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“I didn’t think so,” he murmurs, his eyes briefly dropping to my lips before he looks away.
“What makes you think I’ve never done that before?”
Silas smiles before facing me. “Besides the fact that you can’t even say the words?”
There’s something different in his gaze now, and it makes him look sexier than he ever has before. Something about the way he looks at me has my heart thumping loudly.
“I… I…”
“Don’t be in such a rush to grow up, Alanna. Take your time. Firsts are important, whether that be your first kiss, or the first time you do anything sexual. You’ll remember every one of those instances for the rest of your life. Make them count.”
I pull my hand out of his, unable to suppress my annoyance. He’s treating me like a child again, and I hate it, but that’s not all. My annoyance is fueled by the irrational anger I feel at the thought of him remembering some other girl that he had his firsts with. Knowing that there’s someone who will always have that place in his memories irritates me.
“What’s wrong?” he asks, his voice soft.
I shake my head and wrap my arms around myself. “So you remember all of those firsts?”
Silas smiles at me and nods. “Yep. I had most of my firsts on the same night, with a girl I’d met at a house party.Linda.” He smiles when he says her name, and my heart squeezes painfully. “Girl had a sinfully wonderful mouth and an even hungrier—” he stops talking abruptly and shakes his head. “Anyway, my firsts were rushed and not with anyone special. If I could go back in time, I’d have saved them for someone I actually wanted to share those memories with, you know?”
I nod, but my mood is entirely ruined. I know he sees me as a child, and I know he isn’t someone I should be interested in, but I can’t help myself. I hate that his firsts are all gone, that they’ll never be mine.
I bite down on my lip and focus on adding cartons of fruit juice to our food packets, trying my hardest to keep my attention off Silas, but I can’t. I keep wondering what he might be like with a woman. What would it be like to date him?
“You’re quiet,” he murmurs eventually, and I look up at him. “Penny for your thoughts?”
I chuckle and shake my head. “My thoughts are worth a whole lot more than that.”
He takes a penny out of his pocket and pushes it toward me. “Penny is all I’ve got, my love.”
My eyes widen as realization dawns. I never should’ve said that… not when I know he’s homeless. It was thoughtless and insensitive, and I should’ve known better. “I was joking,” I whisper, pushing the coin back to him. I force a smile onto my face and lean against the table that separates us. “My thoughts can’t be purchased, Silas. They have to be exchanged. I’ll give you mine if you give me yours.”
He looks into my eyes for a moment, and I worry that he’s seeing straight through me, that he can see the embarrassment I’m trying to hide. He nods, and I exhale shakily.
“Very well. What is it going to cost me?”
I smirk, relief rushing over me. “One question, and you have to answer honestly.”
He pauses, as though he’s going to decline my request, but then he smiles, his dimples making an appearance. “Okay. Tell me what you were thinking just now, Alanna.”
I look into his emerald eyes, taking in that intense look of his. “I was thinking ofyou, and how unfair it is that every one of your firsts was taken by someone who won’t cherish them.” It isn’t the full truth, and the way he smiles tells me he knows it. He stares me down and lifts his brow, indicating for me to continue. I sigh as I drag my gaze away. “I want them for myself, Silas. I want your firsts. I want to be someone you’ll always remember. I don’t know why, okay? I just do.”
He nods and pulls a hand through his thick, dark hair. “You’re young,” he murmurs. “It’s only—”
“Don’t,” I cut him off. “Don’t dismiss my feelings by bringing up my age. You asked me for my thoughts, and I gave them to you. Take them for what they are, without trying to distort them into something you find easier to handle. If you can’t do that, thendon’task me what I’m thinking.”
He looks thrown-aback, and I regret my words instantly. I shouldn’t have lashed out at him. Why is it that I’m always making a fool of myself in front of him?
“You’re right,” he says, surprising me. “I apologize, Alanna.”
I nod and pick up a six-pack of fruit juice to tear off the plastic holding the small cartons together. I’m flustered, and I hate feeling this way. I was excited to be spending the day with him, but I shouldn’t have been. Every time we’re together, he makes it clear he doesn’t actually want to be around me. I suppose it’s about time I accept that.
“Ask your question,” he tells me.
I shake my head, dismissing him. “It’s fine.”
Silas reaches over the table and takes the juice cartons from me, placing his hand in mine. “I’m sorry, Alanna. You’re right. I have been treating you the way I would others your age, but it’s undeserved and unwarranted. I won’t do it again, okay?” I nod, and he squeezes my hand. “So ask me your question.”
I look into his eyes and inhale deeply as I gather the courage to ask the one question I’ve been wanting to ask him ever since I ran into him again. “Why are you here?”
