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We continue deeper into our home, noticing small details that put us on edge. The remotes for the TV are scattered across the couch, and the bathroom door is left wide open. We’ve been gone for a day and a half. We couldn’t possibly have inherited squatters already.
We hear a noise that sounds like someone moving around the house and Sophie’s hand instantly tightens in my shirt.
“Our bedroom,” I tell her.
She nods her head in agreement before we make our way down to our room, and we pause at the door, glancing at one another. There’s fear in her eyes, but she looks as though she’s about ready to face down the whole fucking world. Letting out a breath, knowing just what’s on the line, I gently push the door open just wide enough for us to slip through.
We come to a screeching halt, my eyes widening in horror as I take in the sick scene before me.
A very naked Crazy Jill is lying dead center on our rose petal-covered bed, legs wide open as she helps herself to Sophie’s toys out of her bedside table, all but squirting across our bed.
WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK?
Her eyes widen in surprise as she sees me before her, and a beaming smile rips across her face. “Baby, I’ve been waiting for you,” she purrs as her hand continues. “Why don’t you come and joi—”
Her words are cut off as her eyes narrow to angry slits, realizing my wife is right behind me, poking her head around my side to take in the scene. “What the fuck is she doing here?” Jill questions as she presses the little button to stop the buzzing of Sophie’s favorite vibrator.
At that, the real Sophie comes alive, and I let her fly like the fucking queen she is.
Taking the reins, Sophie steps out from behind me. “What the fuck am I doing here?” she questions. “What about you, you crazy fucking stalker? I’m his wife, you know, the woman who actually married this fucker,” she says, hooking her thumb in my direction. “Now, let me spell it out for you. HE’S NOT FUCKING INTERESTED. And besides, from the pathetic display I just saw, you definitely don’t have what it takes to keep this machine satisfied. Now get your shit and get the fuck out of our home, so I can start burning it down.”
“No,” I say, intervening. Jill’s face lights up with a smug expression, which I cut down just as fast as it appeared. “This shit has gone on long enough. Call the cops,” I tell Sophie. “I want this dealt with and a fucking restraining order.”
“But . . .” Jill starts, panic flashing in her eyes.
“No fucking buts,” I tell her as I grab what must be her clothes off the floor and throw them at her. “You and I are not a thing. Never have been and certainly never will be. You’re a crazy fucking bitch, and you need to leave me alone, you hear me? This shit ends now.”
“You’re just saying that because she’s here,” Jill says as she gives Sophie a nasty look.
“No, I’m saying that because it’s fucking true. Now get your dirty ass dressed,” I say, taking Sophie’s hand and slamming the bedroom door behind us.
We sit on the couch as we wait for the cops to show up, and seeing as they’re big hockey fans, they’re here in no time. I let them in and tell them where to find Jill, warning them what state she might be in when they enter. They bring her out in cuffs moments later, and I notice her tear-streaked face.
“I love you, Tank,” she cries as the cops lead her out of my house.
“Ugh,” Sophie groans as she looks at me. “I know you’re happy to have me home and all, but I’m not staying here tonight. This whole place needs to be disinfected.” Her eyes suddenly go wide as she gasps. “What if she fucked herself on our couch?”
We both get to our feet, not taking the risk.
“Yeah, good point,” I say as I pull out my phone and text Miller.
Tank - Dude, long fucking story. We’re crashing at your place tonight.
Miller - No problem.
An officer comes and talks to us and I give him the rundown of just how long this has been going on. Exactly what she does, how often, and what is said. It’s then that Sophie pipes up and admits that Jill has been sending her messages for the past two years, telling her that she isn’t good enough and to back off her man. So naturally, Sophie responded to each and every message.
The cops leave with a promise to set up the papers for a restraining order, and I tell them I’ll be down in the morning to get it sorted out.
