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“It was an excuse to see you again.”
She ground her teeth together, refusing to ask why he needed an excuse, not allowing herself to be mollified by his wanting to see her again, five long weeks after that awful scene on the boat. “Yeah, well, you’ve seen me. Now go away.”
“No, Phoebe, please, wait.”
No way, she thought, turning and walking away from him, but he caught her wrist, pulling on it gently.
“Don’t,” she snarled, so filled with emotions she felt like she was going to explode.
“Listen, I’m doing this wrong. I shouldn’t have started with the cheque.”
She was flabbergasted. “There would be no right time, now or later, when you could—,”
“No, I know.” He dropped his head, planting a hand on his hip.
“In every way,” he said quietly, so she had to lean closer to hear him. “By every measure, I have let you down. By not believing you, by denigrating you, by disrespecting you and by failing to realise how I felt about you until it was far, far too late. The thing is, I am completely in love with you.”
She flinched, the words ones she would have loved to hear, back then, but which felt like insults now.
“No, you’re not.”
She took a step away from him.
“Love isn’t what you think it is.” She bit into her lower lip. “Love isn’t capable of treating someone the way you did me. It’s just not possible.”
He moved closer, putting his hands on her hips.
“I love you.”
“Saying it again doesn’t mean I’m going to believe it.”
“Then believe this: I am completely miserable without you. I think of you every second of every day. I crave you. I long for you. I want to be back at Atrani with you, laughing with you, holding you. You have marked my soul and my heart, and they will be, forever yours.” He squeezed her sides lightly. “I think I fell in love with you the first moment I saw you. I became so angry that he’d met you first. You have no idea how angry. And then, I clung to that anger, rather than letting myself realise what you mean to me. But I have not been without you, ever since then. You’ve been here, in my thoughts, my dreams, and mostly, my heart.”
Tears filmed her eyes.
“You can tell me that you don’t love me, and I’ll believe it. I don’t deserve your love. But don’t you dare say that I don’t love you. I have lived with the regret and disgust, the guilt, of how I spoke to you, how I treated you, every moment since you left.”
She blinked away from him. “Because you found out I was a virgin,” she whispered.
“It forced me to accept what, deep down, I already knew, yes. Nothing about you added up to the woman I’d presumed you were. But I had to cling to it, because the alternative was loving you so hard, I’d be prepared to give up anything and anyone. I was scared.”
She dropped her head forward, his words some kind of balm, but the pain was there too, so sharp and hard.
“You think you’re the only one? You hurt me more than I have ever been hurt by another soul. What kind of idiot would I be to put myself in the position of allowing you to hurt me, ever again?”
“Listen to me, agape mou. You know me. You know my determination. If I swear to you now, on everything I care about, that I will never, not for even one second, cause you pain again, would you think about giving me a second chance?”
Oh, her heart. How desperately it wanted to reach for him, to accept what he was offering, but she’d been too scared.
“I can’t,” she whispered. “It was too much. Once felt like agony. Twice, I don’t think I’d survive.”
He caught her face in her hands, tilting it towards himself. “Only you can decide if the pleasure of the life we could share is worth that risk. For my part, I would take this gamble again and again and again. Without you, I know my life is meaningless. With you, it’s technicolour.”
“This isn’t fair,” she said quietly. “You can’t give me what I need.”
“What do you need?” He asked, urgently.
“Safety.” She hugged her chest. “Certainty. I don’t want to feel as though I’ve been dropped off the edge of the cliff. The way you made me feel that night,” she shivered. “I can’t go through it again.”
