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Sarai rolled her eyes.
“But I went and met you.”
“And I blew you off,” she said.
“And made me even more interested,” I confessed.
She shook her head. “You’re twisting it.”
“No, baby,” I said softly. “I think you’re the one who’s twisted it. You can’t plan for everything. Life doesn’t work that way.”
I sighed and dropped my head against the back of the seat, suddenly completely worn out. Nothing I was saying would make her change her mind.
“Are you sorry you married me?” I asked finally. “Because I can’t live like this. I need to know if you’re staying or going.”
“Of course I’m not sorry I married you,” she replied, her voice wobbling.
“You keep bringing it up,” I replied. “If only I hadn’t ruined your plans.”
“No,” she said, shaking her head. “That’s not what I meant.”
“Then what did you mean?”
“I meant—” She paused. “I meant that—”
She couldn’t find the words, and I couldn’t let her off the hook. I needed to know.
“I’m not sorry I married you,” she said again. “But everything that happened, it’s because I deviated from my plans.” She didn’t sound as sure of it anymore.
“You lost the baby because Sean is a fucking douche,” I replied. “It didn’t have anything to do with your plans.”
“Yes, it did.”
“Jesus,” I murmured. “That’s not how it works, Sarai.”
I put the truck in drive and whipped around, pulling back onto the road so I could get back on the freeway.
“Your plans were still set,” I said, changing lanes. I didn’t even bother looking at her. “You were still planning on graduating in June. That hadn’t changed. Our marriage had changed where you lived, but you were still on track. The baby wasn’t even going to be born until after you were done with school. Nothing fucking changed until we lost her.”
“You don’t understand,” she said again.
I tried to take a deep breath but couldn’t. Her inability to see reason made my chest tight, and I lifted my hand to rub at it.
“Alex?” Sarai said cautiously. “What’s wrong?”
“I—” I snapped my mouth shut and swallowed. Shit, what the hell was happening? I inhaled again, this time inflating my lungs.
“Are you okay?” she asked, leaning toward me.
Her words triggered a memory, and my hands began to shake.
“Are you okay?” Bram asked, pushing past me into the room where my first mom lay on the floor, her round belly pointing toward the ceiling.
I couldn’t stop the sound that came out of my throat.
“Alex, you’re scaring me,” Sarai said. “Pull over.”
I nodded and took the next exit. By the time we were parked, I’d started sweating.
“I need a minute,” I blurted, climbing out of the truck.
I lifted my hands and laced my fingers behind my head as I took deep breaths of cool air. Jesus. Was I having some sort of panic attack? I’d never had a panic attack in my life.
“What’s going on?” Sarai asked, rounding the truck.
I huffed, willing the tears at the back of my eyes to disappear. “Remember when I told you that my mom died from a broken heart?” I asked. When she nodded I continued. “What I didn’t tell you is that she lost a baby.”
“What?” Sarai gasped, wrapping her arms around herself.
“She gave up, Sarai,” I said, my eyes on hers. “She just gave up, and we lost both of them.”
“You won’t lose me,” she said softly.
A choked sob came out of my mouth, and I brushed at my face in embarrassment.
“I’m right here,” she said, taking a step forward.
All the panic, the incessant need to check the windows and doors to make sure they were locked, to inspect Sarai’s car every time she drove it, all of it made sense now. My skin felt tight as I flexed my shoulders and stretched my neck from side to side. I barely remembered the night my sister arrived stillborn, but it must have stuck with me, because I’d been obsessive about keeping Sarai and the baby safe.
And it hadn’t done a damn bit of good.
I looked at my wife, terrified that history was repeating itself.
“It’s cold out here,” she said softly, reaching her hand out to me. “Let’s get back in the truck.”
I nodded silently and took her hand, leading her back to her side.
“Everything’s going to be okay,” she said as I helped her into her seat. She reached out and put her hand on my cheek.
I nodded and pulled away. A few minutes later, as we pulled back onto the freeway, her hand slid across the seat and came to rest on my thigh. I took that as a step in the right direction, but I was too raw to do anything about it.
Chapter 18
Sarai
I didn’t know how to explain to Alex how things had become so jumbled in my mind when I couldn’t even make sense of it myself.
