “Och, Laurie. You wee numpty.”
Despite the tears dripping into her shirt, I chuckle. “Aye.”
“Where’s he fae?” she asks as I sit back up and rub at my eyes with the heels of my hands.
“He’s from Manchester.”
“I meant where do you know him fae?”
Oh. “Work. He’s not in the business, which is what drew me to him, I think. He’s part of the crew. An electrician.”
“And he’s married to a…” Mum’s eyebrow curves. I know what she’s asking.
“A woman. Aye.”
She lets out a heavy sigh. “Och, baby.”
“I know how it sounds, but it’s real, Maw.”
“Isn’t that what they all say? These married straight men who get their kinky kicks on the side.”
Of course she thinks that, because she doesn’t know him. Know us. “He’s not like that. I’m no’ being blind, a’ promise. He didnae have a family like ours. He couldnae be gay, Maw. His dad woulda literally beat it out of him. It’s all so much more complicated than a simple affair. A married man getting bored or falling out of love. It’s like…it’s like he’s discovering himself for the first time. You know, like we all do. Only most of us are afforded the chance to do that before being thrust into a marriage we weren’t designed for.”
“I see.”
“Do you?”
She doesn’t answer that. She just looks at me for a while through sad eyes, and I hate that I’ve brought her into my mess. “It’s a big thing breaking up a family,” she says after a few minutes. “Are ye prepared to be responsible fae that?”
Holy fuck. I think it would hurt less if she’d just stabbed a knife under my ribs. “Bloody hell, Maw…”
Mum sighs, takes my hands in hers. “Even if what yer saying is correct, if this marriage was ne’er meant to be regardless of you coming along, that’s how you’ll be perceived, son. By his wife. By those poor weans. They’ll need someone to blame, and I’m afraid that might fall on you. That’s a huge burden. Can you live wi’ that?”
Those poor weans… I repeat in my head. While Rebecca Walker has been stirring a pot of emotions inside me, I’ve barely considered William’s children. They’re hardly weans, but there’s no age limit on being hurt by a parent’s deceit. “I don’t know,” is an honest answer. “He loves her, Maw. His wife, I mean. Not in the right way. Not in the way a husband is supposed to love a wife. I know that much. But…he loves her all the same.”
“Does he love you?”
My heart sinks. Shoulders sag. “I don’t know that, either.”
“Well, if he tells you, dinnae believe him. That’s the best advice I can give.”
“That’s…” Wow. I’m too winded to carry on.
“Never believe someone who tells you they love you, Laurie. Believe someone who shows you. If this man is who ye think he is, he’ll give ye the best of himself, not what’s left over after giving his best to someone else.”
“How will I know the difference?”
“You’ll know. Your heart will know.”
“And if I’m wrong? If he can’t leave her and…” I can’t even finish that sentence. The words swell in my throat, choking me.
“Then you find time to come home. We sit here, like we’re doing now, and you let it all out.”
I nod slowly, praying that day never arrives, a day when William is my past. “Thanks, Maw.”
In bed later that night, I’m not sure whether I feel better. Reassured. I focus on my chest, place a hand over my heart, and search it for that knowledge my mum feels so certain will come. It’s not there yet. I have no idea how William truly feels. Whether I’m enough. If I’m getting the best of him. All I know is that this love business fucking hurts.
After our time at the farm, or rather, our stolen moments away from the farm, I hadn’t expected to be nervous about seeing William again. Yet here I am. Quietly terrified. What if he got Rebecca home and realised he’d made a terrible mistake with me? What if he’s been having sex with her. Even worse, what if he’s been cradling her while she sleeps and planning their future. The rational part of my brain understands William’s wife has known him longer than I have, yet I can’t bring myself to believe she could possibly love him more. Not when I hurt this badly. Ache this much for him. The image I’ve conjured of them together, his bare arms enfolding her body, feels strong enough to kill me.
