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I don’t understand how Mom could ever take her own life when she was this loved. I’ve tried so hard to make sense of it, and it wasn’t until I started to volunteer at the shelter that I began to understand just a little. I have no doubt that Dad isn’t telling me the full story, and I’ll probably never know exactly what Mom has been through in life to lead her down the path she chose… but I can finally let go of the resentment.
I can’t help but wonder what my story with Silas will be. When he achieves everything he’s working toward… will he want me then?
ChapterThirteen
Silas
I smile when Alanna pulls up at the shelter. She gets out of the car, and my heart starts to race. Fucking hell. She looks stunning tonight. I thought she looked irresistible on her birthday last year, but she looks even more beautiful tonight… and I’m pretty sure that tight black dress is all for me.
“Happy birthday, Ray,” I murmur. “I didn’t get to say it to you in person yesterday. The phone call doesn’t count.”
She walks up to me, and for a moment I think she’ll hug me, but then she holds her car keys up for me. “Thank you, Si,” she says, her cheeks rosy. Things have been different between us lately. It’s almost like we’re both at our breaking point, neither of us able to keep up this act much longer.
I don’t think I can pretend not to want her tonight. Not when she looks like that. Not when I’m taking her back to the tree my mother and I planted. I wrap my hand around her car keys and open the passenger door for her.
“I wish I could’ve spent yesterday with you,” she tells me as I get into the car, and I shake my head.
“No, beautiful. You’ve been looking forward to having dinner with your dad for so long now. I’m glad you finally got to go.”
She looks at me, her gaze lingering. “I want to take you there someday, Si. Will you let me?”
I tighten my grip on the steering wheel, feeling conflicted. I want to be the person she goes out with, but I can’t afford to take her on a date. I don’t mind her picking up the bill every once in a while, but I can’t in good conscience go when I know I’ll never be able to do the same for her. I don’t ever want her to feel like I’m using her, and this would quickly become a slippery slope.
“Someday,” I promise her. Someday soon, I’ll be able to take her wherever she wants to go. I’m only a year away from graduating, and if all goes well, I’ll find a nice entry-level IT job. It might not pay much, but it should be enough to get a small place of my own. Now, more than ever, I’m desperate to get out of the shelter.
“How was it? Tell me all about it.” Yesterday was the first day in weeks that we didn’t talk to each other for very long. She came home late and fell asleep minutes into our phone call.
“Si, it was just thebest. I don’t think I’ve ever seen Dad so happy before, and the food was just amazing. It’d been so long since we spent some quality time together, and it felt just like old times. It was the first time inforeverthat he didn’t seem stressed.”
I love this about her. She went to one of the most expensive restaurants in town, and what she was most focused on was her father, and whether he had a good time. She’s something special, and she doesn’t even realize it.
Alanna turns to me, a wide grin on her face. “I almost forgot to tell you! I’ve got a bottle of my own this year. Do you want to guess what’s in it?”
My heart fills with tenderness, and it takes all of me not to stop the car and pull her into my arms. I adore her. There’s no other way to describe this feeling.
“Is it a birthday card?”
Alanna pouts, and I know I guessed correctly. “Si,” she complains. “I know you got me a card too, but the point is to guess correctly what kind of card it is.”
“Who says I got you a card?”
“Wait, what? I thought you were going to draw me a card every year?”
I smile at her and shake my head. “The gift can be different every year. My mother always drew me something, yes, but that doesn’t mean I’ll do the same.”
I feel her gaze on me as I park the car, and I can’t help but smirk. Just being around her makes my heart race. I’ve been fighting this for so long, but I don’t think I have it in me to resist any longer.
“It’s a card, isn’t it?” she asks.
I chuckle as I get out of the car and walk around it to open the door for her. “Only one way to find out, babe.”
I grab her hand and pull her along, the two of us walking toward the tree hand in hand. I rarely touch Alanna. We don’t usually even hug each other in greeting, but tonight is different.
“Si, I might actually die from anticipation. What if Idie?”
I bite back my laughter and shake my head. I love that she only shows this dramatic crazy part of herself to me, and no one else. She acts spoiled around me, and poised around everyone else.
“I think you’ll be okay, Ray. But just in case, I’d better dig up that bottle for you, huh?”
