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“And you loved her,” Ellie said, biting down on her lip.
“I was changed after the accident. I was in such a dark place, I don’t think I was capable of loving anyone.”
Her stomach clenched, because she suspected he still wasn’t. And yet she’d seen him with Joshua, had seen the way his heart had opened up to their son. “So you see, Elizabeth, my marriage to Arabella was very much doomed to fail from the start, and I’d like to avoid making that same mistake again. Let’s eat dinner together and damned well try to get through it with some degree of civility.”
It was a reasonable request. It was sensible too. Marriage wasn’t just about one day – a wedding. It was a lifetime commitment and they had Joshua to think of.
His plan was the right one – for Josh, in any case.
“Fine,” she agreed, moving to the casual table in the kitchen. He carried the paella over, then some cutlery and finally the wine, and all the while, she watched him. His litheness and economy of movement, his strength and agility.
“It’s hard to imagine your body was ever damaged at all,” she said thoughtfully.
“I have the scars to prove it,” he said with a grimace.
“Yes. But you move just as you did then. I don’t ever see any evidence of your injuries.”
“I’ve had a lot of therapy,” he said after a moment. “It was over a year before I could run more than a mile.” He shook his head ruefully. “I don’t recommend a high-speed collision, in case you’re wondering.”
“I’ll keep that in mind.”
He regarded her for several long, sensual beats and heat flicked at the soles of her feet, so that she darted her tongue out and traced the outline of her lower lip. His eyes followed the gesture and her pulse kicked up a notch. She dropped her gaze.
Coward, a voice whispered through her mind.
“You said having Joshua prevented you from following your career aspirations. What were they?”
She startled, surprised she’d said as much, let alone to Xavier. “Oh.” She cleared her throat. “I-I didn’t mean it to sound like I resented him.”
“It sounded like you resented me.”
She hid a smile. “Well, that’s more accurate.”
He laughed softly and she looked at him, and then wished she hadn’t. When he laughed, it was like looking at a solar eclipse. Too bright. Too everything.
“I was going to be a lawyer,” she said, shaking her head, the fantasy seeming so far away now.
“You were to study law?”
She nodded. “I was studying law when we met. I was two years into my degree, that weekend. But I quit out of it when I was six months pregnant.”
“Why?” He asked, a frown on his handsome face.
Her laugh was humourless – just a short, scoffing noise of disbelief. “Because it was hard and took all of my focus and having a child wasn’t something I felt I could add in on top of that. Once I’d had Joshua, I knew I wouldn’t be able to give my degree the same attention.”
“You were so close to finishing, though.”
Her smile was wry. “Not really. I had years to go plus vocational training. No way would I have been able to juggle that with being a mum.”
“But lots of women have children and study…”
“I don’t need you to fuel feelings of my inadequacies,” she said with a quiet resolve.
He expelled a surprised breath. “I didn’t intend to…”
“Well, you were.” She interrupted crisply. “I’ve said the same thing to myself time and time again. I could have studied. I could have worked. Don’t you think I’ve berated myself for being so selfish? The truth is, Josh is probably the only child I’ll ever have and I wanted to enjoy everything about him. I wanted to remember everything, to be there for everything. It was a choice I made, and I’m sure you’re sitting there judging me for it, but it just felt right.”
“He was fortunate you gave him so much of your time,” Xavier said.
